So here I am at my father's deathbed.....It has been the longest road I have ever traveled. It started Sept. 1st with the onset of pneumonia (what my uncle calls the old person's gift). Dad went into the hospital on Sept. 2nd and had to be intubated. He has been struggling with COPD for years now and a recent colonoscopy revealed cancer. So the final steps in the journey began. Within 36 hours the tube was removed and Dad was moved out of ICU in the next 48. On a new wing he needed round the clock supervision because he was getting out of bed without the proper assistance. One nurse escorted him to the bathroom with no oxygen and upon his return to bed he was again struggling for that last breath. I went home on Sunday Sept. 8 to be with my husband on a bike ride. Therefore, my absence began. I went back to work for two days and got the call that Dad was being brought home for hospice care. I quickly set up for a sub and headed for Modesto.
When I arrived, the bed was just getting to my parents' house. However, hospice did not bring a kamode. Dad would not arrive for yet another hour. Once he did the flurry began. That night was rough. I stayed up to make sure that when Dad had to go to the bathroom that he had help. He got up three times and each time presented new challenges. Dad could not make it to the bathroom on the second go so he suggested I get a pot out of the kitchen. He sat on that pot on a wheelchair for nearly 10 minutes. It must have been so painful. The kamode was delivered the next day. Days and nights of up and down on the kamode, with each trip requiring more and more assistance. Until finally, my father did not have an ounce of privacy left.
Medication became the primary focus. Two divergent opinions started to arise: pain versus lucidity. Mom was convinced that Dad was being over medicated. Jay firmly believed that pain meds should be on board at all times. Jay, speaking from a recent experience in the hospital with appendicitis. Mom wanting every last moment with Dad possible. I could see both sides and tried to mediate. However, you know how the story goes with three persons in a quandary. One always feels ganged up on since the other two agree. I was trying to present Mom's opinion, thus leaving Jay to believe that he was being sided against. Then the ax hit the tree: Mom's friend, Helen, came over and started giving Mom and I hope that Dad had a possibility of recovery and that we needed to ask questions about his care. She validated both Jay and Mom's feelings. So I thought we might have common road. It was an impasse! Jay was extremely upset that Helen came in and disrupted his little world. Once Helen left, Jay was in a rage.
It was at this point that I noticed Dad's heart rate had gone up to 150. He has been there ever since. The nurse was called and she rescued and normalized the situation. We asked about medication and she gave us answers. Mom now felt calm and started to accept that Dad's condition was only going to get worse. We started heavily medicated Dad to cope with the high heart rate. It was then that Jay expressed his concerns over visitors in the house. I felt he was out of bounds because Helen is a support for Mom. Both Jay and I had our loved ones come over to boost our moral and Mom deserved the same. I tried to express this to Jay and he lost it. Meanwhile Mom is in the background frantically searching for a plastic butter dish that had gone missing. She was convinced I had placed it somewhere and was insisting on finding it. God help us! WE all were hungry because none of us had eaten all day. I kept telling Jay let's eat first so we can talk calmly. It was too late.
Jay set about telling me I had all but abandoned my parents. I haven't spent enough time with them and that I have consistently insulted my mom with my broken filter. I have called her food salty, commented on her mother's bowls, and told her that when I was little that I would tell people I was adopted because of the clothes I had. I don't remember that last statement, but maybe I said it in one of my drunken stupors many years ago. Thank God I quit drinking! I don't even remember thinking such a thing. So I looked at my mom and she then let it out on me. Now the carving began. They both proceeded to split me open like a roast pig and let the innards spill out. I wanted to run. I wanted to scream, but Dad was in there dying....God worked through me and kept me calm. Finally, I got them to stop. I apologized for my diarrhea of the mouth. We were about to go in and eat and Jay still couldn't give up. He had to say that he hoped things would be different once Dad died. That I would be more present, but that he didn't think it would happen. I lost it and started in on him and Mom chased us outside. He began telling me that my visits were meaningless because everything I do bugs Mom anyway. I couldn't take it anymore. Here is a man who just left the wings of his mother five years ago. Of course I could never hold a candle to him. He has been attached at the hip to them all his life. He has no friends aside from his girlfriend. Mom and Dad are his only social connection. This goes for my parents as well. While they have their coffee group, they really have no other relationships outside of the one with my brother and me. It is true that I have been slipping away in the last two years as I have taken up cycling. I look to every weekend day as an opportunity to get out on the road. Therefore, I stopped coming out on a monthly basis and fell to every other month. For that I feel sad. I didn't even call when my dad had his colonoscopy (the onset of this very unfortunate turn of events). So Jay hit a nerve because yes he is right. I have started to become absent. I have been rationalizing it in my mind saying that they didn't even call me when they moved to Wyoming and let me stay in Colorado for my senior year of high school. That when I tried to commit suicide, no one stayed in the hospital with me then. That I don't feel that close to them.
