My new year begins and I am ever so grateful that I have ended a preoccupation with the bottle and infatuation. Vowel Town is a new project that is keeping me focused on moving forward. I have always wanted to master the science of teaching first graders how to decode our complicated system of letters and word making. Imagine learning a new language with 26 symbols of sound, but not always do the letters make the same sound. Sometimes a letter will combine with another letter to make a new sound. Also, a letter will change its sound because another letter is next to it. Consider the word cycle. Why does the c make the k sound and the s sound? It's all because of the y. There are so many rules to the English language and exceptions to the rule. Therefore, I have set out to see if I can possibly devise an App (Application) to help our little ones master the mystery of our language. Let's see if I can start a new beginning.
I ride on this mountain every chance I get and pass by a bar that I used to visit. As I pass by on my way to the mountain, I look at this place as a prison. The horrible stench still lingers in my mind. The darkness and emptiness is devastating. I always want to yell out to the early morning revelers to break out of this prison. If I could just get one to break out of the shackles... So today as I passed on my way home I rode by the door and shouted, "Break out of that prison." I realize that this self-righteous act will not have the epiphany effect that I am hoping to affect. Still, I am compelled to continue on my crusade. Is this wrong?
Milestones are markers along the journey that help us to see how far we have come and how far we have left to go. While the obvious milestone above is about 30 days away, another passed before my eyes today. My history book seems a little more complete tonight as I watched loved ones in my family send off the matriarch of the clan. She didn't rule with an iron fist, but rather with a silk tongue. Every little utterance came with such love, which is what brought me to God. It has not been the years sitting in the pews, but rather her unconditional acceptance that has taught me faith. She did not complain when syrup was not around, but took brown sugar out and added water and said there with a smile. Grandma you will linger in my heart like the sweet taste of that "syrup."
I missed an opportunity today to reach out to my cousin. We came out of the mortuary and all I could think about was the pain my dad was feeling. My cousin stood there across from the well known triangle with the circle in it and said "I could go to a meeting right now." Unable to meet his eyes, I stumbled for the car, unable to handle my own emotions. Opportunity lost! Should you read this Cuz, please know that my heart was trying to reach yours, but I'm still so green at all of this. I am carving out the stoicism (translated-hardened heart) day by day. Please forgive me for not being able to see through your eyes at that moment. I did just as I sat down in the car, but the moment was lost. Life is like that-so much gained or lost in one fleeting moment. It is you reaching out to me in this journey of sobriety that has me looking up to you. Thank you for being such a model of love and genuineness! And thank you for my two year chip-another marker on the road, still so far yet to go......
When you thought I wasn't paying attention,
You taught me my ABCs and I learned to be a teacher.
You took care of Grandma and I learned to take care of my family.
You stood by Dad and I learned marriage is forever.
You said, "To each his own" and I learned everyone must live their own lives.
You loved me no matter what and I learned what love is.
The trip to Stockton to eat at the Spaghetti Factory will be the best memory of Mother's Day! Little did I know that once I let go and look for the God in every situation, it appears.
My cup is overflowing with the blessings in my life. Thanks be to God!
During my Lenten journey I couldn't help but be the Doubting Thomas. I asked, "God if you could whip up any creation that your heart desired, then why did you make us with all these imperfections?" I especially wanted to know why we had to be given the susceptibility to addictions. I know that as a parent I would not let my two year old go into the street because the chance of being killed was too great. Doesn't God want to protect us from those situations that will kill us? Or does He want to give us the choice? "Go ahead and try it, but I am warning you that it might kill you." Do we say that to our children? Go ahead and walk in the street, but you might get hurt. No! We keep them from the street at all costs. My heart was particularly saddened when reading the newspaper about a man from our area abusing a 13 month old baby. Is this type of sin really necessary just for the sake of choice?
Then I come full circle and try to make sense of senselessness-with not much avail. What I did stumble on is this: My darkest days as a child were kept alight with the sound of cooing doves. Now the sound of doves cooing makes my heart leap out of my chest. Had the sound not been alongside the backdrop of bleak days, would I have ever heard the peaceful cooing? Probably not. Thanks to the absence of peace, the birds came to life in my awareness. The German philosopher, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, believed that in order to realize the thesis of something, we had to know the antithesis. In other words, it is in the absence of God that we realize the existence of God. Of all my studies in political science, this is the one thought that has stuck with me most. So I guess I can reconcile all the lack of God in the human spirit when I focus on the presence of God in mankind. I am finding this apparent in the book Three Cups of Tea. A mountain climber tackles the biggest mountain when he starts building schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan. Rather than being overwhelmed by the daunting tasks, he just puts one foot in front of the other. This gives me profound hope that we can conquer the evil that lurks in each of us and on the planet. So I may not be quite as convinced as the 11 disciples of Jesus, but I at least am coming to believe as Thomas did.
In this final week of the Lenten journey I am eternally grateful for the blessings in my life. As I gain depth with each year, I am ever so amazed and remiss that I was in the dark for so long. I could get down on myself (counterproductive), instead I just take comfort knowing that another opportunity, God willing, will come again next year. I have read fellow travelers' experiences and start to feel sad that I did not reach their level of understanding. Then I remind myself that I too one day may experience what they have reached. It becomes a beacon for me. Sort of like when you just join a gym and can't help to admire the firm flesh as your own jiggles like jelly. If I focused on the jelly, I would not have continued to work out and make the progress that I have made. Getting rid of spiritual fat each year is quite a struggle, but well worth the effort. So as we have entered Holy Week, I ask God to grant me the understanding and forgiveness that will bring me closer to what Diamonds in the Sky with Lucy has so eloquently said in her post Wild Angels.
It has been here all along-the guiding light I have been looking for. Hubby's business is springing into action now that the rain has gone away. Yippee! It allows us to have a sense of progress, an opportunity to work together, and an example for the kids to follow. Even if this business stays small potatoes, at least it is a venture. That is all one can ask for. Step by step I am watching the transformation of not only my husband, but my children as they see that one can take an idea and make it a reality. This dream is just a glimmer at this point, but continues to gain momentum. As we head into the second year of this business venture, I can't help but think that it is more than business. It is a light for my family to focus on.
See this lighthouse....it is supposed to be a guiding light, a warning, a gatekeeper. Yet the light is not working. I am the lighthouse in this picture=broken and unable to guide this young lady as she goes through the rough waters of teenage angst. She is trying to manage so much and needs me to help her avoid the rocks that lie hidden in the deep murky waters. Yet my light is not helping. I am only guiding her ship into the waves that will throw her upon those rocks. God help me.
That is all I know right now. God help me. Why can't I get it right. I quit drinking, I lost weight to get healthy, I have prayed. God I pray. Yet I am no help. I need my own lighthouse, as I hit the rocks in my life. I know marriage is full of its ups and downs. I know I am blessed beyond belief. Help me to keep perspective and get this ship on course.
Angels poured out their love today. My cousin's daughter was awaiting a prognosis on a tumor found in her abdomen. Thank God the results were benign!
This family has endured so much that I cannot imagine that they would have to face any more calamity for the rest of their lives. I am in awe of their faith and fortitude. I only can hope that I can keep their strength in mind when I start quibbling about the mundane in my life. I should be so lucky that my life lacks drama.
It makes no sense how some people can give so much to life and yet life keeps offering profound challenges to them anyway. I am thankful that this trial will be a quick one for my cousin and his beautiful family.
May angels surround little Katie's bedside and offer her peace and happiness as she goes through the final procedures of removing her tumor.
