Let the next year begin...

So here it is: one year of finding alternative ways to foster joy in my life. I thought the joy that came from a bottle could never be out done, but I was wrong. I have experienced a brand new sense of joy. Now I look for joy in every situation, down to the flat tire on my daughter's new bike. At times my joy is far beyond my dreams and other times I am wondering "what is the point?"


The first year in sobriety is like the first year in parenthood. You have a party to celebrate that you made it through that initial year. It's not really a party for the child as it is a party for the parents. Sure you invite kids to the party. But really, who is celebrating? The parents. This is true for my first year of sobriety. My family is so excited for me. Yet, I know I have just begun. I certainly don't want them to make a big deal of it. To me it is like congratulating a teenager for not doing drugs. Big deal. We want to honor true accomplishments such as volunteer efforts, good grades, wise choices. This is what I want to be honored for-my potential reached. I feel like I have just begun to make use of my abilities.

So as I just begin this first phase of my new life, I am going to list my blessings and goals.

Blessings:

1. A husband that supports my endeavors
2. Two beautiful children despite their teenage attitudes
3. A job that feels like play
4. A home to rest and find peace
5. Workouts
6. Bike rides
7. My pooches
8. Espresso con pana
9. Freedom
10. God's grace

Goals:

1. Friday activities that rejuvenate
2. Weekly bike rides
3. More volunteer work
4. More family time
5. More time for reading
6. Meditate
7. Laugh more
8. Listen more
9. Make time for friends
10. Find means to diminish depression

While I have not attended more than three AA meetings in the first year of my sobriety, I do not rule it out as a resource. I have been fortunate enough to find resources on the web, but there is nothing like meeting face to face with others trying to fight the same battle. The battle that is present for me now is depression. I know that much of it has to do with the lack of dopamine. That was the draw of alcohol in the first place. It placated my starving nerve receptors. Unfortunately, the body is so adaptable that the more one drinks, the more receptors the brain creates to handle the alcohol. So now I am stuck with even more receptors and still lacking levels of dopamine. Working toward alternative means to create the sensation of dopamine is quite a struggle. Monday nights I work out for two hours to create a feeling of euphoria. Friday nights I just resign to my bed. Now that it is summer, I am not exhausted enough to fall into bed when my brain feels the need to leisure. This is the problem. I do not know how to enjoy leisure time. The only time that I really can relax is when I am at the beach. With nowhere to go and nothing to clean, I finally fall into the reading/nap mode. I wish to find that kind of feeling in my own home. I could do it with a glass of wine (I mean a bottle). Now I have to find the alternative ways to achieve that euphoria. Hence the abundance of exercise on my list of goals. I think it is the best way to get to that relaxed sense of well being.

Also, I always felt so grateful when drinking. Now I have trouble getting that sense. I know what I should be grateful for, but lack the actual feeling. It's kind of like being book smart and having no gut sense. I suppose with time the sense of well being will come more often. There are times that I feel rapture and enlightenment. I just want them to come more often. As I delve deeper into meditation, I hope to reach these states of gratitude and enlightenment with more regularity. So here is to the next year of living life out of the shackles of addiction and stretching toward my full potential.