Funny how Friday nights always lead to crash landings. I think it has to do with my expectations as an alcoholic-work like a slave all week and party like a fool on the weekend. So last night I came home and expected some sort of uncorking after a stressful week. Instead I ended up wallowing in self-pity. Why do I have to have this affliction? What is the point of all this? Selfish and myopic. I went to bed crying my eyes out and one more night beat the bottle. But did I really beat it? It was taking over my thoughts. So when I read other posts, I realize that this battle is not an easy one and cannot be done on my own. I also come to the understanding that even though my battle seems so menial compared to other grandiose accomplishments, it is my battle and I must fight on. It is with God's help that I am able to guard against not only taking another drink, but that I am also able to be thankful for all the blessings in my life. When I start feeling sorry for myself it is the time to take stock of all that I have and so here goes:
1. God
2. A loving husband
3. 2 wonderful kids
4. Family (Mom, Dad, Jay, and Tony)
5. A job that I love
6. Friends that understand that I don't drink
7. A roof over my head
8. Wheels (my bike)
9. Sunshine
10. This Computer
I have to admit that I am being forced to deal with emotions that I have buried for 25 years. That will happen once you stop drinking. Now the key is to ask for help. I feel like I should have it all figured out by now, but I don't.
A Pandora's box was opened when I visited a site by a woman that had committed suicide. I found her via another site that I frequent. At first I was astonished because her posts seemed so moving and in touch with life. Then I was mad at her for leaving kids without a mother. Now I am starting to empathize with her. I too had tried to leave this earth before my time when I was 16. Never did I really resolve these feelings. Last night they came back like a flood. However this time I have so much support. This time I know that life's gifts are such a blessing that I must continually take stock and never allow the self-pity to pilot me. For if I do, I will land like this poor duck and miss out on the wonderful life that has been so graciously given to me. Thanks be to God!
1 comment:
Must be somthing in the air these days. I too have been back to the time in my mind when I was trying to get off of this rock permanatly when I was 13. Been a real monster to live with lately and those thoughts have sounded not so bad again. I havn't posted in a while and that is probably why. Don't want to spread whatever this thing I have. I can't say that I want to die persay but those 12 steps are wearing me out. I just want the world to stop for a sec until I catch my breath. Miss you cuz!
Fish
P.S. It was nice to see i made your top 10 thanks
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