Friends

Friends are so part of our psyche and when friendships have to be put to the side to recover, it's painful!!!! I am now in a kind of no man's land with friends that remain a part of my life, but are at arm's length since I am now a non-drinker. One of these friends is my next door neighbor. Our kids have grown up together and their pictures are all over the refrigerator. We even have the gate in the middle of the fence so we can pass between backyards with ease. This gate was put in for the kids, but served our late night booze fests well. Now I am sober, we no longer spend long Friday nights discussing politics, books, and child rearing. I didn't realize how important this was to my life until last night. We have visited on rare occasion since my sobriety, but it is so awkward now. More awkward for them than me. In fact, it was a birthday of my neighbor's boyfriend that was the final drink I took. What is difficult for them is they have their own inner battles brought on by alcohol. The boyfriend covertly drinks because his father was an alcoholic and his mother has told him that he is doomed to this disease. Whether he is or not an alcoholic is beside the point. He feels a sense betrayal since he has promised his mom he will not drink. As for my friend she has a sweet demeanor and in no way considers her alcohol use problematic. Yet when Bloody Mary Sundays after a long weekend of drinking come around, I know I made the right choice. I never could be a part of these because I always felt I would be cheating my kids. She has always known my view of this and now that I have quit drinking, she probably thinks I hold them in disdain. Oh contrare. I am envious that she is able to continue on with the late Friday nights, the frivolous Saturdays, and the carefree Sundays. But each person must take up their own battle.

So here I go....another Friday night crash. I came home with the biggest headache due to the drama from work. Being surrounded by menopausal women is the sure fire way to become an alcoholic. It is like working on the island of Survivor. Each woman is trying to prove that her teaching can be held up under the scrutiny of our parents (parents who are paying good money for education in a downturn economy.) When our students start to show signs of distress, fellow teachers are quick to point their finger downhill. Of course first grade is where it all stops since Kindergarten does not fit into the required schooling component. My partner, another friend, thinks I was trying to back stab her when in fact it was the second grade teacher. So we spent our Friday night tweezing out the intricacies of the week. Arghhhhh! This is exactly the type of thing I was trying to forget when I would down a bottle of wine Friday night. It would wipe the slate clean and allow me to enter the next week with no memory of the last. However, having the responsibility of staying sober allowed for some growth that has never happened before. I looked at the friendship with my partner teacher who is sometimes a sister and sometimes a mom, and realized she is full of the same insecurities that I am. She is in search of the same peace that we all crave. I need to be able to prop her emotionally as I do my daughter. While I think my partner's age should give her the advantage, it doesn't. Sometimes we have accept help from those younger. And so it was for me last night, as my daughter tucked me into bed at 8:30 on a Friday night. She assured me tomorrow would be a new day. And it is.

Now I realize I am in search of new friends in my life of sobriety. It does not mean that the old friendships will die. It does mean however, that they are on temporary hold until I can get strong enough. Those of you in the blogosphere are helping me greatly in this endeavor. I feel like a recently divorcee looking to meet up with a new beau. I need venues that will help me find these friendships. I guess I will have to start checking out some AA meetings after all. I just have never been able to find one that fit. I will have to continue the search.

Just as a sidebar, I dreamt last night that my husband wanted a divorce. I must be feeling a sort of departure in my life. With a departure comes an arrival. So I wait anxiously for the new. My husband did assure me that we are stuck with each other. Thank God for this.

Thanks for friends past and present; they are a part of who I am today.

Thanks for friends that fill in the gaps of sister and mother.

Thanks for friends that I do not know face to face.

Thanks for friends that I have yet to meet.

Thanks for friends that temper my weaknesses and emphasize my strengths.

Thanks for friends at my workplace (my other home).

Thanks for friends of convenience; may I make life easy for them as well.

Thanks for friends that are willing to listen....

Thanks for my husband; he is my best friend.

Picture http://deadlycase.deviantart.com/art/Friends-75581135

Keep Truckin'

Keep on keepin' on. I am seeing an evolutionary process in my growth. While I am in the infancy, it is relatively easy to maintain my sobriety. However, as time wanes on, how will I experience the rise and growth that I have right now? What will keep this fresh so my brain will crave sober experiences over the inebriated ones? I know this is a struggle for most alcoholics and will be a problem for me too. I also know that service to others is supposed to be a key in this. So what will be my service? I am already maxed out most days. That was the very reason I drank. It was a quick release. I could maintain my busy schedule and the wine gave me something to look forward to. It would soothe immediately, with no effort. So what will be the flip side of this new life?

