Let the next year begin...

So here it is: one year of finding alternative ways to foster joy in my life. I thought the joy that came from a bottle could never be out done, but I was wrong. I have experienced a brand new sense of joy. Now I look for joy in every situation, down to the flat tire on my daughter's new bike. At times my joy is far beyond my dreams and other times I am wondering "what is the point?"


The first year in sobriety is like the first year in parenthood. You have a party to celebrate that you made it through that initial year. It's not really a party for the child as it is a party for the parents. Sure you invite kids to the party. But really, who is celebrating? The parents. This is true for my first year of sobriety. My family is so excited for me. Yet, I know I have just begun. I certainly don't want them to make a big deal of it. To me it is like congratulating a teenager for not doing drugs. Big deal. We want to honor true accomplishments such as volunteer efforts, good grades, wise choices. This is what I want to be honored for-my potential reached. I feel like I have just begun to make use of my abilities.

So as I just begin this first phase of my new life, I am going to list my blessings and goals.

Blessings:

1. A husband that supports my endeavors
2. Two beautiful children despite their teenage attitudes
3. A job that feels like play
4. A home to rest and find peace
5. Workouts
6. Bike rides
7. My pooches
8. Espresso con pana
9. Freedom
10. God's grace

Goals:

1. Friday activities that rejuvenate
2. Weekly bike rides
3. More volunteer work
4. More family time
5. More time for reading
6. Meditate
7. Laugh more
8. Listen more
9. Make time for friends
10. Find means to diminish depression

While I have not attended more than three AA meetings in the first year of my sobriety, I do not rule it out as a resource. I have been fortunate enough to find resources on the web, but there is nothing like meeting face to face with others trying to fight the same battle. The battle that is present for me now is depression. I know that much of it has to do with the lack of dopamine. That was the draw of alcohol in the first place. It placated my starving nerve receptors. Unfortunately, the body is so adaptable that the more one drinks, the more receptors the brain creates to handle the alcohol. So now I am stuck with even more receptors and still lacking levels of dopamine. Working toward alternative means to create the sensation of dopamine is quite a struggle. Monday nights I work out for two hours to create a feeling of euphoria. Friday nights I just resign to my bed. Now that it is summer, I am not exhausted enough to fall into bed when my brain feels the need to leisure. This is the problem. I do not know how to enjoy leisure time. The only time that I really can relax is when I am at the beach. With nowhere to go and nothing to clean, I finally fall into the reading/nap mode. I wish to find that kind of feeling in my own home. I could do it with a glass of wine (I mean a bottle). Now I have to find the alternative ways to achieve that euphoria. Hence the abundance of exercise on my list of goals. I think it is the best way to get to that relaxed sense of well being.

Also, I always felt so grateful when drinking. Now I have trouble getting that sense. I know what I should be grateful for, but lack the actual feeling. It's kind of like being book smart and having no gut sense. I suppose with time the sense of well being will come more often. There are times that I feel rapture and enlightenment. I just want them to come more often. As I delve deeper into meditation, I hope to reach these states of gratitude and enlightenment with more regularity. So here is to the next year of living life out of the shackles of addiction and stretching toward my full potential.

Independence and Innovation

The world may soon find out the full extent that the innovation of nuclear warheads could bring. Kim Jong II succeeded in testing his missiles on our celebration of Independence- Independence from the rule of the British monarchy. Now we have to fight for a new independence-Independence from the fear of a nuclear assault. Jong promises to make his threat of defeating the giant Goliath come true. I am on pins and needles as Obama goes to Russia to continue a pow wow with nations that could be garnered as allies against an unstable leader with nuclear capabilities on the horizon. To make matters worse, Israel has the go ahead to strike out at nuclear Iran, getting a pass from Saudi Arabia's airspace. It feels like an impending disaster is on the horizon. I was expecting to feel a sense of accomplishment on this near anniversary of my independence from alcohol. Instead I am trapped in an endless pursuit of news from the hotbed of our globe. I realize tensions in this region are centuries old and Armegeddon is a human fascination, but this somehow feels like a turning point in current involvement in the Middle East. My preoccupation could be the result of extra time on my hands due to summer vacation. Perhaps it is because my true interests are finally awakened after years of alcoholic slumber-I majored in political science. Or maybe things are getting a little intense right now...

