Keep Truckin'

Keep on keepin' on. I am seeing an evolutionary process in my growth. While I am in the infancy, it is relatively easy to maintain my sobriety. However, as time wanes on, how will I experience the rise and growth that I have right now? What will keep this fresh so my brain will crave sober experiences over the inebriated ones? I know this is a struggle for most alcoholics and will be a problem for me too. I also know that service to others is supposed to be a key in this. So what will be my service? I am already maxed out most days. That was the very reason I drank. It was a quick release. I could maintain my busy schedule and the wine gave me something to look forward to. It would soothe immediately, with no effort. So what will be the flip side of this new life?

Picture: http://www.kolumbus.fi/j.sahlberg/images/keep_on_truckin.jpg

Maverick

A big thank you to Kathy @ gospodipomiluj
for helping me to see that expressing myself in a journal is healthy and probably necessary to maintain my sobriety. What I know is I look at life differently since starting to blog. Events throughout the day take on a sort of comic flare. I can laugh at situations and give them a bird's eye view since I look at them with reporter's eyes.

So reporting today's event:

I was called a Maverick. I didn't know whether to feel insulted or flattered. My co-workers think the spelling program I have devised with my partner teacher makes us mavericks. In a Catholic school, this could be a dirty word. However, I think I will take it as a word of encouragement.

mav-e-rick, noun
1. an unorthodox, or independent minded person; a free thinking person. A person who refuses to conform to a particular party or group.

2. an unbranded calf or yearling.

One definition that is not in the dictionary is the term used for mammoth waves occurring in Northern California.

Another definition not listed in the dictionary is a 72 year old Republican presidential candidate.

So imagine the myriad of perceptions that swirled through my mind when I was called a maverick.

Yet let us not forget that Jesus was a maverick. Our Founding Fathers were considered mavericks. So I guess I can choose to accept the term as a complement, rather than an insult. Ah, the fun in looking at life with a bird's eye view. Without the blogging or journaling I don't think I would have come to this realization. Just one more blessing that has come out of my alcoholism.

Picture: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.hulala.co.nz/images/mavericks.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.hulala.co.nz/&usg=__KuREe9bA6XktLbD58xExIxIJCe4=&h=475&w=405&sz=13&hl=en&start=30&um=1&tbnid=wAFkZIwiDgcnQM:&tbnh=129&tbnw=110&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dmavericks%26start%3D20%26ndsp%3D20%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DN

The Saga Continues

The saga continues....My boy tickled me today. I asked about the girls at school and he said one of them apologized for "getting him into trouble." He told her they had all made mistakes. What a blessing in disguise. He was able to see both approaches in a time of difficulty. The girl who had brought the alcohol ignored him (thank God). He could see the pain this girl is carrying around. I hope he remembers. Another blessing is he has found after school activities other than X-box. He is in between sports and has taken to the habit of gaming on week nights. This latest event made eliminating his gaming a natural. It's a good thing baseball is about to start. Once his 30 day hiatus is up, he should be so busy with practices and games, he can return to a once, maybe twice a week game time.

I know of grown men that meet friends for gaming night. This is probably a good idea since some can get so wrapped up in it that it can take the place of real relationships. So now my boy can get some practice at limiting himself.

Oooo, this is starting to sting. Am I doing the same with my online journal? Am I missing out on friend time so I can be here? Have I found a new addiction? Addictive personalities are just that, addictive. So I struggle with my desire to be here (because this is fun and cathartic) when I know that I also have the need to be reaching out to the community around me. I am taking this one day at a time. After all, I do volunteer at my church. I do put in long hours at work. I spend time with my children. Don't I deserve some "me time." Wow does this sound like the alcoholic in me talking.

Any thoughts?

SAGA picture: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://saga.wikidot.com/local--files/start/saga.png&imgrefurl=http://saga.wikidot.com/&usg=__vZ-UKU3GZwr-gyJezVBcJbGFGSw=&h=512&w=800&sz=204&hl=en&start=1&um=1&tbnid=4FbpxYVb9i175M:&tbnh=92&tbnw=143&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsaga%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DN

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

Ox: 1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009 Ox people are easy going and have a great deal of self-assurance that helps help them to be successful. Ox people have thoughtful responses. Ox people love deeply and share their strength with those they love.


Rather than being an arm chair quarterback (teacher), I ran to the Chinese market to get some items for my class for the New Year. What a great experience! Lion Market had some of the best produce I have seen in the valley. Bags of bok choy that were so crispy. Green beans that didn't have the usual black spots on them. And of course so many other items that I didn't recognize. The meat/fish counter was like no other. Fresh crab in tanks, octopus, fresh smelts, you name it, and some things I couldn't name. The sauce aisle left me dazed and confused. I came out with two sauces for the night's dinner. Steamed buns, fresh chow mein noodles. My head was swimming. How would I know what to choose. Add to this, I felt as though I had stepped out of the country momentarily. I stood out like a sore thumb with my mouth gaping open. Now this was a remedy for the malady that had been plaguing me all day.

