Friends

Friends are so part of our psyche and when friendships have to be put to the side to recover, it's painful!!!! I am now in a kind of no man's land with friends that remain a part of my life, but are at arm's length since I am now a non-drinker. One of these friends is my next door neighbor. Our kids have grown up together and their pictures are all over the refrigerator. We even have the gate in the middle of the fence so we can pass between backyards with ease. This gate was put in for the kids, but served our late night booze fests well. Now I am sober, we no longer spend long Friday nights discussing politics, books, and child rearing. I didn't realize how important this was to my life until last night. We have visited on rare occasion since my sobriety, but it is so awkward now. More awkward for them than me. In fact, it was a birthday of my neighbor's boyfriend that was the final drink I took. What is difficult for them is they have their own inner battles brought on by alcohol. The boyfriend covertly drinks because his father was an alcoholic and his mother has told him that he is doomed to this disease. Whether he is or not an alcoholic is beside the point. He feels a sense betrayal since he has promised his mom he will not drink. As for my friend she has a sweet demeanor and in no way considers her alcohol use problematic. Yet when Bloody Mary Sundays after a long weekend of drinking come around, I know I made the right choice. I never could be a part of these because I always felt I would be cheating my kids. She has always known my view of this and now that I have quit drinking, she probably thinks I hold them in disdain. Oh contrare. I am envious that she is able to continue on with the late Friday nights, the frivolous Saturdays, and the carefree Sundays. But each person must take up their own battle.

So here I go....another Friday night crash. I came home with the biggest headache due to the drama from work. Being surrounded by menopausal women is the sure fire way to become an alcoholic. It is like working on the island of Survivor. Each woman is trying to prove that her teaching can be held up under the scrutiny of our parents (parents who are paying good money for education in a downturn economy.) When our students start to show signs of distress, fellow teachers are quick to point their finger downhill. Of course first grade is where it all stops since Kindergarten does not fit into the required schooling component. My partner, another friend, thinks I was trying to back stab her when in fact it was the second grade teacher. So we spent our Friday night tweezing out the intricacies of the week. Arghhhhh! This is exactly the type of thing I was trying to forget when I would down a bottle of wine Friday night. It would wipe the slate clean and allow me to enter the next week with no memory of the last. However, having the responsibility of staying sober allowed for some growth that has never happened before. I looked at the friendship with my partner teacher who is sometimes a sister and sometimes a mom, and realized she is full of the same insecurities that I am. She is in search of the same peace that we all crave. I need to be able to prop her emotionally as I do my daughter. While I think my partner's age should give her the advantage, it doesn't. Sometimes we have accept help from those younger. And so it was for me last night, as my daughter tucked me into bed at 8:30 on a Friday night. She assured me tomorrow would be a new day. And it is.

Now I realize I am in search of new friends in my life of sobriety. It does not mean that the old friendships will die. It does mean however, that they are on temporary hold until I can get strong enough. Those of you in the blogosphere are helping me greatly in this endeavor. I feel like a recently divorcee looking to meet up with a new beau. I need venues that will help me find these friendships. I guess I will have to start checking out some AA meetings after all. I just have never been able to find one that fit. I will have to continue the search.

Just as a sidebar, I dreamt last night that my husband wanted a divorce. I must be feeling a sort of departure in my life. With a departure comes an arrival. So I wait anxiously for the new. My husband did assure me that we are stuck with each other. Thank God for this.

Thanks for friends past and present; they are a part of who I am today.

Thanks for friends that fill in the gaps of sister and mother.

Thanks for friends that I do not know face to face.

Thanks for friends that I have yet to meet.

Thanks for friends that temper my weaknesses and emphasize my strengths.

Thanks for friends at my workplace (my other home).

Thanks for friends of convenience; may I make life easy for them as well.

Thanks for friends that are willing to listen....

Thanks for my husband; he is my best friend.