I have a connection with my dad, but even that has been fading. I have been calling, but not often enough. I have been arranging get togethers with them, but not enough. I have fallen short of what I know I should have done. Now I am at another impasse. How will I possibly kindle a relationship with these two? They have an incestuous relationship that is not that healthy. They sit around commiserating about how the world has mistreated them. And they do this as they smoke, smoke, smoke those cigarettes. They left Dad for hours on end only to sit in front of the hospital and smoke and bitch. Mom has been filling my brother's ears with the injustices that I have committed. I have insulted her mother's bowls, called her Nurse Ratchet in jest, and told her that she needs to connect the dots. That she needs to see that this is her end story. She will grasp for her last breath just like Dad. But you know, the drug is so powerful. It makes you believe that it won't do that to you. So go ahead and smoke, smoke, smoke that last cigarette.
So God I have one question: Why the design flaw? Why do we have addictions?
My heart is fucking broken!!!!! Why do I have to feel like a teenage girl. I can't get past my first broken heart. I just continue to entrap myself in these foolish desires...I thought I had found my paradise, my soul mate, my salvation. Yet I just end up with another broken heart. Why can't I see true love and accept it. Why must I pursue such elusive and empty attractions? Please God help me! Why did you make me this way. I just want to die. I have been searching for that intensity that came with my first love and it just is not going to happen. I am hurting. Please, please help me to see like you do. Help me to love like you do instead of like a little girl. Help me reach beyond this pain and be truly grateful for all that I have. Why do I have to be so selfish? Why is a kiss so important? Why do I have to feel this way? Can't you help me make it go away? Fuck!!!!! I have not wanted to die for a long time and now I just don't want to try anymore. I can't masquerade anymore. Yet, I can't just walk away. Tell me what to do. Help me to be more like Jesus. Help me to make a sacrifice for once in my life.
Okay, here goes my list of thanks:
1. God
2. Life
3. Family
4. Church
5. Teaching
6. My bike and ability to ride
7. Food
8. Warm house
9. Friends
10. Music
This creepy little killer is lurking in all of us, especially those who partake in fermented beverages-alcohol. Just one more reason to see those bottles as poison. Candida (or commonly known as yeast) is the number one cause of colon issues. Not only does this little parasite imbed in the colon, but left unchecked can eventually get to the blood. Yuck!! It gives me the chills. I have opened the Pandora's Box.
While cancer can be linked to everything, including your grandmother, yeast is so invasive it is surely the strongest link. The coating on this little parasite is made of Chitin, similar to that of an exoskeleton of an insect, such as the flea. Not only does this little parasite have a thick shell, but it also morphs to its environment. It can grow elongated roots to dig itself into the wall of the colon.
When trying to rid yourself of this bugger, it is so resilient that it becomes immune to the treatment. This means you must rotate through 4-5 different concoctions every 4-5 days. Diet is a huge part of getting rid of the yeast. This means no sugar or carbs. Try that for a month! Yet it can take years to get candida under control, depending on its severity. This is starting to sound like the termites that brought the house down. Why didn't anyone tell me?
Despite the off-putting nature of this information, I have now made it my personal mission to let the world know (especially those who formerly drank). Too often alcoholics will switch their addiction to sugar because the yeast craves what is missing. The alcohol fed this beast and now sugar must take the place. This was me. While I got in shape and lost 40 pounds, I started eating voracious amounts of sugar. It was acne that woke me up. Not that I have a bad case, but I certainly didn't have the clear skin I wanted. A friend at the gym told me about the rampart infection of candidiasis in our sugar fiendish country. It fell on my deaf ears until this month.
Now I am on a quest to take the fork in the road. It could be the difference between cancer and good health. Just a thought.
My new year begins and I am ever so grateful that I have ended a preoccupation with the bottle and infatuation. Vowel Town is a new project that is keeping me focused on moving forward. I have always wanted to master the science of teaching first graders how to decode our complicated system of letters and word making. Imagine learning a new language with 26 symbols of sound, but not always do the letters make the same sound. Sometimes a letter will combine with another letter to make a new sound. Also, a letter will change its sound because another letter is next to it. Consider the word cycle. Why does the c make the k sound and the s sound? It's all because of the y. There are so many rules to the English language and exceptions to the rule. Therefore, I have set out to see if I can possibly devise an App (Application) to help our little ones master the mystery of our language. Let's see if I can start a new beginning.
