Friends

Friends are so part of our psyche and when friendships have to be put to the side to recover, it's painful!!!! I am now in a kind of no man's land with friends that remain a part of my life, but are at arm's length since I am now a non-drinker. One of these friends is my next door neighbor. Our kids have grown up together and their pictures are all over the refrigerator. We even have the gate in the middle of the fence so we can pass between backyards with ease. This gate was put in for the kids, but served our late night booze fests well. Now I am sober, we no longer spend long Friday nights discussing politics, books, and child rearing. I didn't realize how important this was to my life until last night. We have visited on rare occasion since my sobriety, but it is so awkward now. More awkward for them than me. In fact, it was a birthday of my neighbor's boyfriend that was the final drink I took. What is difficult for them is they have their own inner battles brought on by alcohol. The boyfriend covertly drinks because his father was an alcoholic and his mother has told him that he is doomed to this disease. Whether he is or not an alcoholic is beside the point. He feels a sense betrayal since he has promised his mom he will not drink. As for my friend she has a sweet demeanor and in no way considers her alcohol use problematic. Yet when Bloody Mary Sundays after a long weekend of drinking come around, I know I made the right choice. I never could be a part of these because I always felt I would be cheating my kids. She has always known my view of this and now that I have quit drinking, she probably thinks I hold them in disdain. Oh contrare. I am envious that she is able to continue on with the late Friday nights, the frivolous Saturdays, and the carefree Sundays. But each person must take up their own battle.

So here I go....another Friday night crash. I came home with the biggest headache due to the drama from work. Being surrounded by menopausal women is the sure fire way to become an alcoholic. It is like working on the island of Survivor. Each woman is trying to prove that her teaching can be held up under the scrutiny of our parents (parents who are paying good money for education in a downturn economy.) When our students start to show signs of distress, fellow teachers are quick to point their finger downhill. Of course first grade is where it all stops since Kindergarten does not fit into the required schooling component. My partner, another friend, thinks I was trying to back stab her when in fact it was the second grade teacher. So we spent our Friday night tweezing out the intricacies of the week. Arghhhhh! This is exactly the type of thing I was trying to forget when I would down a bottle of wine Friday night. It would wipe the slate clean and allow me to enter the next week with no memory of the last. However, having the responsibility of staying sober allowed for some growth that has never happened before. I looked at the friendship with my partner teacher who is sometimes a sister and sometimes a mom, and realized she is full of the same insecurities that I am. She is in search of the same peace that we all crave. I need to be able to prop her emotionally as I do my daughter. While I think my partner's age should give her the advantage, it doesn't. Sometimes we have accept help from those younger. And so it was for me last night, as my daughter tucked me into bed at 8:30 on a Friday night. She assured me tomorrow would be a new day. And it is.

Now I realize I am in search of new friends in my life of sobriety. It does not mean that the old friendships will die. It does mean however, that they are on temporary hold until I can get strong enough. Those of you in the blogosphere are helping me greatly in this endeavor. I feel like a recently divorcee looking to meet up with a new beau. I need venues that will help me find these friendships. I guess I will have to start checking out some AA meetings after all. I just have never been able to find one that fit. I will have to continue the search.

Just as a sidebar, I dreamt last night that my husband wanted a divorce. I must be feeling a sort of departure in my life. With a departure comes an arrival. So I wait anxiously for the new. My husband did assure me that we are stuck with each other. Thank God for this.

Thanks for friends past and present; they are a part of who I am today.

Thanks for friends that fill in the gaps of sister and mother.

Thanks for friends that I do not know face to face.

Thanks for friends that I have yet to meet.

Thanks for friends that temper my weaknesses and emphasize my strengths.

Thanks for friends at my workplace (my other home).

Thanks for friends of convenience; may I make life easy for them as well.

Thanks for friends that are willing to listen....

Thanks for my husband; he is my best friend.

Picture http://deadlycase.deviantart.com/art/Friends-75581135