Advent: Waiting for the Event

The event that is about to take place once again takes a lot of preparation. We are scurrying around gathering food and gifts for those we love and those we are trying to love. It is a call to action. Bring the light back to the darkening Earth. No easy feat....

Imagine the journey to Bethlehem. Long and isolated, the two lovers carried the best gift our world would receive. They simply just put one foot in front of the other. Surely, they looked up from their feet to see the bright light that led their way.

Is that not what we are supposed to do? Put one foot in front of the last and keep an eye out for the wonder along the way. I see it in the stores when a mom drops down to her knees to see the world from her son's perspective. It is apparent when the boxes full of toiletries and trinkets are shipped out to people half way around the world. My heart explodes everyday as I watch for the light in the darkness. I imagine it to be much like catching lightening bugs in a jar.

So as the serotonin levels drop as the sun hides its face, I remind myself depression is a natural part of the human experience. Depression gives us the opportunity to stop and reflect and take stock of all that is around us. The key is not to keep your head down on the ground, but lift up and see the light that is about to shine.

Thanks be to God!

The Answer is Blowin in the Wind

I just read this amazing poem written by another blogger that has so inspired and moved me. He has captured a feeling that expresses exactly where I am at right now.

To put it in my own words would be a hatchet job so I will just have to say that crux of it for me is this: whilst we feel in control, we must always remember the mighty spirit, which is invisible to the eye, but ever so present, moves through our hearts and minds much the same way that the wind moves through this field.

My prayers are being answered each day. As I ask for the help in escaping a new prison, the keys are given freely. It seems I escape one prison, only to find myself locked in yet another. I guess this is what keeps me close to God. I know I can never do it alone. I must always reach out for the power of our Creator.

As I work through what seems like trivial troubles compared to those of others, I understand that I am not in control. The answer is blowing in the wind. My heart will continue to seek the Spirit, refusing to harden, reforming with each new release from self-imposed prisons, by the grace of God.

Green Eyes

Okay, I think I've got this figured out. It's the green eyes. The green eyes absolutely transfix me. This is the common thread with the crushes that I have had throughout my years as a married woman. I just fall into them as though they are a deep ocean. Now all I have to do is find a life preserver so I don't drown in that "see" of green.

I have been praying about this to my mother-in-law. She passed away three Christmases ago and surely must be looking down at me with disgust. How I could abandon her son who is so loyal, such a good father, a loving husband, and devoted friend. It must make her roll over in her grave. Therefore, she is going to be my life preserver. Maureen will watch over me like a guardian angel and get me to pull my head out of the clouds (euphemism for out of my @$$) and see all the blessings in my life.

I must be thinking of her more often than not these days. For every time the power of those green eyes starts to overcome me, I will think of her. Hopefully, I can get past the lusting and back to the real loving. Loving a man that has seen me through thick and thin, drunk and sober, sanity and insanity. Yes, I must be insane not to value such a relationship and do everything in my power to save it. With the help of God all things are possible.

Love and Luck

With a little luck, we can work this whole damn thing out....remember that Wings song? I heard it about a month ago while shopping at Big Lots. First you have to know Big Lots is an experience unto itself. It's basically a salvage store that hires ex-convicts. I have found some of the best deals in this Target meets the Salvation Army and yes they usually have a hip sound track playing. However, they were playing this blast from my past and I had to just stop and sing along. I was thrown back to my teenage years and all that love and angst that was oozing out of my pores came flooding back. I am reliving my teenage years right now. Given I didn't seem to leave those years fully mature, it is no surprise.

I have yet to make it past all those school girl yearnings that make you feel alive and crazy all at the same time. This explains my school girl crush. My skin feels like it is crawling and my heart is beating out of my chest. Sound familiar. It's exhilarating and frustrating all at once.

Add to this a lusty fragrance and I am nearly at my wit's end. So I give this some time. Let it wear off. With a little luck, I can work this whole damn thing out.

Serve and Protect

Love kills

That's right...love kills. It kills my desire to do the job I love. It kills my marriage. It kills my relationship with my kids. Love makes me lose my entire sense of being. That's when lust is dressed up as love.

Love does not really kill. Love builds up and sustains. Love brings me close to the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. Love keeps me focused on the blessings in my life.

I finally got my head out of my @$$ and woke up to the reality: it is not getting what you want, but wanting what you get. I have a wonderful family and was willing to risk it all. For what? For some sort of conquest. Now I know that hormones will cloud my head and make me think my heart is talking. It's not my heart that is speaking, but rather a desire to be desired.

I have to admit, it is probably not going to be black and white. One day infatuated, the next disgusted. However, now I think I can manage to keep my mind on the job, rather than thinking up ways to run into the person enticing me.

This process has been gradual, which probably means that my reaction is rational rather than psychotic. Let's hope anyway.

Through this challenge I have been able to grow in my faith. I asked to have this resolved and my prayers have been answered. I have to say that the friend that I am so enamored with has been nothing but respectful. For this I am grateful. I was able to tell him I had a crush and he did not make me feel bad nor silly. I have a lot of respect for this person. In the end, I have gained self-respect through this walk.

Thanks be to God!

Let the Wild Rumpus Start

I am convinced we are all waiting for our king to start the rumpus in our lives-to give us that feeling of being alive. The wild rush that comes from teenage love is impossible to replicate. Yet we are all searching to capture that wild moment once again. See the character in the far right corner? That is me. Falling back into the total ecstasy of the rumpus. This is what is driving me right now. I feel like the guy in a mid-life crisis that needs to buy the Lamborghini to satisfy those urges once again. Wine used to placate those urges and give me the feeling of that rise every time a popped the cork. Now that it is nearly 18 months since I've touched a cork, I am looking to seize the feeling in other ways. I am falling for the slightest little attention that comes my way. I feel ravenous for love. Yet I know in my mind that this deep desire that I have must come from another source than what I am seeking. I am in touch with God everyday looking for a way to satisfy that hunger. So here is what I hear:

1. Bike rides give you that rush.
2. Awesome lessons where the kids really get it....Yeah!
3. Killer workouts and then walking out into the morning feel like heaven.