Picture: http://www.kolumbus.fi/j.sahlberg/images/keep_on_truckin.jpg

Maverick

A big thank you to Kathy @ gospodipomiluj
for helping me to see that expressing myself in a journal is healthy and probably necessary to maintain my sobriety. What I know is I look at life differently since starting to blog. Events throughout the day take on a sort of comic flare. I can laugh at situations and give them a bird's eye view since I look at them with reporter's eyes.

So reporting today's event:

I was called a Maverick. I didn't know whether to feel insulted or flattered. My co-workers think the spelling program I have devised with my partner teacher makes us mavericks. In a Catholic school, this could be a dirty word. However, I think I will take it as a word of encouragement.

mav-e-rick, noun
1. an unorthodox, or independent minded person; a free thinking person. A person who refuses to conform to a particular party or group.

2. an unbranded calf or yearling.

One definition that is not in the dictionary is the term used for mammoth waves occurring in Northern California.

Another definition not listed in the dictionary is a 72 year old Republican presidential candidate.

So imagine the myriad of perceptions that swirled through my mind when I was called a maverick.

Yet let us not forget that Jesus was a maverick. Our Founding Fathers were considered mavericks. So I guess I can choose to accept the term as a complement, rather than an insult. Ah, the fun in looking at life with a bird's eye view. Without the blogging or journaling I don't think I would have come to this realization. Just one more blessing that has come out of my alcoholism.

Picture: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.hulala.co.nz/images/mavericks.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.hulala.co.nz/&usg=__KuREe9bA6XktLbD58xExIxIJCe4=&h=475&w=405&sz=13&hl=en&start=30&um=1&tbnid=wAFkZIwiDgcnQM:&tbnh=129&tbnw=110&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dmavericks%26start%3D20%26ndsp%3D20%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DN

The Saga Continues

The saga continues....My boy tickled me today. I asked about the girls at school and he said one of them apologized for "getting him into trouble." He told her they had all made mistakes. What a blessing in disguise. He was able to see both approaches in a time of difficulty. The girl who had brought the alcohol ignored him (thank God). He could see the pain this girl is carrying around. I hope he remembers. Another blessing is he has found after school activities other than X-box. He is in between sports and has taken to the habit of gaming on week nights. This latest event made eliminating his gaming a natural. It's a good thing baseball is about to start. Once his 30 day hiatus is up, he should be so busy with practices and games, he can return to a once, maybe twice a week game time.

I know of grown men that meet friends for gaming night. This is probably a good idea since some can get so wrapped up in it that it can take the place of real relationships. So now my boy can get some practice at limiting himself.

Oooo, this is starting to sting. Am I doing the same with my online journal? Am I missing out on friend time so I can be here? Have I found a new addiction? Addictive personalities are just that, addictive. So I struggle with my desire to be here (because this is fun and cathartic) when I know that I also have the need to be reaching out to the community around me. I am taking this one day at a time. After all, I do volunteer at my church. I do put in long hours at work. I spend time with my children. Don't I deserve some "me time." Wow does this sound like the alcoholic in me talking.

Any thoughts?

SAGA picture: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://saga.wikidot.com/local--files/start/saga.png&imgrefurl=http://saga.wikidot.com/&usg=__vZ-UKU3GZwr-gyJezVBcJbGFGSw=&h=512&w=800&sz=204&hl=en&start=1&um=1&tbnid=4FbpxYVb9i175M:&tbnh=92&tbnw=143&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsaga%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DN

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

Ox: 1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009 Ox people are easy going and have a great deal of self-assurance that helps help them to be successful. Ox people have thoughtful responses. Ox people love deeply and share their strength with those they love.