Picture http://deadlycase.deviantart.com/art/Friends-75581135

Keep Truckin'

Keep on keepin' on. I am seeing an evolutionary process in my growth. While I am in the infancy, it is relatively easy to maintain my sobriety. However, as time wanes on, how will I experience the rise and growth that I have right now? What will keep this fresh so my brain will crave sober experiences over the inebriated ones? I know this is a struggle for most alcoholics and will be a problem for me too. I also know that service to others is supposed to be a key in this. So what will be my service? I am already maxed out most days. That was the very reason I drank. It was a quick release. I could maintain my busy schedule and the wine gave me something to look forward to. It would soothe immediately, with no effort. So what will be the flip side of this new life?

Picture: http://www.kolumbus.fi/j.sahlberg/images/keep_on_truckin.jpg

Maverick

A big thank you to Kathy @ gospodipomiluj
for helping me to see that expressing myself in a journal is healthy and probably necessary to maintain my sobriety. What I know is I look at life differently since starting to blog. Events throughout the day take on a sort of comic flare. I can laugh at situations and give them a bird's eye view since I look at them with reporter's eyes.

So reporting today's event:

I was called a Maverick. I didn't know whether to feel insulted or flattered. My co-workers think the spelling program I have devised with my partner teacher makes us mavericks. In a Catholic school, this could be a dirty word. However, I think I will take it as a word of encouragement.

mav-e-rick, noun
1. an unorthodox, or independent minded person; a free thinking person. A person who refuses to conform to a particular party or group.

2. an unbranded calf or yearling.

One definition that is not in the dictionary is the term used for mammoth waves occurring in Northern California.

Another definition not listed in the dictionary is a 72 year old Republican presidential candidate.

So imagine the myriad of perceptions that swirled through my mind when I was called a maverick.

Yet let us not forget that Jesus was a maverick. Our Founding Fathers were considered mavericks. So I guess I can choose to accept the term as a complement, rather than an insult. Ah, the fun in looking at life with a bird's eye view. Without the blogging or journaling I don't think I would have come to this realization. Just one more blessing that has come out of my alcoholism.

Picture: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.hulala.co.nz/images/mavericks.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.hulala.co.nz/&usg=__KuREe9bA6XktLbD58xExIxIJCe4=&h=475&w=405&sz=13&hl=en&start=30&um=1&tbnid=wAFkZIwiDgcnQM:&tbnh=129&tbnw=110&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dmavericks%26start%3D20%26ndsp%3D20%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DN

The Saga Continues

The saga continues....My boy tickled me today. I asked about the girls at school and he said one of them apologized for "getting him into trouble." He told her they had all made mistakes. What a blessing in disguise. He was able to see both approaches in a time of difficulty. The girl who had brought the alcohol ignored him (thank God). He could see the pain this girl is carrying around. I hope he remembers. Another blessing is he has found after school activities other than X-box. He is in between sports and has taken to the habit of gaming on week nights. This latest event made eliminating his gaming a natural. It's a good thing baseball is about to start. Once his 30 day hiatus is up, he should be so busy with practices and games, he can return to a once, maybe twice a week game time.

I know of grown men that meet friends for gaming night. This is probably a good idea since some can get so wrapped up in it that it can take the place of real relationships. So now my boy can get some practice at limiting himself.

Oooo, this is starting to sting. Am I doing the same with my online journal? Am I missing out on friend time so I can be here? Have I found a new addiction? Addictive personalities are just that, addictive. So I struggle with my desire to be here (because this is fun and cathartic) when I know that I also have the need to be reaching out to the community around me. I am taking this one day at a time. After all, I do volunteer at my church. I do put in long hours at work. I spend time with my children. Don't I deserve some "me time." Wow does this sound like the alcoholic in me talking.

Any thoughts?

SAGA picture: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://saga.wikidot.com/local--files/start/saga.png&imgrefurl=http://saga.wikidot.com/&usg=__vZ-UKU3GZwr-gyJezVBcJbGFGSw=&h=512&w=800&sz=204&hl=en&start=1&um=1&tbnid=4FbpxYVb9i175M:&tbnh=92&tbnw=143&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dsaga%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DN

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

Ox: 1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009 Ox people are easy going and have a great deal of self-assurance that helps help them to be successful. Ox people have thoughtful responses. Ox people love deeply and share their strength with those they love.


