CANDY!!!!

This is the sweet of my day. I was buying candy for my kids for Valentine's Day and was pleasantly rewarded by the complete absence of guilt. As I ran into people at the grocery, I was able to look them in the eye and not be fidgety due to overwhelming guilt. I did not need to hide a bottle of wine beside the loaf of bread. I was completely at ease. So at ease, that when the guy behind me struck up a conversation about my Energy drinks and his Zinfandel, I just relaxed into the moment. I could enjoy his enthusiasm for his "Old Vines" Zin, while he told me he sold the energy drinks I was buying. I told him I used to work at a winery where Zin was their trademark. I thanked him for the tip on the Zin and went on my merry way. Five hours later, I am still plunking away at my day. I have accomplished what I wanted to get done.

During the last few years I was hardly able to make to 9:00. What time I did put into the night was not worth a hill of candy hearts. Now my cup overfloweth with them. Everyday is a reassurance that I made the right choice. Although I still second guess my decision. "Maybe I just needed a break." I know this is so not true after reading soberwomanofgod-"Relapse." Distance makes the heart grow weaker. I will keep these candy hearts around to remind me that there are blessings to living sober....


Just for grins, read another addiction: LeVar Burton's "To Quit is to Win."
You may remember LeVar from Roots, Reading Rainbow, or Star Trek. I stumbled onto his blog via Twitter. Oh, the fun of the internet. I would have totally missed out on this had I picked up that bottle of Zin.

Let's hear it for the Sweethearts!!!!!

Tag, you're it....

John tagged me@ Stop, Drop, Recover.blogspot.com, for a meme:

A meme (pronounced /miːm/ - like theme) comprises a unit or element of cultural ideas, symbols or practices; such units or elements transmit from one mind to another through speech, gestures, rituals, or other imitable phenomena. The etymology of the term relates to the Greek word mimema for mimic. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme

A. Attached or single?
attached

B. Best friend?
My hubby

C. Cake or pie?
Pie

D. Day of Choice?
Friday

E. Essential Item?
My laptop

F. Favorite color?
yellow

G. Gummy bears or worms?
"same stuff, different shape" (I agree with John here)

H. Hometown?
Ft. Collins, CO

I. Favorite indulgence?
epresso con pana (whipped cream)

J. January or July?
July

K. Kids? Yes, 1 daughter, 1 son

L. Life isn’t complete without?
love

M. Marriage date?
9/7/90

N. Number of magazine subscriptions?
2

O. Orange or apple?
Apple

P. Phobias?
parallel parking on a hill (like in San Francisco)

Q. Quotes?
"Blessed are the flexible, for they will not be bent out of shape."

R. Reasons to smile?
my family

S. Season of choice?
summer

T. Tag 5 people
mysticallyenhanced.blogspot.com
fishstyx08.blogspot.com
deafscreams.blogspot.com
soberwomanofgod.blogspot.com
christianchickblog.blogspot.com

U. Unknown fact about me?
I skinny dipped at the lake by the Palace of Fine Arts.

V. Vegetable?
lettuce

W. Worst habit?
coffee

X. X-ray or ultrasound?
ultrasound

Y. Your favorite food(s)?
fondue

Z. Zodiac sign Virgo

Picture: www.juleebug.com

Did anyone catch Obama's press conference?

Love this Guy

Shine On Baby

This blogging thing has landed me a new job. I am now my husband's "Webmaster."
Spending time exploring new talents has been a great deterrent to my drinking. I am so grateful not to be numb and dumb.

It's amazing how many doors are opening since I closed the door to alcohol. The light is shining in and flooding the dark recesses of my mind. I am amazed at the many things I was missing out on. Reading blogs has been a great enlightenment. Finding time to read is refreshing. Watching movie after movie is good fun (by the way Thank you for smoking is hi-larious!-just got done watching it).

Continually recording the benefits of sobriety are helping me stay there.
I feel compelled to list my thanksgivings.

1. The ability to teach: I tested students today (Saturday) and didn't even feel like I was working. My job is such a blessing.

2. My daughter who is maturing so nicely (She was hell on wheels between the ages 3 and 13).

3. My son who is a mama's boy and is learning to push away, but still has hugs for his mom.

4. My hubby who continues to make me giggle even after 19 years.

5. Parents that keep in touch with my heart.

6. A roof over my head-many are losing their homes right now.

7. Friends like Flora: She is a such a gem.

8. Good health: I am still capable of doing the hard rides (bike) that give my heart flight.

9. Good food: We had a wonderful pre-Valentine's dinner with our daughter tonight. The presentation of each dish was like eye candy and the vegetables were so fresh!

10. Two canine companions that drive us nuts with their barking, but their antics keep us laughing.

11. Rain-we need it!

12. Sunshine on my shoulders (makes me happy and my hubby too). His new business has brought back the man that I married. Thanks be to God!