So take heart and let the Rumpus begin. Find those moments each day and forget the teenage love trap. We all love that exhilarating surge that comes from the limbic part of our brain. Harness that emotion and send it into all the right directions.

Poison Oak

Have you ever had poison oak? You know that burning itch that won't go away. All you want to do is scratch it until the poison juices are out of your skin. I once had to get a hydrocortisone shot and another time I had to take prednisone because the inflammation had gotten so bad. The prednisone was the worst because the withdrawl made me nuts.

This is exactly what is happening to me emotionally right now. My friend has gotten so under my skin that all I can do is think of itching it. I am telling myself this is not my fault. Yet I know that I am not the first to be smitten with another while committed to a marriage. So what is the antidote? I have no idea. I wait everyday to see him just for a moment, to share a quick conversation. I feel like a nube from The Office. I just keep praying that God will present the solution. However, even my dreams are affected. I dreamt that we were playing footsies under the table with our soles touching. Okay, this is cheesy, but I woke up thinking "soul mates." See, I am just like those dorks on The Office. So now I am so distracted I cannot even concentrate on my work. My work is my lifeline. It is what makes me feel alive. Yet, this person has been able to interrupt that lifeline and make me want to put all aside just to have a stupid cup of coffee.

Lord help me because I am powerless over this. Help me to see the truth in my heart and follow in your ways. Guide me to the path that is the best for all concerned. Horrible feelings from my teenage life are flooding in like a tidal wave.
I so wanted to be loved and once I thought I had found that love, it was ripped out from underneath me. I know that people around the world suffer fantastic trials. That my piddly little story is nothing. Help me to put this into perspective and concentrate on the true love that supercedes all these itchings. At least offer up some salve to calm the burn.

Love the one you're with....

So I am learning to continue to love the one I am with. He has been by my side through thick and thin. And I mean that literally. As I have gained weight, he has continued to make me feel like the apple of his eye. As I have lost weight, he has complemented me and humored me as I pounce on him like a dog in heat. So as I pray for the resistance to the fruit of another, I am strengthened in my faith. I can not do this alone. I have to ask for help. Yes, I am still like a school girl, giddy with desire. But now I have the ability to fully metastasize the hurt that would come from irresponsible behavior. It comes back to an ability to self-control and discipline. This was my challenge with alcohol and continues to erupt in other areas in my life. It would be helpful if someone shared their experience as a learning tool. No one ever writes a book on how they deal with these feelings in a healthy manner. Martin Luther King, Jr. couldn't even make the right choices and he was a minister. Is the feeling of acceleration that comes from a new found crush so powerful that it robs rationality from the most chaste? God gave us a powerful draw to the opposite sex to ensure the survival of the species. With this gift came a curse. How do we temper those urges and channel them into healthy endeavors?

The Love Bug Bites

I have been bitten! The love bug stung me right in the heart. I don't know what to do.....I fell for a co-worker and I thought this would never happen. I work in a safe environment: mostly women. How did I get stuck on this one?

I have been so busy going to the gym and cleaning up my house that I haven't written in my journal. Now I am feeling the urgent need to do so. I think that if I can compose my thoughts here, then I will be able to face my feelings out there. Maybe it is like a riptide, just swim parallel and wait until it is safe to swim ashore. All I know is that I am sick! Love sick. Forty-four years old and unable to control my thoughts or emotions. The good news is that no longer am I drowning out feelings and emotions. I am being forced to mature and learn to grapple with the natural inclinations of a woman hitting a mid-life crisis. Lord, help me. Now I understand Bill Clinton's philandering. How do you put a lid on those butterflies swarming in your stomach? I feel like a school girl anticipating every little encounter with this individual. I am so bad, that I invited him and his wife to dinner. It was bittersweet. I would catch myself lost in his eyes and have to snap out of it. Good grief, Charlie Brown! I can just hear Lucy in the back of my head trying to get to come to my senses. She is telling me that this too will pass. What if it doesn't? What if it gets worse. I don't even know why I like him. He is completely not what I would be looking for. He is about ten years older than me. He is seemingly unmotivated. He is, he is.....just not what I would picture. Yet my thoughts keep veering off the road. So here I am, trying to get my work done and instead spilling my guts, thinking that I can get it out of my system. Or does this just feed the fire?

By the way, I thought I was happily married. Does anybody relate to this?

You're trapped now

See how Iran is caught in the middle of our two wars: Iraq and Afghanistan? This is no accident. The Taliban has long been in pursuit of a gas line running through Turkmenistan. See the last entry on this timeline: http://www.worldpress.org/specials/pp/pipeline_timeline.htm. I believe that oil companies, largely staked in the US, have been pursuing this pipeline as well. Hence, the Iranian war has been in the works for more than ten years. Staging ourselves in Iraq and Afghanistan are just the precursor to invading the territory that suits the pipeline best. Currently, there is but one pipeline feeding the behemoth state of China. It runs through the very mountainous region of Azerbaijan. Whoever can run the second pipeline through the much friendlier terrain of Turkmenistan will no doubt have full coffers. So it is no wonder that the American public is being worked into a fervor over the unrest in Iran. (Okay the froth has since died down due to the "King of Pop's" death.) But you can see how another invasion could easily be sold in the light of human interest. Iran still hangs their people in the middle of intersections, above the street lights. They are second only to China in executions. Yet, if we go into Iran, why do we not go into China? Because China owns us. We are trapped now. We are like Iran. Stuck. We are stuck between our human interest and our financial interest and Iran is going to be caught in the fallout.