Rather than being an arm chair quarterback (teacher), I ran to the Chinese market to get some items for my class for the New Year. What a great experience! Lion Market had some of the best produce I have seen in the valley. Bags of bok choy that were so crispy. Green beans that didn't have the usual black spots on them. And of course so many other items that I didn't recognize. The meat/fish counter was like no other. Fresh crab in tanks, octopus, fresh smelts, you name it, and some things I couldn't name. The sauce aisle left me dazed and confused. I came out with two sauces for the night's dinner. Steamed buns, fresh chow mein noodles. My head was swimming. How would I know what to choose. Add to this, I felt as though I had stepped out of the country momentarily. I stood out like a sore thumb with my mouth gaping open. Now this was a remedy for the malady that had been plaguing me all day.

That was short lived. I fell back into the funk as soon as I returned home. It is time for some sunshine!!!!! I don't know how the Alaskans do it. This dark dreary weather is getting to me. Bring on the dragons and the valentines!



Pictures:
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.hotelsbycity.net/blog/usa/nevada/las-vegas/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/chinese-new-year.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.hotelsbycity.net/blog/usa_nevada_las-vegas/category/attractions/&usg=__6Lpz7Gngcw_sRj2ZtXtx_w6ZAsg=&h=2848&w=4256&sz=484&hl=en&start=3&um=1&tbnid=9rEKkQAtuvlH9M:&tbnh=100&tbnw=150&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dchinese%2Bnew%2Byear%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DN



http://china.mrdonn.org/zodiac.html

New Resolve

I came home from church today to find my son still asleep and my husband on a bike ride. I still had lesson plans to write, but I took a deep breath and started in at motivating the boy under house arrest to get some air. We headed for the gym after much prodding. I had to prod myself as much as him. Once we got there it was a breeze. It really is just getting there and the first two minutes that make working out a tough habit to start. It is almost as bad as starting the habit of flossing.

What I do know about the brain is that low dopamine levels causes depression and can lead to alcohol/drug abuse. The mind is so clever and searches out ways to calibrate deficiencies. While alcohol works in the short term, it actually causes the brain to crave more dopamine. Because our bodies are incredibly adaptive, if you give the system more than it can handle it learns to adapt. Therefore, your brain creates more receptors screaming MORE, MORE, MORE. This is an inevitable and vicious cycle, once it gets started. So this is the information I share with my boy. I also let him know that when I get the case of the blues I have two fixes: the gym and the coffee shop. Of course the effects of the gym last longer and don't lead to a crash (like caffiene), but not always can we get to the gym. My new resolve is to get to the gym more often and drag that boy with me. Perhaps I can get him hooked.

By the way, I am supposed to be working right now. Maybe I will have to go to Bloggers Anonymous....

The Light Ahead

Today I make my way without much of a rudder in the water. I just let my desires take me the whole day. Running to stores to pick up birthday gifts, having long phone conversations, and blogging once again. I have plenty of work to do, but I am secure in letting it go. As I sit beside my son here on the couch, I think what a blessing his recent mistake is. We are learning so much about each other as a family. We are very close and spend every weekend together. I kid my children about running a youth hostel. We are usually hosting anywhere from 1-4 additional teens in our home each weekend. Our mornings are full of energy and laughter as we flip pancakes and fry sausage for the hungry tummies. The living room is full of foam mats and sleeping bags. We have been blessed to have these moments.

As we enter a new phase in parenthood such as last night and driving (arghhh), I am sure I will have to let go more and more. I will have to trust that the morals we have been trying to instill in the last 15 years will take over. While my son assures me that he did not take a drink last night, I know he is capable of more. He could have told those girls that he was not going to be part of them hurting their bodies, but he didn't. I could have done a lot of things differently in my life, but I didn't.

I know there still may be further repercussions for this mishap. The parents of the girls still have yet to have their say. So as we head through the days ahead, I look for the light amongst the clouds. What I know is that one of the motivating factors for stopping my love affair with alcohol, is that kids don't watch what you say. They watch what you do. Imagine walking into that security office with a buzz on. Ick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep remembering.

Picture: http://nightpisces.deviantart.com/art/Pandora-Point-66347111

Turning Point

Do you remember these days? Running free and invincible...It is a scary time however, being a teenager. I tell my kids that this time is like jumping from one island to the next. The trick is not to fall in the water. The key is to remember that when you do fall in the water that you call on God for a lifeline. Tonight I got to test this theory. My thirteen year old was caught atop the roof of the mall with his two (girl) friends and two Coronas. My husband had dropped him off (now a bad idea) at the mall with the girls to watch an early movie. We got the call at 6:00 by security to come down to pick up our son.

