Rain falls just in time. We have been facing an impending drought so the rain is very welcome. It is my shortcoming to look short term. I am constantly caught up in the immediacy of life that often I lack the long view. As the rain falls weeks in a row, I am forcing myself to take the long view and be thankful because the pain of a drought will undoubtedly last longer than a few weeks of rain. Now this is an easy and rather short long view. After all, the rain will be dry in no time and blossoms will abound by next week. I guess where I really get into trouble is when focusing on the long view in relationships, goals, and sobriety. I know that my teenagers will soon be out of their sassy phase and goals that I am stretching for will be within view within the year. But the sobriety, that seems like it will be forever before I see a payoff. I know that with sobriety comes a fuller engagement in life. But it also means facing character flaws head on. No longer can I hide behind the mask of being hung-over and tired. Now I know that the difficulties that I am having are more me than the residual effects of a toxin. When my brain refuses to act like a well oiled machine I begin to wonder if I have possibly done permanent damage by imbibing for the past 20 years. You know that warning about killing brain cells- it rings in my ears as I am having an off day.So today I allowed myself to not get it just right, to be a little off. Then I came home to find some slice of the day that would be some sign of growth. "It's hard to face an ugly truth about yourself. I guess the only thing you can do is take positive steps." -Scrubs
I never thought I would be quoting a TV show, but there it was as I was clicking away. So as I write this down to serve as retrospect down the road, I am in effect taking a positive step. Rather than numb away the day, I am allowing some introspection and searching for a way to stretch and grow. It may just be a few drops of change, but it is change in the right direction, nonetheless.
2 comments:
I find my awareness of self is heightened tenfold when I take the time to introspect, really see myself. (Hugs)Indigo
Great post and it's so great to just have the off days sometime, that way you can just relax and breath through it, they don't last and it too shall pass...thank goodness. Thank you for the awareness.
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