Serve and Protect

Love kills

That's right...love kills. It kills my desire to do the job I love. It kills my marriage. It kills my relationship with my kids. Love makes me lose my entire sense of being. That's when lust is dressed up as love.

Love does not really kill. Love builds up and sustains. Love brings me close to the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. Love keeps me focused on the blessings in my life.

I finally got my head out of my @$$ and woke up to the reality: it is not getting what you want, but wanting what you get. I have a wonderful family and was willing to risk it all. For what? For some sort of conquest. Now I know that hormones will cloud my head and make me think my heart is talking. It's not my heart that is speaking, but rather a desire to be desired.

I have to admit, it is probably not going to be black and white. One day infatuated, the next disgusted. However, now I think I can manage to keep my mind on the job, rather than thinking up ways to run into the person enticing me.

This process has been gradual, which probably means that my reaction is rational rather than psychotic. Let's hope anyway.

Through this challenge I have been able to grow in my faith. I asked to have this resolved and my prayers have been answered. I have to say that the friend that I am so enamored with has been nothing but respectful. For this I am grateful. I was able to tell him I had a crush and he did not make me feel bad nor silly. I have a lot of respect for this person. In the end, I have gained self-respect through this walk.

Thanks be to God!

Let the Wild Rumpus Start

I am convinced we are all waiting for our king to start the rumpus in our lives-to give us that feeling of being alive. The wild rush that comes from teenage love is impossible to replicate. Yet we are all searching to capture that wild moment once again. See the character in the far right corner? That is me. Falling back into the total ecstasy of the rumpus. This is what is driving me right now. I feel like the guy in a mid-life crisis that needs to buy the Lamborghini to satisfy those urges once again. Wine used to placate those urges and give me the feeling of that rise every time a popped the cork. Now that it is nearly 18 months since I've touched a cork, I am looking to seize the feeling in other ways. I am falling for the slightest little attention that comes my way. I feel ravenous for love. Yet I know in my mind that this deep desire that I have must come from another source than what I am seeking. I am in touch with God everyday looking for a way to satisfy that hunger. So here is what I hear:

1. Bike rides give you that rush.
2. Awesome lessons where the kids really get it....Yeah!
3. Killer workouts and then walking out into the morning feel like heaven.

So take heart and let the Rumpus begin. Find those moments each day and forget the teenage love trap. We all love that exhilarating surge that comes from the limbic part of our brain. Harness that emotion and send it into all the right directions.

Poison Oak

Have you ever had poison oak? You know that burning itch that won't go away. All you want to do is scratch it until the poison juices are out of your skin. I once had to get a hydrocortisone shot and another time I had to take prednisone because the inflammation had gotten so bad. The prednisone was the worst because the withdrawl made me nuts.

This is exactly what is happening to me emotionally right now. My friend has gotten so under my skin that all I can do is think of itching it. I am telling myself this is not my fault. Yet I know that I am not the first to be smitten with another while committed to a marriage. So what is the antidote? I have no idea. I wait everyday to see him just for a moment, to share a quick conversation. I feel like a nube from The Office. I just keep praying that God will present the solution. However, even my dreams are affected. I dreamt that we were playing footsies under the table with our soles touching. Okay, this is cheesy, but I woke up thinking "soul mates." See, I am just like those dorks on The Office. So now I am so distracted I cannot even concentrate on my work. My work is my lifeline. It is what makes me feel alive. Yet, this person has been able to interrupt that lifeline and make me want to put all aside just to have a stupid cup of coffee.

Lord help me because I am powerless over this. Help me to see the truth in my heart and follow in your ways. Guide me to the path that is the best for all concerned. Horrible feelings from my teenage life are flooding in like a tidal wave.
I so wanted to be loved and once I thought I had found that love, it was ripped out from underneath me. I know that people around the world suffer fantastic trials. That my piddly little story is nothing. Help me to put this into perspective and concentrate on the true love that supercedes all these itchings. At least offer up some salve to calm the burn.

Love the one you're with....

So I am learning to continue to love the one I am with. He has been by my side through thick and thin. And I mean that literally. As I have gained weight, he has continued to make me feel like the apple of his eye. As I have lost weight, he has complemented me and humored me as I pounce on him like a dog in heat. So as I pray for the resistance to the fruit of another, I am strengthened in my faith. I can not do this alone. I have to ask for help. Yes, I am still like a school girl, giddy with desire. But now I have the ability to fully metastasize the hurt that would come from irresponsible behavior. It comes back to an ability to self-control and discipline. This was my challenge with alcohol and continues to erupt in other areas in my life. It would be helpful if someone shared their experience as a learning tool. No one ever writes a book on how they deal with these feelings in a healthy manner. Martin Luther King, Jr. couldn't even make the right choices and he was a minister. Is the feeling of acceleration that comes from a new found crush so powerful that it robs rationality from the most chaste? God gave us a powerful draw to the opposite sex to ensure the survival of the species. With this gift came a curse. How do we temper those urges and channel them into healthy endeavors?