When I entered that office I wanted to shake all three and tell them they will end up lugging around skeletons in their closets with these kind of choices. I didn't shake them, but I did bust out with lecture #159. I have all these lectures composed in my head, being a frustrated writer. Then I felt like a fool as I said "Peace be with you." Everyone in that room knew that I did not mean it. I meant, "How dare you corrupt my son like that." What is occurring to me now is that those little girls are so thirsty for love and attention, that they make these choices. They are reaching out for the same thing that we are. They want to be heard. They want to be loved. I wish I could take back my lecture and tell those girls that they are loved. Well I can't. But I can tell my son that he can make mistakes. That is how we get to be who we are. I can tell him that we are a life line to grab onto when he falls in between the two islands. But most of all, I can tell him I love him. Boy am I glad I am sober tonight.....

Pay Down the National Debt

I say we sell Oprah the rights to have her face on the $50 bill for the year '09 to pay down the national debt. Who could we sell the rights to the $20 bill? Hmmmm, Bill Gates?

Gushing Lemons

Thank you Kathy @Gospodi Pomiluj

The concept of the Lemonade Award is quite simple. It is all about finding people that display a great attitude and/or gratitude. In this day and time, that is very important to have. Once nominated, all you need to do is add the Lemonade Award logo to your blog and find 10 more bloggers to nominate. All of the rules are listed below.

Congratulations to all the winners. Please share this opportunity with your favorite bloggers by doing the following:
1) Put the logo on your blog or post. check
2) Nominate at least 10 blogs, which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
3) Be sure to link to your nominees within your post
4) Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
5) Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

My top ten bloggers with great attitude/gratitude:
Fishstyx
All who Wander are not Lost@mysticallyenhanced
Kathy@gospodipomiluj
diamondsintheskywithlucy
Molls@itsabraindisease
stopdroprecover
300daysinthesun

1 door away from heaven
Tyra
Snippets

Serendipity
The occurrence and development of events
by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

That is the way I take this award.
I came home tonight and it was a chardonnay night!
I had just worked 14 hours and now I was ready for my reward.
So I looked in the fridge and found the next best thing: Lemonade.
Go figure.
So I poured myself a nice big glass-who was I kidding I finished the jug!
After eating dinner at 9:00 and hankering for something else to fill the gaps,
I turned on my computer to find a lemonade stand. How sweet!
Given we have a lemon tree out front, lemonade is one of our regular thirst quenchers.
In the spring, I clear out all the lemons and make lemonade with my first graders.
We do this as a service project. All the money is donated to a charity.
Yellow is my favorite color and the smell of lemon blossoms give me a glimpse of heaven.
Lemons, a gift from God, truly soothe. Their gigantic pores make my skin look smooth as silk.
Their sour pucker make my bad attitude seem sweet. They make fish palatable. (jk Fishstyx)
So yes lemons can really be the start of something good. Thanks for the vote of confidence.
As I rattle my brains out. It is the only addiction that has yet to cause me bodily harm.
Although my husband is starting to have computer envy.
So as I pass this onward,
May life give you lemons
So you can make
Lemonade.

OBAMA!

Be the change
Start here at home
Don't yell at the kids
Tell them they can
Help them be
Better
Than
me
Guide them in their pursuits
Let them find their talents
Channel ideas and dreams
Til they reach the top
Be patient with failings
Grit your teeth when
They take the fall
And prop them up
So they try, try, try again
Learn from their example
Set into motion the start
Of a new day, a new way
Take a deep breath when
You do yell at the kids
Know that you too will
Need a lift or two
Grant yourself
Peace Love
Forgiveness
Let the day
Let the year
Let hope
Live on
Barack Obama

Can you see your dream?

Today I headed for the "City" to remember the man that said he had a dream.
When I got there, I once again was moved to tears.
There used to be a march on this day to commemorate King's Dream and keep it alive and growing. This year everyone is in D.C. to see this dream explode.
A wall of water rushes in front of your words that are just starting to take shape today.
Can you see Dr. King, your dream starting to grow wings?
Can you see the flood you started?
Can you see you are more than just a memory? Can you see your dream?