I call on the American public to get more informed before heading into another war. It may not even be our choice, however. China may put it to us that we must seek the pipeline in order to pay off our horrendous debt. We are trapped now!

Just as a sidebar, the Iranian people may be able to pull a lot of this off on their own. They staged a technological coup Tuesday night when they coordinated a blackout of Ahmadinejad's address by turning on all electrical appliances to overload the system. Brilliant!

Let the next year begin...

So here it is: one year of finding alternative ways to foster joy in my life. I thought the joy that came from a bottle could never be out done, but I was wrong. I have experienced a brand new sense of joy. Now I look for joy in every situation, down to the flat tire on my daughter's new bike. At times my joy is far beyond my dreams and other times I am wondering "what is the point?"


The first year in sobriety is like the first year in parenthood. You have a party to celebrate that you made it through that initial year. It's not really a party for the child as it is a party for the parents. Sure you invite kids to the party. But really, who is celebrating? The parents. This is true for my first year of sobriety. My family is so excited for me. Yet, I know I have just begun. I certainly don't want them to make a big deal of it. To me it is like congratulating a teenager for not doing drugs. Big deal. We want to honor true accomplishments such as volunteer efforts, good grades, wise choices. This is what I want to be honored for-my potential reached. I feel like I have just begun to make use of my abilities.

So as I just begin this first phase of my new life, I am going to list my blessings and goals.

Blessings:

1. A husband that supports my endeavors
2. Two beautiful children despite their teenage attitudes
3. A job that feels like play
4. A home to rest and find peace
5. Workouts
6. Bike rides
7. My pooches
8. Espresso con pana
9. Freedom
10. God's grace

Goals:

1. Friday activities that rejuvenate
2. Weekly bike rides
3. More volunteer work
4. More family time
5. More time for reading
6. Meditate
7. Laugh more
8. Listen more
9. Make time for friends
10. Find means to diminish depression

While I have not attended more than three AA meetings in the first year of my sobriety, I do not rule it out as a resource. I have been fortunate enough to find resources on the web, but there is nothing like meeting face to face with others trying to fight the same battle. The battle that is present for me now is depression. I know that much of it has to do with the lack of dopamine. That was the draw of alcohol in the first place. It placated my starving nerve receptors. Unfortunately, the body is so adaptable that the more one drinks, the more receptors the brain creates to handle the alcohol. So now I am stuck with even more receptors and still lacking levels of dopamine. Working toward alternative means to create the sensation of dopamine is quite a struggle. Monday nights I work out for two hours to create a feeling of euphoria. Friday nights I just resign to my bed. Now that it is summer, I am not exhausted enough to fall into bed when my brain feels the need to leisure. This is the problem. I do not know how to enjoy leisure time. The only time that I really can relax is when I am at the beach. With nowhere to go and nothing to clean, I finally fall into the reading/nap mode. I wish to find that kind of feeling in my own home. I could do it with a glass of wine (I mean a bottle). Now I have to find the alternative ways to achieve that euphoria. Hence the abundance of exercise on my list of goals. I think it is the best way to get to that relaxed sense of well being.

Also, I always felt so grateful when drinking. Now I have trouble getting that sense. I know what I should be grateful for, but lack the actual feeling. It's kind of like being book smart and having no gut sense. I suppose with time the sense of well being will come more often. There are times that I feel rapture and enlightenment. I just want them to come more often. As I delve deeper into meditation, I hope to reach these states of gratitude and enlightenment with more regularity. So here is to the next year of living life out of the shackles of addiction and stretching toward my full potential.

Independence and Innovation

The world may soon find out the full extent that the innovation of nuclear warheads could bring. Kim Jong II succeeded in testing his missiles on our celebration of Independence- Independence from the rule of the British monarchy. Now we have to fight for a new independence-Independence from the fear of a nuclear assault. Jong promises to make his threat of defeating the giant Goliath come true. I am on pins and needles as Obama goes to Russia to continue a pow wow with nations that could be garnered as allies against an unstable leader with nuclear capabilities on the horizon. To make matters worse, Israel has the go ahead to strike out at nuclear Iran, getting a pass from Saudi Arabia's airspace. It feels like an impending disaster is on the horizon. I was expecting to feel a sense of accomplishment on this near anniversary of my independence from alcohol. Instead I am trapped in an endless pursuit of news from the hotbed of our globe. I realize tensions in this region are centuries old and Armegeddon is a human fascination, but this somehow feels like a turning point in current involvement in the Middle East. My preoccupation could be the result of extra time on my hands due to summer vacation. Perhaps it is because my true interests are finally awakened after years of alcoholic slumber-I majored in political science. Or maybe things are getting a little intense right now...

Interesting article in the newspaper this morning about how the innovation of the Internet started in the US and therefore we still control a lot in the world, assuring some of our independence. But what happens as the internet becomes more of a tool of warfare and governments are required to control its realm? Does innovation equal greater independence? Can we stay ahead of the game and continue to create weapons of the virtual world? Already we have seen this be the case in the current struggle in Iran. It was in our country that server blocks were being averted so the communication could continue amongst the protestors in Iran.

