The event that is about to take place once again takes a lot of preparation. We are scurrying around gathering food and gifts for those we love and those we are trying to love. It is a call to action. Bring the light back to the darkening Earth. No easy feat....
Imagine the journey to Bethlehem. Long and isolated, the two lovers carried the best gift our world would receive. They simply just put one foot in front of the other. Surely, they looked up from their feet to see the bright light that led their way.
Is that not what we are supposed to do? Put one foot in front of the last and keep an eye out for the wonder along the way. I see it in the stores when a mom drops down to her knees to see the world from her son's perspective. It is apparent when the boxes full of toiletries and trinkets are shipped out to people half way around the world. My heart explodes everyday as I watch for the light in the darkness. I imagine it to be much like catching lightening bugs in a jar.
So as the serotonin levels drop as the sun hides its face, I remind myself depression is a natural part of the human experience. Depression gives us the opportunity to stop and reflect and take stock of all that is around us. The key is not to keep your head down on the ground, but lift up and see the light that is about to shine.
Thanks be to God!
I just read this amazing poem written by another blogger that has so inspired and moved me. He has captured a feeling that expresses exactly where I am at right now.
To put it in my own words would be a hatchet job so I will just have to say that crux of it for me is this: whilst we feel in control, we must always remember the mighty spirit, which is invisible to the eye, but ever so present, moves through our hearts and minds much the same way that the wind moves through this field.
My prayers are being answered each day. As I ask for the help in escaping a new prison, the keys are given freely. It seems I escape one prison, only to find myself locked in yet another. I guess this is what keeps me close to God. I know I can never do it alone. I must always reach out for the power of our Creator.
As I work through what seems like trivial troubles compared to those of others, I understand that I am not in control. The answer is blowing in the wind. My heart will continue to seek the Spirit, refusing to harden, reforming with each new release from self-imposed prisons, by the grace of God.
I have been praying about this to my mother-in-law. She passed away three Christmases ago and surely must be looking down at me with disgust. How I could abandon her son who is so loyal, such a good father, a loving husband, and devoted friend. It must make her roll over in her grave. Therefore, she is going to be my life preserver. Maureen will watch over me like a guardian angel and get me to pull my head out of the clouds (euphemism for out of my @$$) and see all the blessings in my life.
I must be thinking of her more often than not these days. For every time the power of those green eyes starts to overcome me, I will think of her. Hopefully, I can get past the lusting and back to the real loving. Loving a man that has seen me through thick and thin, drunk and sober, sanity and insanity. Yes, I must be insane not to value such a relationship and do everything in my power to save it. With the help of God all things are possible.
With a little luck, we can work this whole damn thing out....remember that Wings song? I heard it about a month ago while shopping at Big Lots. First you have to know Big Lots is an experience unto itself. It's basically a salvage store that hires ex-convicts. I have found some of the best deals in this Target meets the Salvation Army and yes they usually have a hip sound track playing. However, they were playing this blast from my past and I had to just stop and sing along. I was thrown back to my teenage years and all that love and angst that was oozing out of my pores came flooding back. I am reliving my teenage years right now. Given I didn't seem to leave those years fully mature, it is no surprise.
I have yet to make it past all those school girl yearnings that make you feel alive and crazy all at the same time. This explains my school girl crush. My skin feels like it is crawling and my heart is beating out of my chest. Sound familiar. It's exhilarating and frustrating all at once.
Add to this a lusty fragrance and I am nearly at my wit's end. So I give this some time. Let it wear off. With a little luck, I can work this whole damn thing out.
That's right...love kills. It kills my desire to do the job I love. It kills my marriage. It kills my relationship with my kids. Love makes me lose my entire sense of being. That's when lust is dressed up as love.
Love does not really kill. Love builds up and sustains. Love brings me close to the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. Love keeps me focused on the blessings in my life.
I finally got my head out of my @$$ and woke up to the reality: it is not getting what you want, but wanting what you get. I have a wonderful family and was willing to risk it all. For what? For some sort of conquest. Now I know that hormones will cloud my head and make me think my heart is talking. It's not my heart that is speaking, but rather a desire to be desired.
I have to admit, it is probably not going to be black and white. One day infatuated, the next disgusted. However, now I think I can manage to keep my mind on the job, rather than thinking up ways to run into the person enticing me.
This process has been gradual, which probably means that my reaction is rational rather than psychotic. Let's hope anyway.
Through this challenge I have been able to grow in my faith. I asked to have this resolved and my prayers have been answered. I have to say that the friend that I am so enamored with has been nothing but respectful. For this I am grateful. I was able to tell him I had a crush and he did not make me feel bad nor silly. I have a lot of respect for this person. In the end, I have gained self-respect through this walk.
Thanks be to God!
I am convinced we are all waiting for our king to start the rumpus in our lives-to give us that feeling of being alive. The wild rush that comes from teenage love is impossible to replicate. Yet we are all searching to capture that wild moment once again. See the character in the far right corner? That is me. Falling back into the total ecstasy of the rumpus. This is what is driving me right now. I feel like the guy in a mid-life crisis that needs to buy the Lamborghini to satisfy those urges once again. Wine used to placate those urges and give me the feeling of that rise every time a popped the cork. Now that it is nearly 18 months since I've touched a cork, I am looking to seize the feeling in other ways. I am falling for the slightest little attention that comes my way. I feel ravenous for love. Yet I know in my mind that this deep desire that I have must come from another source than what I am seeking. I am in touch with God everyday looking for a way to satisfy that hunger. So here is what I hear:
1. Bike rides give you that rush.
2. Awesome lessons where the kids really get it....Yeah!
3. Killer workouts and then walking out into the morning feel like heaven.
So take heart and let the Rumpus begin. Find those moments each day and forget the teenage love trap. We all love that exhilarating surge that comes from the limbic part of our brain. Harness that emotion and send it into all the right directions.
The event that is about to take place once again takes a lot of preparation. We are scurrying around gathering food and gifts for those we love and those we are trying to love. It is a call to action. Bring the light back to the darkening Earth. No easy feat....