12 steps

Would you consider running up and down these steps much like runners go up and down bleachers during training?

These steps stop at the top, but is it really the top? Are we not required to make our way up and down these steps over and over in order to continue our conditioning?

I try to imagine the kind of conditioning that it must take for the next president to assume the helm of this great Titanic of a nation. As we take on water and sit in frigid waters, we are asked to maintain hope. Where do we get that hope from? The same place that the pilot of the plane that landed in the Hudson did. That pilot must have known the freezing cold waters he would be landing his charges into. Yet he did not give up hope. He took it one step at a time. He had faith that once he landed, there would be rescue boats for the people to climb onto. He had faith that the plane would not fully submerge before 155 people were brought to safety. He had been conditioned to take his set of skills and apply them. However, without faith his skills would have meant nothing.

So as we take on the next 348 days of this year we must condition ourselves to keep our eyes on the moment. We must find our way one step at a time. I must make my way up and down these steps over and over again, knowing that moments of grace surround me everyday, if I will just open my eyes.

Beacon in the Night

Normally I don't post twice in a day, but today the paradox of life struck me so, that I feel compelled to do so.

After waking up to another glorious day, I remember that grace is all around me. I have a camera in my purse just for that reason. The full moon was extraordinary and really captured my attention this month. However, I had a tough time catching the moon. It can be so illusive.... This was my best shot. Evidently it is 50,000 miles closer to the Earth right now, making it appear to be a Harvest Moon. In fact, it is called the Wolf Moon. And while I could not do it justice, what remains are the moments that I actually lived while trying to catch the moon. One was Friday night as I was leaving work. I came out and the moon called to me. I stared in awe. Immediately I reached for my camera. These pictures turned out the best. The next night my husband and I went for a walk in the neighborhood hills of a quaint town. The moon made its face at us and once again we felt like lovers.

Just one week earlier and Friday night seemed magical and this Friday night seemed maddening. Hence the need for a journal. What a great reminder that everything passes. Glory will appear and will wane just like the moon. I am assured that while the moon is disappearing, it will reappear once again. For me reading blogs that are affirm life feels like the full moon rising. For this I am grateful.

Crash Landing

Funny how Friday nights always lead to crash landings. I think it has to do with my expectations as an alcoholic-work like a slave all week and party like a fool on the weekend. So last night I came home and expected some sort of uncorking after a stressful week. Instead I ended up wallowing in self-pity. Why do I have to have this affliction? What is the point of all this? Selfish and myopic. I went to bed crying my eyes out and one more night beat the bottle. But did I really beat it? It was taking over my thoughts. So when I read other posts, I realize that this battle is not an easy one and cannot be done on my own. I also come to the understanding that even though my battle seems so menial compared to other grandiose accomplishments, it is my battle and I must fight on. It is with God's help that I am able to guard against not only taking another drink, but that I am also able to be thankful for all the blessings in my life. When I start feeling sorry for myself it is the time to take stock of all that I have and so here goes:

1. God
2. A loving husband
3. 2 wonderful kids
4. Family (Mom, Dad, Jay, and Tony)
5. A job that I love
6. Friends that understand that I don't drink
7. A roof over my head
8. Wheels (my bike)
9. Sunshine
10. This Computer

I have to admit that I am being forced to deal with emotions that I have buried for 25 years. That will happen once you stop drinking. Now the key is to ask for help. I feel like I should have it all figured out by now, but I don't.

A Pandora's box was opened when I visited a site by a woman that had committed suicide. I found her via another site that I frequent. At first I was astonished because her posts seemed so moving and in touch with life. Then I was mad at her for leaving kids without a mother. Now I am starting to empathize with her. I too had tried to leave this earth before my time when I was 16. Never did I really resolve these feelings. Last night they came back like a flood. However this time I have so much support. This time I know that life's gifts are such a blessing that I must continually take stock and never allow the self-pity to pilot me. For if I do, I will land like this poor duck and miss out on the wonderful life that has been so graciously given to me. Thanks be to God!