We are in need of innovative thinking to keep above the fray. I practice this on a daily basis, even in the midst of Independence Day. Let me explain: we headed to the beach for the busiest day of the year. Why? Our teens are too old for the block party that has been a neighborhood tradition for a score (20 years). They invited friends and we packed the "Buttmobile" full of food, drinks (Vitamin water and tea), and the bbq grill. It was a leisurely drive through a less traveled road-we took the long way. On the way we saw plenty of field workers celebrating the day by bending over in the sun to pick the food we take for granted. This sure set the tone for appreciating all the ammenities that have been gained on the backs of our forefathers. We get to the beach and it is so packed we cannot find a place to park or even drop off our load. So we drive another hour to less populated beaches in search of a place to observe this day. At this point the driver is getting rather frustrated, so are the kids. I could only keep my mind on the boy that held a puppy in the fields as his only entertainment, as his parents worked all day. No bbqs for this young lad. Thank God innovation steps in as my husband starts to get snappy with me. We ended up back at our first stop and created a spot by parking perpendicular to cars in the usual parking spots. If only we had been so enlightened before. See, frustration blocks out possibilities. Next, we land on the beach with much effort and set up camp, tent included. Finally, we are ready to start our "celebration." However, the beach is being heavily patrolled, with every cooler being checked for alcohol and fireworks. The police, taking extra precautions, tell us we have to take down our tent because they can't see what is going on inside of the tents. Mind you, the beach looks like a tent city in a refugee camp. Innovation steps in again. My husband starts to get that angry look and I remind him of the parking spot. So he promptly works with me to create a wind shelter using the skeleton of the tent and the fly. It was a masterful exhibition of what has to be done, will be done. Imagine, if we were faced with making it work for the sake of survival, we would have found innovation on our side much quicker. Isn't this the case? We wait until we are forced to finding solutions before we go looking for them.

I was forced a year ago to find a solution to my dependence on alcohol. Now I wished I hadn't wasted so much time. I finally started to innovate and find new ways in my life to reach the HIGH. Now if I need to feel like I have drank a bottle of wine, I head to YOGA. If I need to have the comraderie of drinking buddies, I come here. If I need to laugh again and forget that the world may blow up one day, I sit here and blow off steam to you.It has occurred to me that these pages will be a good resource in years to come. So I have decided for my one year of sobriety to have these pages printed into a book. Yes, it is possible. Somebody has already innovated that. Innovation will equal independence- Independence from fear, frustration, and foes.

Snubbed!

Three guesses as to who is missing... You got it: Dr. Ahmadinejad! He calls himself a doctor, yet where is his PhD decorum now?! He was not invited to this private meeting with "Russia’s President Dmitry Medvedev, center, who greets Afghanistan’s president, Hamid Karzai, left, and Pakistan’s Asif Ali Zardari in June. He did not offer a private meeting to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad."
Let the world show with diplomacy that the doctor's tactics are outdated. His rhetoric is not current with the times. This despot is proud to announce Friday killings before Friday prayers. There are still public hangings taking place in Iran. Whether these people are convicted killers or protesters, it still reeks of barbarianism. People are hung under a street light in broad daylight, with onlookers taking photos using their phones.
The link above is rather disturbing, so beware. While this is no different than what took place in our own country in the south just sixty years ago, it is a new century and governments cannot lead using repression. Let the doctor wallow in isolation with his nuclear threats. It will do him no good if he can't sell his oil....

Stranger than Fiction

This is getting wackier by the minute. The above is a supposed Twitter site by the Iranian former president (still claiming to be the current president-i think he got the idea from bush). Usually, Twitter will disengage a site if someone is impersonating a celebrity or demigod. That is what happened to the third site below. It used to be the Ayatollah's Twitter site, but the comments were stripped and the site was disengaged. Now, here is the question: "Why haven't the sites of these two despots been deactivated?" Are they in fact using Twitter as a propaganda tool? If so, check out their tweets. They make for reading that is certainly stranger than fiction.

Goin' Green

Seems like wherever you go, it's goin' green. I went back up to SF to visit the new Academy of Sciences. This ecologically-aware building sports a "green" roof top and solar panels! Imagine: solar panels in SF. They never even see the sun in Golden Gate Park....Pretty funny how good the technology on this stuff is getting. They espouse that 20% of the power for the building is supplied by these solar panels. Amazing!

The experience was not all that I expected, it was more. It was a free day at the museum, which meant thousands upon thousands lined up on the never-ending sidewalk going through the park. We were lucky to be in the first 2000 so we got in the building after only a 45 minute wait. Once in, it was all a#@ and elbows. WE (the teenagers and I) bumped our way into two more 45 minute lines to obtain tickets for the Planetarium and Bug Show. Needless to say, the teens were not up to waiting three hours to get into the above shows that we waited in line just to get tickets. So we left. Of course before leaving, we marveled at the albino croc and gawked at the four story Rainforest in a bubble. We also saw the stuffed African animals that had not changed at all and laughed at the African penguins remodeling their habitat. These snapshots into the life around the world to educate us voyeuristic tourists, just do not satisfy the teenage mind. Can't say it was doing much for mine either.

So off we headed to Chinatown to get a cup of tea. The last time I had taken the kids to Chinatown the neighbor girl wanted to stop in for tea, but I said we should do it on our way back to the car since we had just eaten. They were closed when we finally made our round trip. Today I was determined to rekindle whatever fire was in that tea room for our neighbor, nearly family friend. However, today we could not find the tea shop. Again, it was a%$ and elbows, but this time it was authentic. You could smell the stinky fish. You could see the crisp bok choy and even buy some. It was a museum of the best kind. We wandered around finding filming crews shooting a movie, people living out their everyday lives, and a delectable candy shop. This is what I had come for: the magic of the day unfolding as I followed the lead of my teens. They are fantastic dates. I wish I could freeze time and keep them this age forever. Yet they are green and must grow. They must turn into the old yellow snakes like in the book Verdi by Janele Cannon.
The premise of the book is about a spunky python that never wants to turn out to be like the old yellows that only grumble and whine through their day. He tries everything to stay green. Yet nature takes its course and he ends up big and yellow like the rest. But he is not like the rest. He remains green inside. He maintains his spunk and vigor. I can only hope that I can remain green inside. That our nation can maintain this green fervor. May it not just be another fad.

So here's the real kicker: my daughter has been "green" since age five. She declared herself a vegetarian in Kindergarten. She has been eating quinoa and tofu since then. Right in the middle of Chinatown is a Veggie restaurant. Amidst all the fish eyes, fish balls, roasted ducks, and slabs of meat, a vegetarian restaurant. What a hoot!