Interesting article in the newspaper this morning about how the innovation of the Internet started in the US and therefore we still control a lot in the world, assuring some of our independence. But what happens as the internet becomes more of a tool of warfare and governments are required to control its realm? Does innovation equal greater independence? Can we stay ahead of the game and continue to create weapons of the virtual world? Already we have seen this be the case in the current struggle in Iran. It was in our country that server blocks were being averted so the communication could continue amongst the protestors in Iran.

We are in need of innovative thinking to keep above the fray. I practice this on a daily basis, even in the midst of Independence Day. Let me explain: we headed to the beach for the busiest day of the year. Why? Our teens are too old for the block party that has been a neighborhood tradition for a score (20 years). They invited friends and we packed the "Buttmobile" full of food, drinks (Vitamin water and tea), and the bbq grill. It was a leisurely drive through a less traveled road-we took the long way. On the way we saw plenty of field workers celebrating the day by bending over in the sun to pick the food we take for granted. This sure set the tone for appreciating all the ammenities that have been gained on the backs of our forefathers. We get to the beach and it is so packed we cannot find a place to park or even drop off our load. So we drive another hour to less populated beaches in search of a place to observe this day. At this point the driver is getting rather frustrated, so are the kids. I could only keep my mind on the boy that held a puppy in the fields as his only entertainment, as his parents worked all day. No bbqs for this young lad. Thank God innovation steps in as my husband starts to get snappy with me. We ended up back at our first stop and created a spot by parking perpendicular to cars in the usual parking spots. If only we had been so enlightened before. See, frustration blocks out possibilities. Next, we land on the beach with much effort and set up camp, tent included. Finally, we are ready to start our "celebration." However, the beach is being heavily patrolled, with every cooler being checked for alcohol and fireworks. The police, taking extra precautions, tell us we have to take down our tent because they can't see what is going on inside of the tents. Mind you, the beach looks like a tent city in a refugee camp. Innovation steps in again. My husband starts to get that angry look and I remind him of the parking spot. So he promptly works with me to create a wind shelter using the skeleton of the tent and the fly. It was a masterful exhibition of what has to be done, will be done. Imagine, if we were faced with making it work for the sake of survival, we would have found innovation on our side much quicker. Isn't this the case? We wait until we are forced to finding solutions before we go looking for them.

I was forced a year ago to find a solution to my dependence on alcohol. Now I wished I hadn't wasted so much time. I finally started to innovate and find new ways in my life to reach the HIGH. Now if I need to feel like I have drank a bottle of wine, I head to YOGA. If I need to have the comraderie of drinking buddies, I come here. If I need to laugh again and forget that the world may blow up one day, I sit here and blow off steam to you.It has occurred to me that these pages will be a good resource in years to come. So I have decided for my one year of sobriety to have these pages printed into a book. Yes, it is possible. Somebody has already innovated that. Innovation will equal independence- Independence from fear, frustration, and foes.

Snubbed!

Three guesses as to who is missing... You got it: Dr. Ahmadinejad! He calls himself a doctor, yet where is his PhD decorum now?! He was not invited to this private meeting with "Russia’s President Dmitry Medvedev, center, who greets Afghanistan’s president, Hamid Karzai, left, and Pakistan’s Asif Ali Zardari in June. He did not offer a private meeting to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad."
Let the world show with diplomacy that the doctor's tactics are outdated. His rhetoric is not current with the times. This despot is proud to announce Friday killings before Friday prayers. There are still public hangings taking place in Iran. Whether these people are convicted killers or protesters, it still reeks of barbarianism. People are hung under a street light in broad daylight, with onlookers taking photos using their phones.
The link above is rather disturbing, so beware. While this is no different than what took place in our own country in the south just sixty years ago, it is a new century and governments cannot lead using repression. Let the doctor wallow in isolation with his nuclear threats. It will do him no good if he can't sell his oil....