Taste of my own Medicine

Today I got a taste of my own medicine.... I had to sit around listening to someone drone on about their area of expertise. Unfortunately, it happens to be an area on which I have spent a great deal of time and energy. Therefore, I was bored out of my mind! This left me feeling so empty tonight that I thought for sure that nothing would placate me. I came home, only to leave again for Starbucks. I came home from Starbucks and my hubby had a wonderful dinner ready and we ate. I still felt void. What's the point!

Then I realized as I always do after this type of day that it was a taste of my own medicine. How often do I drone on in front of my students, only to send them into the same mind numbing state? If nothing else, today's lesson is a firm reminder to stay fully engaged in the perspective of my young charges.

Now here comes the alcoholic's twist: before I would have come home only to numb my mind some more. Instead I am faced with my feelings and must creatively solve how I am reacting to them. I turn to this journal. Thank you for being here! Now I'm off for some laughs with John Stewart and Steven Colbert. If only I could teach like these guys spew out the day's news, with a twist. ;-)

Oobleck

Short Term Memory Loss

i looked at the bottles tonight and they stared back at me. they all said, "take me home. we would love to keep you company tonight."
i turned away and down the ice cream isle. so Heath Bar Crunch it is. i don't really eat ice cream that often, but it was the closest tunnel to escape into. i emerged at the check stand without any pirates in my basket, another victory won.
see, these bottles have pirated my ship too many times. they took away my sociability. i would dodge people at the store who might see a bottle in my basket on a Monday or Tuesday night. surely they would know my secret if they saw that i was buying wine on a school night. i would nervously await my turn in the checkout line, praying no one that i knew would come up behind me. oh, the foolish games i would play....

now i confidently carry these bottles in my cart and easily stop and talk with those i know at the market-no shame!!!

but beware....the reforming alcoholic is like the person who has just given up a life-long habit of smoking. they want to save everybody from the misery they just left. so as i approach the register, i see there is a guy buying nothing but a jug of brandy. i have now transposed all my former shame onto this guy. i can see it. he is an alcoholic that needs to be saved. i reflect on all the nights that i would look for any excuse to go to the store: we need milk, we just ran out of bread, a light bulb needs to be changed. you name it, i found a reason to get to the store every night. i would never just walk in and buy my bottle alone like this guy. he surely is reaching a bottom i tell myself.

i am forced into the adjacent check out line and now my thoughts can rest. except now a man has walked up behind the brandy man (who by the way, is nicely dressed with a Titlest hat). the man who had taken my place behind the brandy man is growing impatient, carefully eye-ing every purchase being made. he too has just one thing to buy-bread. now i imagine his thoughts as i used to imagine the thoughts of those behind me when i was buying my bottle. all the while i remind myself that i do not know the the reality of either of these men. what i do know is that this horrible mind game used to be a part of my life.

i start to wonder how many times little signs have gone by, unnoticed by my soggy brain. tonight i saw a sign. as those bottles stared at me i remember the guilty feelings that go with them. i am no longer affected by short term memory loss. recording these feelings helps to keep my memory strong: wine bottle=guilt, shame, poverty, alienation, missed opportunities, weight gain, liver damage, bad role modeling for my children............................

oh by the way, i did say a prayer for my brandy man. i pray that he is not afflicted with alcoholism as i am or if he is, that he finds peace.

Bridge to NowHere

this bridge is today's mystery. my husband and i went mudriding today. as you can see this bridge leads nowhere. in fact there is no longer a need for it. this is at the basin of our local reservoir, which has been drained. underneath are the remnants of two abandoned towns. this bridge used to serve its residents as a crossover of a creek. leftover foundations are in the vicinity. as our tires muck up i am left contemplating the bridge that is similar to the the transition that is taking place in our teenage boy. as my husband tries to bridge my son's boyhood into manhood, things are getting pretty muddy. my husband insisted our X-box addicted teenager come along for the ride. this not only repulsed our son, it made him defiant. once an amicable spirit, he has now found his voice. the two males of the house started to lock horns outside on our front lawn. blessed was i since i get to play the soft mom in this situation. not only that, but i had firm ground to stand on since i was not hungover. conquering this illness is giving me plenty of mileage. finally, i was able to convince my husband that no one would benefit on this "bridge to nowhere." if exercising is what my husband wanted for our young man, then he could go to the gym to play basketball. if time together is also what he wanted, then this was not going to be the experience that anyone would remember with joy. so the freshly showered boy agreed to go to the gym. and the man of the house agreed to disagree. off we headed for the bride to nowHERE. i feel like i am finally here. present in the moment. able to compromise with my loved ones, free of looming guilt. ain't freedom great! by the way, this is the present my husband got me about seven years ago when he pleaded with me to find a new addiction. i think i'm finally hooked.

