Life is Rough

I am learning to relinquish to God. While I know my life's tribulations are trite, they are nonetheless my trials. I spent the day up in SF riding in the freezing cold wind. "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco ..." This is the truth! We had a blast anyway. My daughter finally stopped grumping and we had tea in the Japanese Tea Gardens. Next, we found a tantalizing little place to have a late lunch: Park Chow. It had a brick oven and the yummiest food (fennel soup and homemade bread for a BLTA). The "A" stands for Avocado-how California. Which reminds me of my first year in CA. I thought alfalfa sprouts, avocado, and wine pretty much summed up California, having come from Colorado, the land of beef. I would go to the grocery and get a can of tuna, a ripe avocado, sprouts, whole wheat bread, and a bottle of white zin. I would fix myself the most delectable California lunch and sit in the California sun thinking I had arrived in heaven. That is how the love affair began....The bottle and I were friends since the friend that had moved out to the Golden State with me had gone back to the Midwest. I decided to stay since I had started to take root. I shared an apartment with two other girls and had a decent job. Eventually, I would take to going to "The City" on my own to dance in the clubs. I even would head to the beach and order lobster and a bottle of champagne all on my own. I was truly "grown up." Little did I know, that I was actually stunting my growth.

So yesterday as we ambled around the Haight after our delicious lunch, I wanted to shake the youth lounging on the street begging for money or plying for sympathy with sad little rubber ducks that they offered up for adoption at a buck a duck. One girl "adopting" out these rubber duckys had such gorgeous eyes she could easily rival the most famous eyes from National Geographic. I turned to my daughter and said "that girl has eyes that are only second to yours. She should not be on the street." I wanted to bottle up all my misery from my youth and show her that she is wasting time. Time is precious. Start living!!! She would not have heard me anymore than I would have heard warnings in my youth. So I pray that my daughter will see what I see and avoid some of the pitfalls of my life. Don't we all want that?! Yet we all must take our journeys and arrive at our own destinations. It is truly the events in my life that have brought me here today. I would never have had empathy for the youth in front of me if I didn't know the allure of alcohol. I turn it over and pray that they come out of it safely. I hope my own daughter has the wisdom now that took me 43 years to find. I know no matter how rough it gets, there is always worse. Imagine a grater for toilet paper!!!

I came back to check how close to one year of reality I am. In just 45 days I will have made my first real milestone. I still can't believe I had time to drink before. Now that I gave up drinking, it seems like I even have less time. I am trying to figure out how I got things done before. As my brain feels like it is constantly spinning, I am looking to emulate these monkeys. That was the appeal of the bottle. I could stop the thinking and march onward. It didn't occur to me all that I could be doing. Now the battle lies in how to calm myself down. These monkeys know the secret to living on earth. Enjoy the blessings all around. I bet this Japanese monkey had a rough day at the office. Running around pulling bananas off trees and starting a food fight must have pushed him to the limits. Thank God for the hot springs.

I thank God for the gym. I have engrossed myself in building a 6-pack instead of downing one. I have traded in the wine bottle for the vitamin water bottle. And I have traded in the size 12 dress for a size 10. Not all bad. Not all perfect either. Life still has its bumps. My car was broken into last Friday night and my computer was stolen. I spent all day Saturday replacing the window and computer (uploading files and software). I blew up at my boss for over reacting to a situation, and I canceled on an obligation, teaching my son to lie. Let's see, maybe getting sober is not all its cracked up to be. While I know I say this tongue in cheek, I often wonder if I was drinking to self-medicate to mask all my deficiencies. Duh!!!!!

So I will focus on my strengths and turn those weaknesses into blessings. Yes, we are given our weaknesses to realize our interdependence on others and God. Without them, there would be no need to reach out to our fellow human beings. So my weakness, my cross has brought me closer to those needing help from my strengths and vice-a-versa. So all is not for naught. Being an alcoholic ends up being a blessing. Imagine that!

Time to hit the tub. :D

Earth Day

Make sure to scroll down and pause playlist to stop music before playing the Earth Day video.

Ahhhh, the beach!

Yesterday was a great day taking in the waves and salty air as the kids made their beach sculpture. I am eternally grateful for all the blessings in my life. My kids are making my day and my life. They are great fun even with all their shenanigans. I couldn't ask for anything better! Thank God I woke up out of my drunken slumber in time to enjoy all of this.

