Raindrops keep fallin.....

Rain falls just in time. We have been facing an impending drought so the rain is very welcome. It is my shortcoming to look short term. I am constantly caught up in the immediacy of life that often I lack the long view. As the rain falls weeks in a row, I am forcing myself to take the long view and be thankful because the pain of a drought will undoubtedly last longer than a few weeks of rain. Now this is an easy and rather short long view. After all, the rain will be dry in no time and blossoms will abound by next week. I guess where I really get into trouble is when focusing on the long view in relationships, goals, and sobriety. I know that my teenagers will soon be out of their sassy phase and goals that I am stretching for will be within view within the year. But the sobriety, that seems like it will be forever before I see a payoff. I know that with sobriety comes a fuller engagement in life. But it also means facing character flaws head on. No longer can I hide behind the mask of being hung-over and tired. Now I know that the difficulties that I am having are more me than the residual effects of a toxin. When my brain refuses to act like a well oiled machine I begin to wonder if I have possibly done permanent damage by imbibing for the past 20 years. You know that warning about killing brain cells- it rings in my ears as I am having an off day.

So today I allowed myself to not get it just right, to be a little off. Then I came home to find some slice of the day that would be some sign of growth. "It's hard to face an ugly truth about yourself. I guess the only thing you can do is take positive steps." -Scrubs
I never thought I would be quoting a TV show, but there it was as I was clicking away. So as I write this down to serve as retrospect down the road, I am in effect taking a positive step. Rather than numb away the day, I am allowing some introspection and searching for a way to stretch and grow. It may just be a few drops of change, but it is change in the right direction, nonetheless.

Quote for Today

"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything,
but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do
the something I can do."
--Helen Keller (June 27, 1880 – June 1, 1968)

picture: http://d21c.com/sookietex/womens_history_helen_keller.jpg

Perception is Everything

http://www.crisisofcredit.com/

Bondage or Freedom

You are free, but your mind is trapped,
Trapped in vicious cycles of thinking patterns.
Your mind circulates around all that must be accomplished.
Going from one task to the next, always anticipating the freedom.
Yet your mind is never really free, free to fancy all that is happening.
Instead your thoughts swirl like the flushing toilet, never relishing the present.
You are free, but your mind is trapped.
Trapped in accomplishments and to-do lists.
Now imagine every chore a chance to let the mind take flight.
Your imagination embarking on the inventive pursuits you have been designed for.
Could we not set ourselves free as the slave did?
The slave's body in bondage, but the mind free.
Singing Gospels
Freeing the Spirit

Are you free or in bondage?

la Audacia de la Esperanza

What a blessing to be able to have some free time to read the experiences of another person that gives hope. When I think about my battles, they seem so sublime in comparison. In the first chapter and in the Prologue Obama speaks of the times that he could have given up hope, but he didn't. While running for U.S. Senate he would show up at churches, bridge groups, union halls, etc. only to have a few people there. Sometimes he would speak at the end of a union meeting that had already declared support for another candidate. That kind of blind faith is exactly what keeps me going. His life is a true inspiration to many Americans, having lost faith in this country. While I know some may find his political stances offensive, his faith can be held up without question. He believed and continues to believe that we are capable of more, not just as a nation, but as a species. When I start to go down that tunnel of despair and self-serving pity, I pull my head up and wonder what the day must be like for the person responsible for so much. Given we are in the worst economic times since the Depression, the way in which our current president continues to instill hope into this nation is electrifying. Obama's hope has gripped my mind and makes my journey seem like a piece of cake. My goal for this week is to find a way I can be of service to my community. It may be a small as offering free babysitting to a mom overwhelmed by the needs of her children. It may be running a team meeting for my son's baseball team. It may be finding greeters for church. It might mean making sure the teens in my children's lives have a fruitful week off from school. It may mean instead of thinking about the difficulties, focusing on the possibilities. While my service seems menial, it is what I can offer. I can only hope that what I do offer provides hope to someone else down the line. La Audacia de la Esperanza!


pictures: http://www.audioeditions.com/audio-book-images/The-Audacity-of-Hope-E5R409L.jpg
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3015/2338851042_49e90dc102_o.jpg

Post Valentine's Day Post

This card is just meant to be shared... Since the hubby did not so much as even get his valentine a card, he definitely deserved this one. Or maybe he did get his valentine a card. Maybe his iMac is the happy recipient of flowers and chocolates. Not too worry, after 19 years I'm sure Valentine's Day is getting a little old. He did take me out to my favorite coffee shop today, in the rain. He did go to church without resistance even though his hockey team was playing. He did do all the dishes after my disastrous cooking. And I am sure he will take it easy on me this week as I lounge around reading a book while he is slaving away at the brew kettle. Love the ups and downs of marriage. It just comes down to evaluating our expectations. If I expect to be thrilled, then I will be, no matter what. Everything is in the perception. So I am choosing to be thrilled. Like the card says, "Your are the wind beneath my wings."