OCD

i have been waiting for a title for this photo and my cousin just gave it to me: OCD. as you can see i have turned one addiction in for a multitude of others. it is taking a variety to match up to the luscious varietals that used to intoxicate me. first i started with a gum fetish. i was gathering every flavor under the sun until i started to get TMJ. next, i moved onto pomegranate juice and Starbucks. i now get my espresso con panna (whipped cream), what a treat! slowly, but surely i am inching upward in my ability to handle the cups of joe. i now have to limit myself so that i don't end up with RA (rheumatoid arthritus). as for the pom, it is the closest thing to my original sin: wine. it has the dry finish and intense flavor i so loved in every deep cabernet that i have enjoyed throughout the years. let heaven be filled with every variety of wine, with none of the horrible side effects....:-) WT (wishful thinking) that's assuming i will make it to heaven. i am trying to replicate heaven on earth, just in case i don't. that requires reaching out to others in need. this entails reserving judgement for God. in my blogging trails i have encountered others that are searching for the peace that we humans need. i have also encountered others without peace, who try to inflict their pain. i know that they too are in search of peace. i pray for those individuals still in need of piece of that peace. however, their search will only resemble OCD if not based in love. Jesus did not judge the prostitute, nor the tax collectors. rather, he reached out in love. this is how the Gospel is spread.

please reserve your comments, if they are not based in love. peace be with you.

Stairway to Heaven

when considering the mundane, we often find the miracle of God. today we took a walk along the river that runs through our city. my husband pointed out this fish ladder, that would have totally escaped my notice. a conversation ensued about how the damn will not allow the fish to swim upstream so they may spawn. therefore, city planners have rectified this wrong by building this stairway, known as a fish ladder. quite remarkable that an animal would go to such lengths to further its own species. are we not cowards when we are asked to do the same? i find at times i am weaker than the trout that takes this stairway to propagate, only to end its own life. the good news is that i find strength in knowing God. this knowledge is not stagnate or absolute. it is a growing truth that keeps my fires going. i plan to keep climbing all my live long days. thanks be to God!

This is the year that the Lord has made

we will rejoice and be glad in it! i am blessed that hymns like this ring in my head while i do mundane chores. since i teach little ones, my work day is filled with silly songs that replay in my mind on my "off" time. i have been known to sing a song about the seven continents while doing dishes. truly this is a blessing. i think back to the gospels that the slaves sang to get them through the horrendous torture of their lives. Sojourner Truth, called the Moses of her people, took to walking barefoot across the country to escape her oppressors. imagine if we could have that courage to overpower the oppression of addiction. now that i am freed from the power of the wine bottle, i am overwhelmed with the possibilities of today. instead of pushing myself out of bed too early to prove that i could be a responsible drunk, today i slept in. what a feeling! no guilt for sleeping in.... now that we have had our late breakfast i hardly know where to begin. my mind is racing with possibilities. instead of fighting off a hangover and the accompanying guilt, i am trying to gather up every moment of time. it feels so refreshing. everyday feels like Christmas now. as i open up each package (each day) i anticipate something grand to happen. these grand happenings often come in the most mundane moments. yet somehow they are no longer seem mundane. my new eyes have given me the joy that God must feel when watching us discover the wonder of the world. many have to get a terminal illness to gain this eyesight. i have been blessed that my illness came in the form of alcoholism. not only is there hope for a long life, but i have entered a group of like patients that are finally seeking the wonder of our lives. Amazing Grace is not only a beautiful song about finally seeing through the eyes of God, but a fantastic movie. Amazing Grace, the movie, is true story about a slavetrader that finally comes to see the light about his profession. He spends the rest of his life trying to serve God. this is my New Year's resolution: to spend the rest of my days serving God.
God bless you in the new year!