Stranger than Fiction

This is getting wackier by the minute. The above is a supposed Twitter site by the Iranian former president (still claiming to be the current president-i think he got the idea from bush). Usually, Twitter will disengage a site if someone is impersonating a celebrity or demigod. That is what happened to the third site below. It used to be the Ayatollah's Twitter site, but the comments were stripped and the site was disengaged. Now, here is the question: "Why haven't the sites of these two despots been deactivated?" Are they in fact using Twitter as a propaganda tool? If so, check out their tweets. They make for reading that is certainly stranger than fiction.

Goin' Green

Seems like wherever you go, it's goin' green. I went back up to SF to visit the new Academy of Sciences. This ecologically-aware building sports a "green" roof top and solar panels! Imagine: solar panels in SF. They never even see the sun in Golden Gate Park....Pretty funny how good the technology on this stuff is getting. They espouse that 20% of the power for the building is supplied by these solar panels. Amazing!

The experience was not all that I expected, it was more. It was a free day at the museum, which meant thousands upon thousands lined up on the never-ending sidewalk going through the park. We were lucky to be in the first 2000 so we got in the building after only a 45 minute wait. Once in, it was all a#@ and elbows. WE (the teenagers and I) bumped our way into two more 45 minute lines to obtain tickets for the Planetarium and Bug Show. Needless to say, the teens were not up to waiting three hours to get into the above shows that we waited in line just to get tickets. So we left. Of course before leaving, we marveled at the albino croc and gawked at the four story Rainforest in a bubble. We also saw the stuffed African animals that had not changed at all and laughed at the African penguins remodeling their habitat. These snapshots into the life around the world to educate us voyeuristic tourists, just do not satisfy the teenage mind. Can't say it was doing much for mine either.

So off we headed to Chinatown to get a cup of tea. The last time I had taken the kids to Chinatown the neighbor girl wanted to stop in for tea, but I said we should do it on our way back to the car since we had just eaten. They were closed when we finally made our round trip. Today I was determined to rekindle whatever fire was in that tea room for our neighbor, nearly family friend. However, today we could not find the tea shop. Again, it was a%$ and elbows, but this time it was authentic. You could smell the stinky fish. You could see the crisp bok choy and even buy some. It was a museum of the best kind. We wandered around finding filming crews shooting a movie, people living out their everyday lives, and a delectable candy shop. This is what I had come for: the magic of the day unfolding as I followed the lead of my teens. They are fantastic dates. I wish I could freeze time and keep them this age forever. Yet they are green and must grow. They must turn into the old yellow snakes like in the book Verdi by Janele Cannon.
The premise of the book is about a spunky python that never wants to turn out to be like the old yellows that only grumble and whine through their day. He tries everything to stay green. Yet nature takes its course and he ends up big and yellow like the rest. But he is not like the rest. He remains green inside. He maintains his spunk and vigor. I can only hope that I can remain green inside. That our nation can maintain this green fervor. May it not just be another fad.

So here's the real kicker: my daughter has been "green" since age five. She declared herself a vegetarian in Kindergarten. She has been eating quinoa and tofu since then. Right in the middle of Chinatown is a Veggie restaurant. Amidst all the fish eyes, fish balls, roasted ducks, and slabs of meat, a vegetarian restaurant. What a hoot!


So has the wave started? I just turned my Twitter avatar green in support of the Iranian Revolution. What else can I make green? My beer? No wait... I don't drink anymore. Seems as though the Irish have been ahead of us all with their green holiday: St. Patty's. Go fightin' Irish. You knew the Green Revolution was coming all along. Go figure.