Holy Week

It's Holy Week and now is the time for prayer. As I walk this path, keeping my eye on my own cross, I realize how fickle we humans can be.

I am faced with the supreme challenge of loving a friend whom I have worked so hard to sever the ties with. This friend was my drinking buddy, my hiking buddy, my working buddy. She even landed me my job, which is my passion. But things got toxic. Her husband is a mirror of me and my former self. It was just nine months ago to the day that he hit what looked like the bottom. It scared me so much that I started blubbering to my dad that I was not far behind. I could see myself in him. So I quit. He has since hit other depths and tonight is yet another. I know this because his daughter is my daughter's best friend. She has come to spend the night. I don't ask what has happened because I know. It is a beautiful spring night and the heart takes flight with a lovely glass of chardonnay on these nights. The heart soars to the heavens after a bottle. So now I dig for love for a friend that is suffering because of this substance which is supposed to be nectar of God. Why does this stuff have to exist?

This so called nectar is my cross. So here is the path that I must follow. I must realize that no matter how tantalizing that glass of wine is, I must not turn away from the cross. I must keep walking down that path toward a different kind of flight. The flight my heart takes when my child looks to me and says, "Thanks mom." The heavenly laughter from two children who are growing into fine young adults. The blessing of being able to be someone else's rock. These are the flights I must keep my eye on.

Also, I must try to love the friend that had been my best friend for nearly 25 years. I have to look past all the annoyances and find compassion in my heart for this woman who struggles for the same love as me.

Take the Plunge

Go ahead, take the plunge! Twitter directory. I have been having so much fun following the tweets of celebs, politicians, and news pundits. In fact it has become a new distraction for me. Friday nights used to be a nightmare, without my good ole friend named Chardonnay. Now I find friends all over the globe plunking away at less than 140 characters each in Twitterville. Usually, their tweets point to a particular Website that the "Twit" finds interesting. For example, Ashton Kutcher pointed to a site one night that highlighted genius children. I would not have picked Ashton Kutcher as someone to follow, but he is so prolific in the tweet universe, that he is a curiosity. Not to mention the fact, that he often references his wife: Demi Moore (who also happens to be in the Twit world). Before this advertisement goes any further, let me just say I have nothing to do with the inception of this verbal diarrhea. It just happens to be a distraction that keeps me from thinking about all my friends that are happily passing their weekend nights sipping on the elixer that once was my distraction.

So now I ask what am I trying to be distracted from? Frustrations in my life which I have no control maybe. Yes! I am trying to constantly control the universe, to no avail. No surprise! If I would just let go and trust God that everything works out in the end, then I could sit back and enjoy the ride instead of trying to throw a wrench into it. So now I am partaking in mindless Twitter to take my mind off anxieties that make me think drinking was not such a bad idea. Go ahead take the plunge, I dare you! It is afterall, where I found the above photo...


http://www.smashingmagazine.com/2008/11/16/beautiful-examples-of-tilt-shift-photography/

March Madness

It is like the last mile....that dark of the morning just before spring hits. The light that is about to take over our hearts is just around the corner, yet somehow I can't keep from creating wreckage along this final stretch. Relationships are strained in every corner of my universe. I am intent on completing tasks, not realizing the tasks are just a stage to bring me closer to fellow human beings. Just as I am thinking that these human beings are getting in my way, I realize that these are the people that are in the canoe with me as I am hitting the rapids. Instead of grabbing their oar and hitting them over the head, I should be patiently awaiting their contribution. It is after all, with each oar in the water that we make it through the rapids. So as I enter the final turn on this river, I will keep my hands on my own oar and dig deep into the water. I will resist the temptation of blaming those around me for my discontent. I know that this puts me in bondage. If the slaves could free their minds while in bondage, surely I can keep my mind my out of bondage since I am free. I am free from the bottle. It no longer creeps into my mind in the middle of the day. It no longer robs me of my retirement fund. It will not keep me up late at night, making swiss cheese out of my liver. It will not clog my arteries, keep me from the gym, stupefy my mind, desinigrate my judgment, and keep me from growing. Thanks be to God!