So has the wave started? I just turned my Twitter avatar green in support of the Iranian Revolution. What else can I make green? My beer? No wait... I don't drink anymore. Seems as though the Irish have been ahead of us all with their green holiday: St. Patty's. Go fightin' Irish. You knew the Green Revolution was coming all along. Go figure.

Life is Rough

I am learning to relinquish to God. While I know my life's tribulations are trite, they are nonetheless my trials. I spent the day up in SF riding in the freezing cold wind. "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco ..." This is the truth! We had a blast anyway. My daughter finally stopped grumping and we had tea in the Japanese Tea Gardens. Next, we found a tantalizing little place to have a late lunch: Park Chow. It had a brick oven and the yummiest food (fennel soup and homemade bread for a BLTA). The "A" stands for Avocado-how California. Which reminds me of my first year in CA. I thought alfalfa sprouts, avocado, and wine pretty much summed up California, having come from Colorado, the land of beef. I would go to the grocery and get a can of tuna, a ripe avocado, sprouts, whole wheat bread, and a bottle of white zin. I would fix myself the most delectable California lunch and sit in the California sun thinking I had arrived in heaven. That is how the love affair began....The bottle and I were friends since the friend that had moved out to the Golden State with me had gone back to the Midwest. I decided to stay since I had started to take root. I shared an apartment with two other girls and had a decent job. Eventually, I would take to going to "The City" on my own to dance in the clubs. I even would head to the beach and order lobster and a bottle of champagne all on my own. I was truly "grown up." Little did I know, that I was actually stunting my growth.

So yesterday as we ambled around the Haight after our delicious lunch, I wanted to shake the youth lounging on the street begging for money or plying for sympathy with sad little rubber ducks that they offered up for adoption at a buck a duck. One girl "adopting" out these rubber duckys had such gorgeous eyes she could easily rival the most famous eyes from National Geographic. I turned to my daughter and said "that girl has eyes that are only second to yours. She should not be on the street." I wanted to bottle up all my misery from my youth and show her that she is wasting time. Time is precious. Start living!!! She would not have heard me anymore than I would have heard warnings in my youth. So I pray that my daughter will see what I see and avoid some of the pitfalls of my life. Don't we all want that?! Yet we all must take our journeys and arrive at our own destinations. It is truly the events in my life that have brought me here today. I would never have had empathy for the youth in front of me if I didn't know the allure of alcohol. I turn it over and pray that they come out of it safely. I hope my own daughter has the wisdom now that took me 43 years to find. I know no matter how rough it gets, there is always worse. Imagine a grater for toilet paper!!!

I came back to check how close to one year of reality I am. In just 45 days I will have made my first real milestone. I still can't believe I had time to drink before. Now that I gave up drinking, it seems like I even have less time. I am trying to figure out how I got things done before. As my brain feels like it is constantly spinning, I am looking to emulate these monkeys. That was the appeal of the bottle. I could stop the thinking and march onward. It didn't occur to me all that I could be doing. Now the battle lies in how to calm myself down. These monkeys know the secret to living on earth. Enjoy the blessings all around. I bet this Japanese monkey had a rough day at the office. Running around pulling bananas off trees and starting a food fight must have pushed him to the limits. Thank God for the hot springs.

I thank God for the gym. I have engrossed myself in building a 6-pack instead of downing one. I have traded in the wine bottle for the vitamin water bottle. And I have traded in the size 12 dress for a size 10. Not all bad. Not all perfect either. Life still has its bumps. My car was broken into last Friday night and my computer was stolen. I spent all day Saturday replacing the window and computer (uploading files and software). I blew up at my boss for over reacting to a situation, and I canceled on an obligation, teaching my son to lie. Let's see, maybe getting sober is not all its cracked up to be. While I know I say this tongue in cheek, I often wonder if I was drinking to self-medicate to mask all my deficiencies. Duh!!!!!

So I will focus on my strengths and turn those weaknesses into blessings. Yes, we are given our weaknesses to realize our interdependence on others and God. Without them, there would be no need to reach out to our fellow human beings. So my weakness, my cross has brought me closer to those needing help from my strengths and vice-a-versa. So all is not for naught. Being an alcoholic ends up being a blessing. Imagine that!

Time to hit the tub. :D

Earth Day

Make sure to scroll down and pause playlist to stop music before playing the Earth Day video.

Ahhhh, the beach!

Yesterday was a great day taking in the waves and salty air as the kids made their beach sculpture. I am eternally grateful for all the blessings in my life. My kids are making my day and my life. They are great fun even with all their shenanigans. I couldn't ask for anything better! Thank God I woke up out of my drunken slumber in time to enjoy all of this.

Holy Week

It's Holy Week and now is the time for prayer. As I walk this path, keeping my eye on my own cross, I realize how fickle we humans can be.

I am faced with the supreme challenge of loving a friend whom I have worked so hard to sever the ties with. This friend was my drinking buddy, my hiking buddy, my working buddy. She even landed me my job, which is my passion. But things got toxic. Her husband is a mirror of me and my former self. It was just nine months ago to the day that he hit what looked like the bottom. It scared me so much that I started blubbering to my dad that I was not far behind. I could see myself in him. So I quit. He has since hit other depths and tonight is yet another. I know this because his daughter is my daughter's best friend. She has come to spend the night. I don't ask what has happened because I know. It is a beautiful spring night and the heart takes flight with a lovely glass of chardonnay on these nights. The heart soars to the heavens after a bottle. So now I dig for love for a friend that is suffering because of this substance which is supposed to be nectar of God. Why does this stuff have to exist?