Life is Rough

I am learning to relinquish to God. While I know my life's tribulations are trite, they are nonetheless my trials. I spent the day up in SF riding in the freezing cold wind. "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco ..." This is the truth! We had a blast anyway. My daughter finally stopped grumping and we had tea in the Japanese Tea Gardens. Next, we found a tantalizing little place to have a late lunch: Park Chow. It had a brick oven and the yummiest food (fennel soup and homemade bread for a BLTA). The "A" stands for Avocado-how California. Which reminds me of my first year in CA. I thought alfalfa sprouts, avocado, and wine pretty much summed up California, having come from Colorado, the land of beef. I would go to the grocery and get a can of tuna, a ripe avocado, sprouts, whole wheat bread, and a bottle of white zin. I would fix myself the most delectable California lunch and sit in the California sun thinking I had arrived in heaven. That is how the love affair began....The bottle and I were friends since the friend that had moved out to the Golden State with me had gone back to the Midwest. I decided to stay since I had started to take root. I shared an apartment with two other girls and had a decent job. Eventually, I would take to going to "The City" on my own to dance in the clubs. I even would head to the beach and order lobster and a bottle of champagne all on my own. I was truly "grown up." Little did I know, that I was actually stunting my growth.

So yesterday as we ambled around the Haight after our delicious lunch, I wanted to shake the youth lounging on the street begging for money or plying for sympathy with sad little rubber ducks that they offered up for adoption at a buck a duck. One girl "adopting" out these rubber duckys had such gorgeous eyes she could easily rival the most famous eyes from National Geographic. I turned to my daughter and said "that girl has eyes that are only second to yours. She should not be on the street." I wanted to bottle up all my misery from my youth and show her that she is wasting time. Time is precious. Start living!!! She would not have heard me anymore than I would have heard warnings in my youth. So I pray that my daughter will see what I see and avoid some of the pitfalls of my life. Don't we all want that?! Yet we all must take our journeys and arrive at our own destinations. It is truly the events in my life that have brought me here today. I would never have had empathy for the youth in front of me if I didn't know the allure of alcohol. I turn it over and pray that they come out of it safely. I hope my own daughter has the wisdom now that took me 43 years to find. I know no matter how rough it gets, there is always worse. Imagine a grater for toilet paper!!!

I came back to check how close to one year of reality I am. In just 45 days I will have made my first real milestone. I still can't believe I had time to drink before. Now that I gave up drinking, it seems like I even have less time. I am trying to figure out how I got things done before. As my brain feels like it is constantly spinning, I am looking to emulate these monkeys. That was the appeal of the bottle. I could stop the thinking and march onward. It didn't occur to me all that I could be doing. Now the battle lies in how to calm myself down. These monkeys know the secret to living on earth. Enjoy the blessings all around. I bet this Japanese monkey had a rough day at the office. Running around pulling bananas off trees and starting a food fight must have pushed him to the limits. Thank God for the hot springs.

I thank God for the gym. I have engrossed myself in building a 6-pack instead of downing one. I have traded in the wine bottle for the vitamin water bottle. And I have traded in the size 12 dress for a size 10. Not all bad. Not all perfect either. Life still has its bumps. My car was broken into last Friday night and my computer was stolen. I spent all day Saturday replacing the window and computer (uploading files and software). I blew up at my boss for over reacting to a situation, and I canceled on an obligation, teaching my son to lie. Let's see, maybe getting sober is not all its cracked up to be. While I know I say this tongue in cheek, I often wonder if I was drinking to self-medicate to mask all my deficiencies. Duh!!!!!

So I will focus on my strengths and turn those weaknesses into blessings. Yes, we are given our weaknesses to realize our interdependence on others and God. Without them, there would be no need to reach out to our fellow human beings. So my weakness, my cross has brought me closer to those needing help from my strengths and vice-a-versa. So all is not for naught. Being an alcoholic ends up being a blessing. Imagine that!

Time to hit the tub. :D