Drama

This must be the mantra of the teenager. The boy is up to more shenanigans. Did I really believe that I would get away with just one incident? E-gads! This one is a little more private (guess why). So I can't get into much detail. All I can say is that I am so glad that I am not sleepwalking through my day as a functioning alcoholic. Once more the blessings of sobriety allow me to be fully present in not only my life, but in my loved ones' as well. So I am truly savoring each moment, even through my tears. In fact, the sense of recovery helps me to see with a broader perspective. I know the pain will pass just as the joy did. We are empty clay vessels, with emotions and experiences filling the spaces. As the events fill my vessel, I start to see the myriad of emotions as a rainbow of colors. Oh, how poetic....Anyway, I am feeling much like a Drama Queen. Since I cannot "Save my Drama for my Mama," I spew it out here. :-]

Change me on the inside....

Change Your Thinking

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.

His bed was next to the room's only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their
involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.


Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other man could not hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.

He strained to slowly turn to look out the window besides the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'

Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own
situations.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money
can't buy.

'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.'

picture: http://gilad.deviantart.com/art/Change-6759895

Friends

Friends are so part of our psyche and when friendships have to be put to the side to recover, it's painful!!!! I am now in a kind of no man's land with friends that remain a part of my life, but are at arm's length since I am now a non-drinker. One of these friends is my next door neighbor. Our kids have grown up together and their pictures are all over the refrigerator. We even have the gate in the middle of the fence so we can pass between backyards with ease. This gate was put in for the kids, but served our late night booze fests well. Now I am sober, we no longer spend long Friday nights discussing politics, books, and child rearing. I didn't realize how important this was to my life until last night. We have visited on rare occasion since my sobriety, but it is so awkward now. More awkward for them than me. In fact, it was a birthday of my neighbor's boyfriend that was the final drink I took. What is difficult for them is they have their own inner battles brought on by alcohol. The boyfriend covertly drinks because his father was an alcoholic and his mother has told him that he is doomed to this disease. Whether he is or not an alcoholic is beside the point. He feels a sense betrayal since he has promised his mom he will not drink. As for my friend she has a sweet demeanor and in no way considers her alcohol use problematic. Yet when Bloody Mary Sundays after a long weekend of drinking come around, I know I made the right choice. I never could be a part of these because I always felt I would be cheating my kids. She has always known my view of this and now that I have quit drinking, she probably thinks I hold them in disdain. Oh contrare. I am envious that she is able to continue on with the late Friday nights, the frivolous Saturdays, and the carefree Sundays. But each person must take up their own battle.

So here I go....another Friday night crash. I came home with the biggest headache due to the drama from work. Being surrounded by menopausal women is the sure fire way to become an alcoholic. It is like working on the island of Survivor. Each woman is trying to prove that her teaching can be held up under the scrutiny of our parents (parents who are paying good money for education in a downturn economy.) When our students start to show signs of distress, fellow teachers are quick to point their finger downhill. Of course first grade is where it all stops since Kindergarten does not fit into the required schooling component. My partner, another friend, thinks I was trying to back stab her when in fact it was the second grade teacher. So we spent our Friday night tweezing out the intricacies of the week. Arghhhhh! This is exactly the type of thing I was trying to forget when I would down a bottle of wine Friday night. It would wipe the slate clean and allow me to enter the next week with no memory of the last. However, having the responsibility of staying sober allowed for some growth that has never happened before. I looked at the friendship with my partner teacher who is sometimes a sister and sometimes a mom, and realized she is full of the same insecurities that I am. She is in search of the same peace that we all crave. I need to be able to prop her emotionally as I do my daughter. While I think my partner's age should give her the advantage, it doesn't. Sometimes we have accept help from those younger. And so it was for me last night, as my daughter tucked me into bed at 8:30 on a Friday night. She assured me tomorrow would be a new day. And it is.

Now I realize I am in search of new friends in my life of sobriety. It does not mean that the old friendships will die. It does mean however, that they are on temporary hold until I can get strong enough. Those of you in the blogosphere are helping me greatly in this endeavor. I feel like a recently divorcee looking to meet up with a new beau. I need venues that will help me find these friendships. I guess I will have to start checking out some AA meetings after all. I just have never been able to find one that fit. I will have to continue the search.

Just as a sidebar, I dreamt last night that my husband wanted a divorce. I must be feeling a sort of departure in my life. With a departure comes an arrival. So I wait anxiously for the new. My husband did assure me that we are stuck with each other. Thank God for this.

Thanks for friends past and present; they are a part of who I am today.

Thanks for friends that fill in the gaps of sister and mother.

Thanks for friends that I do not know face to face.

Thanks for friends that I have yet to meet.

Thanks for friends that temper my weaknesses and emphasize my strengths.

Thanks for friends at my workplace (my other home).

Thanks for friends of convenience; may I make life easy for them as well.

Thanks for friends that are willing to listen....

Thanks for my husband; he is my best friend.

Picture http://deadlycase.deviantart.com/art/Friends-75581135