Happy @#$%*^)# Valentine's Day

NOT to put a damper on anyone's day, but I have to put this into my journal. I woke up thrilled to finally have a day "off" after a very stressful week. My day "off" went into high gear as I realized the girl at the grocery store last night had not given us our $40 that we deducted from our account, the boy's diabetic friend needed food right away, the boy needed to go to the chiropractor, baseball practice, violin practice, my mom and dad are coming to celebrate birthdays (yes, plural), and the house looks like a disaster!

You're probably thinking: why aren't you cleaning instead of talking to the computer. Good point. But, I need a mind adjustment before I can even begin to tackle this house. Who is going to give it to me? My daughter! I came home from running the boy to all his destinations to find this note:

I understand you are stressed, but.....

if you let your stress dissolve and just know that everything will be okay you will:
1. be happier
2. make others less stressed
3. not get sick (stress has lead to becoming depressed and actually causes illness)
4. be safer (driving while stressed is know to cause accidents)
5. get more done (your mind can work on more stuff at one time because it's not being overloaded with stress)
6. have a better day
7. be able to entertain guests with joy and not "okay, okay, that 's nice, now I have to go" attitude.
8. not get unnecessary wrinkles, picture included


Now if these things don't sound appealing, then I suggest you get medicine for being crazy!

That was my Valentine's present from the girl! Number seven is a killer. It struck me right in the heart. Instead of being thankful for the time to visit, I was seeing it as a burden. This young lady is sure teaching me! So here I go, with an attitude adjustment:

1. Thanks for a loving family
2. Thanks for a warm house
3. Thanks for a job that keeps me busy
4. Thanks for a loving husband
5. Thanks for a daughter that is magnificent
6. Thanks for a son that is so tender (who received the majority of my stressful licks) I will now have to mop up the damage I have done.
7. Thanks for parents who can still take care of themselves.
8. Thanks for enough money that I can cook a nice meal for them tonight.
9. Thanks for wonderful aide (partner during the day)
10. Thanks for my friend Flora (whom I must now call)
11. Thanks for all your wonderful stories that keep me coming back for more.
12. Thanks for the new day God!

Happy Heart's Day!

Fairey, I think it's all fair in love and politics!

Shepherd Fairey is being sued for his iconic poster since he used an Associated Press photo to make his statement. See the article: Art turns ugly in squabble over 'Hope.'

Isn't it just like people to argue over who should receive royalties off a man's face. I think Obama should sue both of them for trying to make money off his gaze. Let's face it, the photo would have probably been buried if Fairey had not brought it to the limelight. Who is to say that anything would have been paid to the photographer if Fairey had not made it accessible to a certain clientale.

Let's take the history of the automobile industry or even the computer. If we were to sue over every refinement of an original idea, then Albert Einstein would be the first trillionare.

Just random thoughts for Friday the 13th.

CANDY!!!!

This is the sweet of my day. I was buying candy for my kids for Valentine's Day and was pleasantly rewarded by the complete absence of guilt. As I ran into people at the grocery, I was able to look them in the eye and not be fidgety due to overwhelming guilt. I did not need to hide a bottle of wine beside the loaf of bread. I was completely at ease. So at ease, that when the guy behind me struck up a conversation about my Energy drinks and his Zinfandel, I just relaxed into the moment. I could enjoy his enthusiasm for his "Old Vines" Zin, while he told me he sold the energy drinks I was buying. I told him I used to work at a winery where Zin was their trademark. I thanked him for the tip on the Zin and went on my merry way. Five hours later, I am still plunking away at my day. I have accomplished what I wanted to get done.

During the last few years I was hardly able to make to 9:00. What time I did put into the night was not worth a hill of candy hearts. Now my cup overfloweth with them. Everyday is a reassurance that I made the right choice. Although I still second guess my decision. "Maybe I just needed a break." I know this is so not true after reading soberwomanofgod-"Relapse." Distance makes the heart grow weaker. I will keep these candy hearts around to remind me that there are blessings to living sober....


Just for grins, read another addiction: LeVar Burton's "To Quit is to Win."
You may remember LeVar from Roots, Reading Rainbow, or Star Trek. I stumbled onto his blog via Twitter. Oh, the fun of the internet. I would have totally missed out on this had I picked up that bottle of Zin.

