i looked at the bottles tonight and they stared back at me. they all said, "take me home. we would love to keep you company tonight."
i turned away and down the ice cream isle. so Heath Bar Crunch it is. i don't really eat ice cream that often, but it was the closest tunnel to escape into. i emerged at the check stand without any pirates in my basket, another victory won.
see, these bottles have pirated my ship too many times. they took away my sociability. i would dodge people at the store who might see a bottle in my basket on a Monday or Tuesday night. surely they would know my secret if they saw that i was buying wine on a school night. i would nervously await my turn in the checkout line, praying no one that i knew would come up behind me. oh, the foolish games i would play....
now i confidently carry these bottles in my cart and easily stop and talk with those i know at the market-no shame!!!
but beware....the reforming alcoholic is like the person who has just given up a life-long habit of smoking. they want to save everybody from the misery they just left. so as i approach the register, i see there is a guy buying nothing but a jug of brandy. i have now transposed all my former shame onto this guy. i can see it. he is an alcoholic that needs to be saved. i reflect on all the nights that i would look for any excuse to go to the store: we need milk, we just ran out of bread, a light bulb needs to be changed. you name it, i found a reason to get to the store every night. i would never just walk in and buy my bottle alone like this guy. he surely is reaching a bottom i tell myself.
i am forced into the adjacent check out line and now my thoughts can rest. except now a man has walked up behind the brandy man (who by the way, is nicely dressed with a Titlest hat). the man who had taken my place behind the brandy man is growing impatient, carefully eye-ing every purchase being made. he too has just one thing to buy-bread. now i imagine his thoughts as i used to imagine the thoughts of those behind me when i was buying my bottle. all the while i remind myself that i do not know the the reality of either of these men. what i do know is that this horrible mind game used to be a part of my life.
i start to wonder how many times little signs have gone by, unnoticed by my soggy brain. tonight i saw a sign. as those bottles stared at me i remember the guilty feelings that go with them. i am no longer affected by short term memory loss. recording these feelings helps to keep my memory strong: wine bottle=guilt, shame, poverty, alienation, missed opportunities, weight gain, liver damage, bad role modeling for my children............................
oh by the way, i did say a prayer for my brandy man. i pray that he is not afflicted with alcoholism as i am or if he is, that he finds peace.