This so called nectar is my cross. So here is the path that I must follow. I must realize that no matter how tantalizing that glass of wine is, I must not turn away from the cross. I must keep walking down that path toward a different kind of flight. The flight my heart takes when my child looks to me and says, "Thanks mom." The heavenly laughter from two children who are growing into fine young adults. The blessing of being able to be someone else's rock. These are the flights I must keep my eye on.

Also, I must try to love the friend that had been my best friend for nearly 25 years. I have to look past all the annoyances and find compassion in my heart for this woman who struggles for the same love as me.

Take the Plunge

Go ahead, take the plunge! Twitter directory. I have been having so much fun following the tweets of celebs, politicians, and news pundits. In fact it has become a new distraction for me. Friday nights used to be a nightmare, without my good ole friend named Chardonnay. Now I find friends all over the globe plunking away at less than 140 characters each in Twitterville. Usually, their tweets point to a particular Website that the "Twit" finds interesting. For example, Ashton Kutcher pointed to a site one night that highlighted genius children. I would not have picked Ashton Kutcher as someone to follow, but he is so prolific in the tweet universe, that he is a curiosity. Not to mention the fact, that he often references his wife: Demi Moore (who also happens to be in the Twit world). Before this advertisement goes any further, let me just say I have nothing to do with the inception of this verbal diarrhea. It just happens to be a distraction that keeps me from thinking about all my friends that are happily passing their weekend nights sipping on the elixer that once was my distraction.

So now I ask what am I trying to be distracted from? Frustrations in my life which I have no control maybe. Yes! I am trying to constantly control the universe, to no avail. No surprise! If I would just let go and trust God that everything works out in the end, then I could sit back and enjoy the ride instead of trying to throw a wrench into it. So now I am partaking in mindless Twitter to take my mind off anxieties that make me think drinking was not such a bad idea. Go ahead take the plunge, I dare you! It is afterall, where I found the above photo...


http://www.smashingmagazine.com/2008/11/16/beautiful-examples-of-tilt-shift-photography/

March Madness

It is like the last mile....that dark of the morning just before spring hits. The light that is about to take over our hearts is just around the corner, yet somehow I can't keep from creating wreckage along this final stretch. Relationships are strained in every corner of my universe. I am intent on completing tasks, not realizing the tasks are just a stage to bring me closer to fellow human beings. Just as I am thinking that these human beings are getting in my way, I realize that these are the people that are in the canoe with me as I am hitting the rapids. Instead of grabbing their oar and hitting them over the head, I should be patiently awaiting their contribution. It is after all, with each oar in the water that we make it through the rapids. So as I enter the final turn on this river, I will keep my hands on my own oar and dig deep into the water. I will resist the temptation of blaming those around me for my discontent. I know that this puts me in bondage. If the slaves could free their minds while in bondage, surely I can keep my mind my out of bondage since I am free. I am free from the bottle. It no longer creeps into my mind in the middle of the day. It no longer robs me of my retirement fund. It will not keep me up late at night, making swiss cheese out of my liver. It will not clog my arteries, keep me from the gym, stupefy my mind, desinigrate my judgment, and keep me from growing. Thanks be to God!

Weapons of Self-Destruction

This man has been making me laugh for years. I am sure he will have loads of material after he gets out of the shop (after his tune-up). He had to go in for some heart work. He was in the middle of a tour called, you guessed it, Weapons of Self-Destruction. What do you think his weapon of destruction is: butter? Yes we do manage to do ourselves in even when we know the consequences of the multitude of indulgences. Maybe it is because we forget the word indulgence. Perhaps what was once an indulgence becomes a mainstay. Since I have given up the weapon (alcohol) because it was leading me to self-destruction, I have found myself opening my eyes to many of the weapons in my life. Not all of them are gastronomic. Some are ways of being: judgmental thinking, limiting my options, self-centered perceptions, and just plain gossiping. During this Lenten season, I am focusing in on these types of "indulgences" and trying to weed my garden of these weapons of self-destruction. My hope at the end of these six weeks is to form some new habits so that I might begin to see other habits that are destroying my growth. Funny how it is, you start to do something in the right direction and only then do you see how far you have strayed from the path. At least I can see the path and am no longer staring at the edge of a cliff.

Your postings have been a huge part of this awareness. For this I am so grateful!

Prayers for the funny man above.


Picture credit:
http://www.portland-oregon-magazine.com/news/196/ARTICLE/2982/2008-11-17.html

Soup Night

Wednesday nights are Soup Nights during Lent. Different groups at church bring soups that can be shared before the Lenten services. Tonight I made cabbage carrot soup for cleansing. I put ginger in it to give it flavor and boy is it spicy! It tastes a lot like the coconut soup at a Thai restaurant. The impetus to make this soup was that at my work we are competing in our own version of the "Biggest Loser." We are teamed up each week with a different partner and we weigh in on Wednesday to see what percentage of weight each team has lost. This week's winning team's secret: CABBAGE SOUP! So I am embarking on the second week armed with my own version of cabbage soup. I used purple cabbage since purple is the color of Lent. It looks like I may have started a new tradition for my family. We might end up calling this our Lenten soup. It is after all, a great cleanser. I am really getting into the mode this year, cleansing mind, body, and soul. I have made it to the gym every night sans Wednesday when I go to Confirmation class with my boy.

Cleansing my spirit seems to be the most difficult. I am constantly engaged in turmoil this time of year. We call it March Madness. I think the weather is really starting to get to everyone, including me. As the arguments increase, I am reminded that it is no easy to task to walk the path of peace. However, today I did notice mini miracles that keep me trying. Strained relationships showed signs of healing, a co-worker shared her joy about being able to teach about God. She had come from a school (private not public) where it was not permitted . To be able to point her finger at the target that we are trying to hit really strikes her as a miracle. While we always fall short, we at least have in view of what we are shooting for. Imagine, pointing kids aimlessly, without a clear role model. Sure we could point them to the president, the Pope, the principal, but they will fall short just as we do. So Jesus gives these kids a real hero to follow. To be able to talk about Him is a miracle.