I ride on this mountain every chance I get and pass by a bar that I used to visit. As I pass by on my way to the mountain, I look at this place as a prison. The horrible stench still lingers in my mind. The darkness and emptiness is devastating. I always want to yell out to the early morning revelers to break out of this prison. If I could just get one to break out of the shackles... So today as I passed on my way home I rode by the door and shouted, "Break out of that prison." I realize that this self-righteous act will not have the epiphany effect that I am hoping to affect. Still, I am compelled to continue on my crusade. Is this wrong?
Milestones are markers along the journey that help us to see how far we have come and how far we have left to go. While the obvious milestone above is about 30 days away, another passed before my eyes today. My history book seems a little more complete tonight as I watched loved ones in my family send off the matriarch of the clan. She didn't rule with an iron fist, but rather with a silk tongue. Every little utterance came with such love, which is what brought me to God. It has not been the years sitting in the pews, but rather her unconditional acceptance that has taught me faith. She did not complain when syrup was not around, but took brown sugar out and added water and said there with a smile. Grandma you will linger in my heart like the sweet taste of that "syrup."
I missed an opportunity today to reach out to my cousin. We came out of the mortuary and all I could think about was the pain my dad was feeling. My cousin stood there across from the well known triangle with the circle in it and said "I could go to a meeting right now." Unable to meet his eyes, I stumbled for the car, unable to handle my own emotions. Opportunity lost! Should you read this Cuz, please know that my heart was trying to reach yours, but I'm still so green at all of this. I am carving out the stoicism (translated-hardened heart) day by day. Please forgive me for not being able to see through your eyes at that moment. I did just as I sat down in the car, but the moment was lost. Life is like that-so much gained or lost in one fleeting moment. It is you reaching out to me in this journey of sobriety that has me looking up to you. Thank you for being such a model of love and genuineness! And thank you for my two year chip-another marker on the road, still so far yet to go......
When you thought I wasn't paying attention,
You taught me my ABCs and I learned to be a teacher.
You took care of Grandma and I learned to take care of my family.
You stood by Dad and I learned marriage is forever.
You said, "To each his own" and I learned everyone must live their own lives.
You loved me no matter what and I learned what love is.
The trip to Stockton to eat at the Spaghetti Factory will be the best memory of Mother's Day! Little did I know that once I let go and look for the God in every situation, it appears.
My cup is overflowing with the blessings in my life. Thanks be to God!
During my Lenten journey I couldn't help but be the Doubting Thomas. I asked, "God if you could whip up any creation that your heart desired, then why did you make us with all these imperfections?" I especially wanted to know why we had to be given the susceptibility to addictions. I know that as a parent I would not let my two year old go into the street because the chance of being killed was too great. Doesn't God want to protect us from those situations that will kill us? Or does He want to give us the choice? "Go ahead and try it, but I am warning you that it might kill you." Do we say that to our children? Go ahead and walk in the street, but you might get hurt. No! We keep them from the street at all costs. My heart was particularly saddened when reading the newspaper about a man from our area abusing a 13 month old baby. Is this type of sin really necessary just for the sake of choice?
Then I come full circle and try to make sense of senselessness-with not much avail. What I did stumble on is this: My darkest days as a child were kept alight with the sound of cooing doves. Now the sound of doves cooing makes my heart leap out of my chest. Had the sound not been alongside the backdrop of bleak days, would I have ever heard the peaceful cooing? Probably not. Thanks to the absence of peace, the birds came to life in my awareness. The German philosopher, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, believed that in order to realize the thesis of something, we had to know the antithesis. In other words, it is in the absence of God that we realize the existence of God. Of all my studies in political science, this is the one thought that has stuck with me most. So I guess I can reconcile all the lack of God in the human spirit when I focus on the presence of God in mankind. I am finding this apparent in the book Three Cups of Tea. A mountain climber tackles the biggest mountain when he starts building schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan. Rather than being overwhelmed by the daunting tasks, he just puts one foot in front of the other. This gives me profound hope that we can conquer the evil that lurks in each of us and on the planet. So I may not be quite as convinced as the 11 disciples of Jesus, but I at least am coming to believe as Thomas did.
