My heart is fucking broken!!!!! Why do I have to feel like a teenage girl. I can't get past my first broken heart. I just continue to entrap myself in these foolish desires...I thought I had found my paradise, my soul mate, my salvation. Yet I just end up with another broken heart. Why can't I see true love and accept it. Why must I pursue such elusive and empty attractions? Please God help me! Why did you make me this way. I just want to die. I have been searching for that intensity that came with my first love and it just is not going to happen. I am hurting. Please, please help me to see like you do. Help me to love like you do instead of like a little girl. Help me reach beyond this pain and be truly grateful for all that I have. Why do I have to be so selfish? Why is a kiss so important? Why do I have to feel this way? Can't you help me make it go away? Fuck!!!!! I have not wanted to die for a long time and now I just don't want to try anymore. I can't masquerade anymore. Yet, I can't just walk away. Tell me what to do. Help me to be more like Jesus. Help me to make a sacrifice for once in my life.
Okay, here goes my list of thanks:
1. God
2. Life
3. Family
4. Church
5. Teaching
6. My bike and ability to ride
7. Food
8. Warm house
9. Friends
10. Music
This creepy little killer is lurking in all of us, especially those who partake in fermented beverages-alcohol. Just one more reason to see those bottles as poison. Candida (or commonly known as yeast) is the number one cause of colon issues. Not only does this little parasite imbed in the colon, but left unchecked can eventually get to the blood. Yuck!! It gives me the chills. I have opened the Pandora's Box.
While cancer can be linked to everything, including your grandmother, yeast is so invasive it is surely the strongest link. The coating on this little parasite is made of Chitin, similar to that of an exoskeleton of an insect, such as the flea. Not only does this little parasite have a thick shell, but it also morphs to its environment. It can grow elongated roots to dig itself into the wall of the colon.
When trying to rid yourself of this bugger, it is so resilient that it becomes immune to the treatment. This means you must rotate through 4-5 different concoctions every 4-5 days. Diet is a huge part of getting rid of the yeast. This means no sugar or carbs. Try that for a month! Yet it can take years to get candida under control, depending on its severity. This is starting to sound like the termites that brought the house down. Why didn't anyone tell me?
Despite the off-putting nature of this information, I have now made it my personal mission to let the world know (especially those who formerly drank). Too often alcoholics will switch their addiction to sugar because the yeast craves what is missing. The alcohol fed this beast and now sugar must take the place. This was me. While I got in shape and lost 40 pounds, I started eating voracious amounts of sugar. It was acne that woke me up. Not that I have a bad case, but I certainly didn't have the clear skin I wanted. A friend at the gym told me about the rampart infection of candidiasis in our sugar fiendish country. It fell on my deaf ears until this month.
Now I am on a quest to take the fork in the road. It could be the difference between cancer and good health. Just a thought.
My new year begins and I am ever so grateful that I have ended a preoccupation with the bottle and infatuation. Vowel Town is a new project that is keeping me focused on moving forward. I have always wanted to master the science of teaching first graders how to decode our complicated system of letters and word making. Imagine learning a new language with 26 symbols of sound, but not always do the letters make the same sound. Sometimes a letter will combine with another letter to make a new sound. Also, a letter will change its sound because another letter is next to it. Consider the word cycle. Why does the c make the k sound and the s sound? It's all because of the y. There are so many rules to the English language and exceptions to the rule. Therefore, I have set out to see if I can possibly devise an App (Application) to help our little ones master the mystery of our language. Let's see if I can start a new beginning.
I ride on this mountain every chance I get and pass by a bar that I used to visit. As I pass by on my way to the mountain, I look at this place as a prison. The horrible stench still lingers in my mind. The darkness and emptiness is devastating. I always want to yell out to the early morning revelers to break out of this prison. If I could just get one to break out of the shackles... So today as I passed on my way home I rode by the door and shouted, "Break out of that prison." I realize that this self-righteous act will not have the epiphany effect that I am hoping to affect. Still, I am compelled to continue on my crusade. Is this wrong?
Milestones are markers along the journey that help us to see how far we have come and how far we have left to go. While the obvious milestone above is about 30 days away, another passed before my eyes today. My history book seems a little more complete tonight as I watched loved ones in my family send off the matriarch of the clan. She didn't rule with an iron fist, but rather with a silk tongue. Every little utterance came with such love, which is what brought me to God. It has not been the years sitting in the pews, but rather her unconditional acceptance that has taught me faith. She did not complain when syrup was not around, but took brown sugar out and added water and said there with a smile. Grandma you will linger in my heart like the sweet taste of that "syrup."
I missed an opportunity today to reach out to my cousin. We came out of the mortuary and all I could think about was the pain my dad was feeling. My cousin stood there across from the well known triangle with the circle in it and said "I could go to a meeting right now." Unable to meet his eyes, I stumbled for the car, unable to handle my own emotions. Opportunity lost! Should you read this Cuz, please know that my heart was trying to reach yours, but I'm still so green at all of this. I am carving out the stoicism (translated-hardened heart) day by day. Please forgive me for not being able to see through your eyes at that moment. I did just as I sat down in the car, but the moment was lost. Life is like that-so much gained or lost in one fleeting moment. It is you reaching out to me in this journey of sobriety that has me looking up to you. Thank you for being such a model of love and genuineness! And thank you for my two year chip-another marker on the road, still so far yet to go......
When you thought I wasn't paying attention,
You taught me my ABCs and I learned to be a teacher.
You took care of Grandma and I learned to take care of my family.
You stood by Dad and I learned marriage is forever.
You said, "To each his own" and I learned everyone must live their own lives.
You loved me no matter what and I learned what love is.
The trip to Stockton to eat at the Spaghetti Factory will be the best memory of Mother's Day! Little did I know that once I let go and look for the God in every situation, it appears.
My cup is overflowing with the blessings in my life. Thanks be to God!
During my Lenten journey I couldn't help but be the Doubting Thomas. I asked, "God if you could whip up any creation that your heart desired, then why did you make us with all these imperfections?" I especially wanted to know why we had to be given the susceptibility to addictions. I know that as a parent I would not let my two year old go into the street because the chance of being killed was too great. Doesn't God want to protect us from those situations that will kill us? Or does He want to give us the choice? "Go ahead and try it, but I am warning you that it might kill you." Do we say that to our children? Go ahead and walk in the street, but you might get hurt. No! We keep them from the street at all costs. My heart was particularly saddened when reading the newspaper about a man from our area abusing a 13 month old baby. Is this type of sin really necessary just for the sake of choice?
Then I come full circle and try to make sense of senselessness-with not much avail. What I did stumble on is this: My darkest days as a child were kept alight with the sound of cooing doves. Now the sound of doves cooing makes my heart leap out of my chest. Had the sound not been alongside the backdrop of bleak days, would I have ever heard the peaceful cooing? Probably not. Thanks to the absence of peace, the birds came to life in my awareness. The German philosopher, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, believed that in order to realize the thesis of something, we had to know the antithesis. In other words, it is in the absence of God that we realize the existence of God. Of all my studies in political science, this is the one thought that has stuck with me most. So I guess I can reconcile all the lack of God in the human spirit when I focus on the presence of God in mankind. I am finding this apparent in the book Three Cups of Tea. A mountain climber tackles the biggest mountain when he starts building schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan. Rather than being overwhelmed by the daunting tasks, he just puts one foot in front of the other. This gives me profound hope that we can conquer the evil that lurks in each of us and on the planet. So I may not be quite as convinced as the 11 disciples of Jesus, but I at least am coming to believe as Thomas did.