Soup nights are great because it takes us out of the routine of preparing meals and brings us to the table to reflect on a time when society did not have the liberties that we do. It gives us pause to bring about peace. It is a great way to start a diet of the mind, spirit, and body. To bring myself back to the center.

Just show it who's boss....

This is the statement that allowed me to take my final drink. I had a dream last night that I was a drinker again. Funny how that can slip into your subconscious. How can I show who is boss while I am dreaming? The statement "Just show it who's boss" came from my dad, to whom I a very grateful. Rather than passing judgement, he would listen to long winded, slurred conversations on Friday nights as I would sip away. I thought I was doing alright. Afterall, I was spending time with my dad, discussing politics, and folding laundry all at the same time. So one night I am blubbering on again about my inability to stop after just a couple. Dad proposed that I just drink two glasses and then throw the rest down the drain. Show it who is boss! I could see how this would go. I would end up buying two bottles so I could throw one down the drain and still drink one bottle. Of course I was already buying two bottles because I thought hubby might want some and one would not be sufficient for the both of us. So two bottles would easily creep to three. You get the idea. That was my final drink.

At least I continue to tell myself that. After last night's dream I am needing some resolve. I am okay for today, but I wonder if five years down the line if I might decide that I could finally hold my liquor. You know this is how it always starts out. I do really well for about a year and slowly but surely the ebb and flow ends up in more flow than ebb. So I am here to remind myself that this life is way more precious than any delicious cabernet or chardonnay.

Let me illustrate. This week my pet mouse died. Now this is a classroom pet so it is always traumatic when we have to face the facts of life and death. This I know is a part of their education so I always buckle down and help the class work through this. This week was completely different, however. The mouse died of starvation. We had changed the cage after school and I neglected to add food as I always do. This ensures that they have enough stock pile in case the pet person forgets to feed our mice. For three days these mice were starved when finally on Friday I looked in to see that one mouse was wavering with weakness. I knew exactly what had happened. I did not alert the kids, but rather asked our pet person to throw some food in. I knew she would not see what I had. The other one had already died. I was heartbroken; I had caused this.

We proceeded with our story You're never too little to love. This story is told by a mouse. Egads, this was a difficult thing. So I released the kids and took care of our little friend. Then I went around town on Saturday for three hours looking for a replacement (white with black spots). No luck. I was starting to consider a Sharpie (JK). Finally, I was able to "adopt" someone's pet from the pet store that had brown spots. This would have to do. I reconcilled that I am going to have to tell the class that one passed away. I even bought a new cage so that I could tell them that it must have had something to do with the rust on the old cage. I have yet to reconcile this thought. So now I have these little critters atop my dryer and I look at them as I do my laundry. They will go back to school with me tomorrow and I vow never to have that happen again. Repentance.

Now I segway into the final part of this story. Lent is a time to give up old selfish ways. To give to those with less. A time to fast and cleanse the body. We have strayed as a society from this concept. To fast reminds us of those around the world who do die of starvation. Children. It also benefits our own bodies as we flush out toxins from our overloaded systems. This little mouse has brought me to a new awareness of these six weeks before Easter. As I devote more time to prayer and service to others, fast and do with less, I am reminded who really is the boss. Only God will keep those night binges (drinking dreams) from seeping into my waking hours. My dad knew that he would appeal to the bossier side of me when he suggested that I show the bottle who the boss was. That was the entry I needed. The beginning of a new awareness. As I grow and discover that it is not me who is boss, I am learning that each sober day affords me a deeper awareness. I want to continue to grow in this awareness so I will keep those thoughts of drinking at arm's length. And when I wake up from a dream like last night's I know I need to pray even harder. Thanks be to Dad and thanks be to God.

May your journey be blessed.

Raindrops keep fallin.....

Rain falls just in time. We have been facing an impending drought so the rain is very welcome. It is my shortcoming to look short term. I am constantly caught up in the immediacy of life that often I lack the long view. As the rain falls weeks in a row, I am forcing myself to take the long view and be thankful because the pain of a drought will undoubtedly last longer than a few weeks of rain. Now this is an easy and rather short long view. After all, the rain will be dry in no time and blossoms will abound by next week. I guess where I really get into trouble is when focusing on the long view in relationships, goals, and sobriety. I know that my teenagers will soon be out of their sassy phase and goals that I am stretching for will be within view within the year. But the sobriety, that seems like it will be forever before I see a payoff. I know that with sobriety comes a fuller engagement in life. But it also means facing character flaws head on. No longer can I hide behind the mask of being hung-over and tired. Now I know that the difficulties that I am having are more me than the residual effects of a toxin. When my brain refuses to act like a well oiled machine I begin to wonder if I have possibly done permanent damage by imbibing for the past 20 years. You know that warning about killing brain cells- it rings in my ears as I am having an off day.

So today I allowed myself to not get it just right, to be a little off. Then I came home to find some slice of the day that would be some sign of growth. "It's hard to face an ugly truth about yourself. I guess the only thing you can do is take positive steps." -Scrubs
I never thought I would be quoting a TV show, but there it was as I was clicking away. So as I write this down to serve as retrospect down the road, I am in effect taking a positive step. Rather than numb away the day, I am allowing some introspection and searching for a way to stretch and grow. It may just be a few drops of change, but it is change in the right direction, nonetheless.