That was short lived. I fell back into the funk as soon as I returned home. It is time for some sunshine!!!!! I don't know how the Alaskans do it. This dark dreary weather is getting to me. Bring on the dragons and the valentines!



Pictures:
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.hotelsbycity.net/blog/usa/nevada/las-vegas/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/chinese-new-year.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.hotelsbycity.net/blog/usa_nevada_las-vegas/category/attractions/&usg=__6Lpz7Gngcw_sRj2ZtXtx_w6ZAsg=&h=2848&w=4256&sz=484&hl=en&start=3&um=1&tbnid=9rEKkQAtuvlH9M:&tbnh=100&tbnw=150&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dchinese%2Bnew%2Byear%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DN



http://china.mrdonn.org/zodiac.html

New Resolve

I came home from church today to find my son still asleep and my husband on a bike ride. I still had lesson plans to write, but I took a deep breath and started in at motivating the boy under house arrest to get some air. We headed for the gym after much prodding. I had to prod myself as much as him. Once we got there it was a breeze. It really is just getting there and the first two minutes that make working out a tough habit to start. It is almost as bad as starting the habit of flossing.

What I do know about the brain is that low dopamine levels causes depression and can lead to alcohol/drug abuse. The mind is so clever and searches out ways to calibrate deficiencies. While alcohol works in the short term, it actually causes the brain to crave more dopamine. Because our bodies are incredibly adaptive, if you give the system more than it can handle it learns to adapt. Therefore, your brain creates more receptors screaming MORE, MORE, MORE. This is an inevitable and vicious cycle, once it gets started. So this is the information I share with my boy. I also let him know that when I get the case of the blues I have two fixes: the gym and the coffee shop. Of course the effects of the gym last longer and don't lead to a crash (like caffiene), but not always can we get to the gym. My new resolve is to get to the gym more often and drag that boy with me. Perhaps I can get him hooked.

By the way, I am supposed to be working right now. Maybe I will have to go to Bloggers Anonymous....

The Light Ahead

Today I make my way without much of a rudder in the water. I just let my desires take me the whole day. Running to stores to pick up birthday gifts, having long phone conversations, and blogging once again. I have plenty of work to do, but I am secure in letting it go. As I sit beside my son here on the couch, I think what a blessing his recent mistake is. We are learning so much about each other as a family. We are very close and spend every weekend together. I kid my children about running a youth hostel. We are usually hosting anywhere from 1-4 additional teens in our home each weekend. Our mornings are full of energy and laughter as we flip pancakes and fry sausage for the hungry tummies. The living room is full of foam mats and sleeping bags. We have been blessed to have these moments.

As we enter a new phase in parenthood such as last night and driving (arghhh), I am sure I will have to let go more and more. I will have to trust that the morals we have been trying to instill in the last 15 years will take over. While my son assures me that he did not take a drink last night, I know he is capable of more. He could have told those girls that he was not going to be part of them hurting their bodies, but he didn't. I could have done a lot of things differently in my life, but I didn't.

I know there still may be further repercussions for this mishap. The parents of the girls still have yet to have their say. So as we head through the days ahead, I look for the light amongst the clouds. What I know is that one of the motivating factors for stopping my love affair with alcohol, is that kids don't watch what you say. They watch what you do. Imagine walking into that security office with a buzz on. Ick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep remembering.

Picture: http://nightpisces.deviantart.com/art/Pandora-Point-66347111

Turning Point

Do you remember these days? Running free and invincible...It is a scary time however, being a teenager. I tell my kids that this time is like jumping from one island to the next. The trick is not to fall in the water. The key is to remember that when you do fall in the water that you call on God for a lifeline. Tonight I got to test this theory. My thirteen year old was caught atop the roof of the mall with his two (girl) friends and two Coronas. My husband had dropped him off (now a bad idea) at the mall with the girls to watch an early movie. We got the call at 6:00 by security to come down to pick up our son.

When I entered that office I wanted to shake all three and tell them they will end up lugging around skeletons in their closets with these kind of choices. I didn't shake them, but I did bust out with lecture #159. I have all these lectures composed in my head, being a frustrated writer. Then I felt like a fool as I said "Peace be with you." Everyone in that room knew that I did not mean it. I meant, "How dare you corrupt my son like that." What is occurring to me now is that those little girls are so thirsty for love and attention, that they make these choices. They are reaching out for the same thing that we are. They want to be heard. They want to be loved. I wish I could take back my lecture and tell those girls that they are loved. Well I can't. But I can tell my son that he can make mistakes. That is how we get to be who we are. I can tell him that we are a life line to grab onto when he falls in between the two islands. But most of all, I can tell him I love him. Boy am I glad I am sober tonight.....