Let's hear it for the Sweethearts!!!!!

Tag, you're it....

John tagged me@ Stop, Drop, Recover.blogspot.com, for a meme:

A meme (pronounced /miːm/ - like theme) comprises a unit or element of cultural ideas, symbols or practices; such units or elements transmit from one mind to another through speech, gestures, rituals, or other imitable phenomena. The etymology of the term relates to the Greek word mimema for mimic. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme

A. Attached or single?
attached

B. Best friend?
My hubby

C. Cake or pie?
Pie

D. Day of Choice?
Friday

E. Essential Item?
My laptop

F. Favorite color?
yellow

G. Gummy bears or worms?
"same stuff, different shape" (I agree with John here)

H. Hometown?
Ft. Collins, CO

I. Favorite indulgence?
epresso con pana (whipped cream)

J. January or July?
July

K. Kids? Yes, 1 daughter, 1 son

L. Life isn’t complete without?
love

M. Marriage date?
9/7/90

N. Number of magazine subscriptions?
2

O. Orange or apple?
Apple

P. Phobias?
parallel parking on a hill (like in San Francisco)

Q. Quotes?
"Blessed are the flexible, for they will not be bent out of shape."

R. Reasons to smile?
my family

S. Season of choice?
summer

T. Tag 5 people
mysticallyenhanced.blogspot.com
fishstyx08.blogspot.com
deafscreams.blogspot.com
soberwomanofgod.blogspot.com
christianchickblog.blogspot.com

U. Unknown fact about me?
I skinny dipped at the lake by the Palace of Fine Arts.

V. Vegetable?
lettuce

W. Worst habit?
coffee

X. X-ray or ultrasound?
ultrasound

Y. Your favorite food(s)?
fondue

Z. Zodiac sign Virgo

Picture: www.juleebug.com

Did anyone catch Obama's press conference?

Love this Guy

Shine On Baby

This blogging thing has landed me a new job. I am now my husband's "Webmaster."
Spending time exploring new talents has been a great deterrent to my drinking. I am so grateful not to be numb and dumb.

It's amazing how many doors are opening since I closed the door to alcohol. The light is shining in and flooding the dark recesses of my mind. I am amazed at the many things I was missing out on. Reading blogs has been a great enlightenment. Finding time to read is refreshing. Watching movie after movie is good fun (by the way Thank you for smoking is hi-larious!-just got done watching it).

Continually recording the benefits of sobriety are helping me stay there.
I feel compelled to list my thanksgivings.

1. The ability to teach: I tested students today (Saturday) and didn't even feel like I was working. My job is such a blessing.

2. My daughter who is maturing so nicely (She was hell on wheels between the ages 3 and 13).

3. My son who is a mama's boy and is learning to push away, but still has hugs for his mom.

4. My hubby who continues to make me giggle even after 19 years.

5. Parents that keep in touch with my heart.

6. A roof over my head-many are losing their homes right now.

7. Friends like Flora: She is a such a gem.

8. Good health: I am still capable of doing the hard rides (bike) that give my heart flight.

9. Good food: We had a wonderful pre-Valentine's dinner with our daughter tonight. The presentation of each dish was like eye candy and the vegetables were so fresh!

10. Two canine companions that drive us nuts with their barking, but their antics keep us laughing.

11. Rain-we need it!

12. Sunshine on my shoulders (makes me happy and my hubby too). His new business has brought back the man that I married. Thanks be to God!

Drama

This must be the mantra of the teenager. The boy is up to more shenanigans. Did I really believe that I would get away with just one incident? E-gads! This one is a little more private (guess why). So I can't get into much detail. All I can say is that I am so glad that I am not sleepwalking through my day as a functioning alcoholic. Once more the blessings of sobriety allow me to be fully present in not only my life, but in my loved ones' as well. So I am truly savoring each moment, even through my tears. In fact, the sense of recovery helps me to see with a broader perspective. I know the pain will pass just as the joy did. We are empty clay vessels, with emotions and experiences filling the spaces. As the events fill my vessel, I start to see the myriad of emotions as a rainbow of colors. Oh, how poetic....Anyway, I am feeling much like a Drama Queen. Since I cannot "Save my Drama for my Mama," I spew it out here. :-]

Change me on the inside....

Change Your Thinking

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.

His bed was next to the room's only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their
involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.


Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.

He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'

Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own
situations.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money
can't buy.

'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.'

picture: http://gilad.deviantart.com/art/Change-6759895