Quote for Today

"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything,
but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do
the something I can do."
--Helen Keller (June 27, 1880 – June 1, 1968)

picture: http://d21c.com/sookietex/womens_history_helen_keller.jpg

Perception is Everything

http://www.crisisofcredit.com/

Bondage or Freedom

You are free, but your mind is trapped,
Trapped in vicious cycles of thinking patterns.
Your mind circulates around all that must be accomplished.
Going from one task to the next, always anticipating the freedom.
Yet your mind is never really free, free to fancy all that is happening.
Instead your thoughts swirl like the flushing toilet, never relishing the present.
You are free, but your mind is trapped.
Trapped in accomplishments and to-do lists.
Now imagine every chore a chance to let the mind take flight.
Your imagination embarking on the inventive pursuits you have been designed for.
Could we not set ourselves free as the slave did?
The slave's body in bondage, but the mind free.
Singing Gospels
Freeing the Spirit

Are you free or in bondage?

la Audacia de la Esperanza

What a blessing to be able to have some free time to read the experiences of another person that gives hope. When I think about my battles, they seem so sublime in comparison. In the first chapter and in the Prologue Obama speaks of the times that he could have given up hope, but he didn't. While running for U.S. Senate he would show up at churches, bridge groups, union halls, etc. only to have a few people there. Sometimes he would speak at the end of a union meeting that had already declared support for another candidate. That kind of blind faith is exactly what keeps me going. His life is a true inspiration to many Americans, having lost faith in this country. While I know some may find his political stances offensive, his faith can be held up without question. He believed and continues to believe that we are capable of more, not just as a nation, but as a species. When I start to go down that tunnel of despair and self-serving pity, I pull my head up and wonder what the day must be like for the person responsible for so much. Given we are in the worst economic times since the Depression, the way in which our current president continues to instill hope into this nation is electrifying. Obama's hope has gripped my mind and makes my journey seem like a piece of cake. My goal for this week is to find a way I can be of service to my community. It may be a small as offering free babysitting to a mom overwhelmed by the needs of her children. It may be running a team meeting for my son's baseball team. It may be finding greeters for church. It might mean making sure the teens in my children's lives have a fruitful week off from school. It may mean instead of thinking about the difficulties, focusing on the possibilities. While my service seems menial, it is what I can offer. I can only hope that what I do offer provides hope to someone else down the line. La Audacia de la Esperanza!


pictures: http://www.audioeditions.com/audio-book-images/The-Audacity-of-Hope-E5R409L.jpg
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3015/2338851042_49e90dc102_o.jpg

Post Valentine's Day Post

This card is just meant to be shared... Since the hubby did not so much as even get his valentine a card, he definitely deserved this one. Or maybe he did get his valentine a card. Maybe his iMac is the happy recipient of flowers and chocolates. Not too worry, after 19 years I'm sure Valentine's Day is getting a little old. He did take me out to my favorite coffee shop today, in the rain. He did go to church without resistance even though his hockey team was playing. He did do all the dishes after my disastrous cooking. And I am sure he will take it easy on me this week as I lounge around reading a book while he is slaving away at the brew kettle. Love the ups and downs of marriage. It just comes down to evaluating our expectations. If I expect to be thrilled, then I will be, no matter what. Everything is in the perception. So I am choosing to be thrilled. Like the card says, "Your are the wind beneath my wings."

Happy @#$%*^)# Valentine's Day

NOT to put a damper on anyone's day, but I have to put this into my journal. I woke up thrilled to finally have a day "off" after a very stressful week. My day "off" went into high gear as I realized the girl at the grocery store last night had not given us our $40 that we deducted from our account, the boy's diabetic friend needed food right away, the boy needed to go to the chiropractor, baseball practice, violin practice, my mom and dad are coming to celebrate birthdays (yes, plural), and the house looks like a disaster!

You're probably thinking: why aren't you cleaning instead of talking to the computer. Good point. But, I need a mind adjustment before I can even begin to tackle this house. Who is going to give it to me? My daughter! I came home from running the boy to all his destinations to find this note:

I understand you are stressed, but.....

if you let your stress dissolve and just know that everything will be okay you will:
1. be happier
2. make others less stressed
3. not get sick (stress has lead to becoming depressed and actually causes illness)
4. be safer (driving while stressed is know to cause accidents)
5. get more done (your mind can work on more stuff at one time because it's not being overloaded with stress)
6. have a better day
7. be able to entertain guests with joy and not "okay, okay, that 's nice, now I have to go" attitude.
8. not get unnecessary wrinkles, picture included


Now if these things don't sound appealing, then I suggest you get medicine for being crazy!

That was my Valentine's present from the girl! Number seven is a killer. It struck me right in the heart. Instead of being thankful for the time to visit, I was seeing it as a burden. This young lady is sure teaching me! So here I go, with an attitude adjustment:

1. Thanks for a loving family
2. Thanks for a warm house
3. Thanks for a job that keeps me busy
4. Thanks for a loving husband
5. Thanks for a daughter that is magnificent
6. Thanks for a son that is so tender (who received the majority of my stressful licks) I will now have to mop up the damage I have done.
7. Thanks for parents who can still take care of themselves.
8. Thanks for enough money that I can cook a nice meal for them tonight.
9. Thanks for wonderful aide (partner during the day)
10. Thanks for my friend Flora (whom I must now call)
11. Thanks for all your wonderful stories that keep me coming back for more.
12. Thanks for the new day God!

Happy Heart's Day!

Fairey, I think it's all fair in love and politics!

Shepherd Fairey is being sued for his iconic poster since he used an Associated Press photo to make his statement. See the article: Art turns ugly in squabble over 'Hope.'

Isn't it just like people to argue over who should receive royalties off a man's face. I think Obama should sue both of them for trying to make money off his gaze. Let's face it, the photo would have probably been buried if Fairey had not brought it to the limelight. Who is to say that anything would have been paid to the photographer if Fairey had not made it accessible to a certain clientale.

Let's take the history of the automobile industry or even the computer. If we were to sue over every refinement of an original idea, then Albert Einstein would be the first trillionare.

Just random thoughts for Friday the 13th.