Rather than being an arm chair quarterback (teacher), I ran to the Chinese market to get some items for my class for the New Year. What a great experience! Lion Market had some of the best produce I have seen in the valley. Bags of bok choy that were so crispy. Green beans that didn't have the usual black spots on them. And of course so many other items that I didn't recognize. The meat/fish counter was like no other. Fresh crab in tanks, octopus, fresh smelts, you name it, and some things I couldn't name. The sauce aisle left me dazed and confused. I came out with two sauces for the night's dinner. Steamed buns, fresh chow mein noodles. My head was swimming. How would I know what to choose. Add to this, I felt as though I had stepped out of the country momentarily. I stood out like a sore thumb with my mouth gaping open. Now this was a remedy for the malady that had been plaguing me all day.

That was short lived. I fell back into the funk as soon as I returned home. It is time for some sunshine!!!!! I don't know how the Alaskans do it. This dark dreary weather is getting to me. Bring on the dragons and the valentines!



Pictures:
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.hotelsbycity.net/blog/usa/nevada/las-vegas/wp-content/uploads/2007/02/chinese-new-year.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.hotelsbycity.net/blog/usa_nevada_las-vegas/category/attractions/&usg=__6Lpz7Gngcw_sRj2ZtXtx_w6ZAsg=&h=2848&w=4256&sz=484&hl=en&start=3&um=1&tbnid=9rEKkQAtuvlH9M:&tbnh=100&tbnw=150&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dchinese%2Bnew%2Byear%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DN



http://china.mrdonn.org/zodiac.html

New Resolve

I came home from church today to find my son still asleep and my husband on a bike ride. I still had lesson plans to write, but I took a deep breath and started in at motivating the boy under house arrest to get some air. We headed for the gym after much prodding. I had to prod myself as much as him. Once we got there it was a breeze. It really is just getting there and the first two minutes that make working out a tough habit to start. It is almost as bad as starting the habit of flossing.

What I do know about the brain is that low dopamine levels causes depression and can lead to alcohol/drug abuse. The mind is so clever and searches out ways to calibrate deficiencies. While alcohol works in the short term, it actually causes the brain to crave more dopamine. Because our bodies are incredibly adaptive, if you give the system more than it can handle it learns to adapt. Therefore, your brain creates more receptors screaming MORE, MORE, MORE. This is an inevitable and vicious cycle, once it gets started. So this is the information I share with my boy. I also let him know that when I get the case of the blues I have two fixes: the gym and the coffee shop. Of course the effects of the gym last longer and don't lead to a crash (like caffiene), but not always can we get to the gym. My new resolve is to get to the gym more often and drag that boy with me. Perhaps I can get him hooked.

By the way, I am supposed to be working right now. Maybe I will have to go to Bloggers Anonymous....

The Light Ahead

Today I make my way without much of a rudder in the water. I just let my desires take me the whole day. Running to stores to pick up birthday gifts, having long phone conversations, and blogging once again. I have plenty of work to do, but I am secure in letting it go. As I sit beside my son here on the couch, I think what a blessing his recent mistake is. We are learning so much about each other as a family. We are very close and spend every weekend together. I kid my children about running a youth hostel. We are usually hosting anywhere from 1-4 additional teens in our home each weekend. Our mornings are full of energy and laughter as we flip pancakes and fry sausage for the hungry tummies. The living room is full of foam mats and sleeping bags. We have been blessed to have these moments.

As we enter a new phase in parenthood such as last night and driving (arghhh), I am sure I will have to let go more and more. I will have to trust that the morals we have been trying to instill in the last 15 years will take over. While my son assures me that he did not take a drink last night, I know he is capable of more. He could have told those girls that he was not going to be part of them hurting their bodies, but he didn't. I could have done a lot of things differently in my life, but I didn't.

I know there still may be further repercussions for this mishap. The parents of the girls still have yet to have their say. So as we head through the days ahead, I look for the light amongst the clouds. What I know is that one of the motivating factors for stopping my love affair with alcohol, is that kids don't watch what you say. They watch what you do. Imagine walking into that security office with a buzz on. Ick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep remembering.

Picture: http://nightpisces.deviantart.com/art/Pandora-Point-66347111