In this final week of the Lenten journey I am eternally grateful for the blessings in my life. As I gain depth with each year, I am ever so amazed and remiss that I was in the dark for so long. I could get down on myself (counterproductive), instead I just take comfort knowing that another opportunity, God willing, will come again next year. I have read fellow travelers' experiences and start to feel sad that I did not reach their level of understanding. Then I remind myself that I too one day may experience what they have reached. It becomes a beacon for me. Sort of like when you just join a gym and can't help to admire the firm flesh as your own jiggles like jelly. If I focused on the jelly, I would not have continued to work out and make the progress that I have made. Getting rid of spiritual fat each year is quite a struggle, but well worth the effort. So as we have entered Holy Week, I ask God to grant me the understanding and forgiveness that will bring me closer to what Diamonds in the Sky with Lucy has so eloquently said in her post Wild Angels.
It has been here all along-the guiding light I have been looking for. Hubby's business is springing into action now that the rain has gone away. Yippee! It allows us to have a sense of progress, an opportunity to work together, and an example for the kids to follow. Even if this business stays small potatoes, at least it is a venture. That is all one can ask for. Step by step I am watching the transformation of not only my husband, but my children as they see that one can take an idea and make it a reality. This dream is just a glimmer at this point, but continues to gain momentum. As we head into the second year of this business venture, I can't help but think that it is more than business. It is a light for my family to focus on.
See this lighthouse....it is supposed to be a guiding light, a warning, a gatekeeper. Yet the light is not working. I am the lighthouse in this picture=broken and unable to guide this young lady as she goes through the rough waters of teenage angst. She is trying to manage so much and needs me to help her avoid the rocks that lie hidden in the deep murky waters. Yet my light is not helping. I am only guiding her ship into the waves that will throw her upon those rocks. God help me.
That is all I know right now. God help me. Why can't I get it right. I quit drinking, I lost weight to get healthy, I have prayed. God I pray. Yet I am no help. I need my own lighthouse, as I hit the rocks in my life. I know marriage is full of its ups and downs. I know I am blessed beyond belief. Help me to keep perspective and get this ship on course.
Angels poured out their love today. My cousin's daughter was awaiting a prognosis on a tumor found in her abdomen. Thank God the results were benign!
This family has endured so much that I cannot imagine that they would have to face any more calamity for the rest of their lives. I am in awe of their faith and fortitude. I only can hope that I can keep their strength in mind when I start quibbling about the mundane in my life. I should be so lucky that my life lacks drama.
It makes no sense how some people can give so much to life and yet life keeps offering profound challenges to them anyway. I am thankful that this trial will be a quick one for my cousin and his beautiful family.
May angels surround little Katie's bedside and offer her peace and happiness as she goes through the final procedures of removing her tumor.
The event that is about to take place once again takes a lot of preparation. We are scurrying around gathering food and gifts for those we love and those we are trying to love. It is a call to action. Bring the light back to the darkening Earth. No easy feat....
Imagine the journey to Bethlehem. Long and isolated, the two lovers carried the best gift our world would receive. They simply just put one foot in front of the other. Surely, they looked up from their feet to see the bright light that led their way.
Is that not what we are supposed to do? Put one foot in front of the last and keep an eye out for the wonder along the way. I see it in the stores when a mom drops down to her knees to see the world from her son's perspective. It is apparent when the boxes full of toiletries and trinkets are shipped out to people half way around the world. My heart explodes everyday as I watch for the light in the darkness. I imagine it to be much like catching lightening bugs in a jar.
So as the serotonin levels drop as the sun hides its face, I remind myself depression is a natural part of the human experience. Depression gives us the opportunity to stop and reflect and take stock of all that is around us. The key is not to keep your head down on the ground, but lift up and see the light that is about to shine.
Thanks be to God!
I just read this amazing poem written by another blogger that has so inspired and moved me. He has captured a feeling that expresses exactly where I am at right now.
To put it in my own words would be a hatchet job so I will just have to say that crux of it for me is this: whilst we feel in control, we must always remember the mighty spirit, which is invisible to the eye, but ever so present, moves through our hearts and minds much the same way that the wind moves through this field.
My prayers are being answered each day. As I ask for the help in escaping a new prison, the keys are given freely. It seems I escape one prison, only to find myself locked in yet another. I guess this is what keeps me close to God. I know I can never do it alone. I must always reach out for the power of our Creator.
As I work through what seems like trivial troubles compared to those of others, I understand that I am not in control. The answer is blowing in the wind. My heart will continue to seek the Spirit, refusing to harden, reforming with each new release from self-imposed prisons, by the grace of God.
I have been praying about this to my mother-in-law. She passed away three Christmases ago and surely must be looking down at me with disgust. How I could abandon her son who is so loyal, such a good father, a loving husband, and devoted friend. It must make her roll over in her grave. Therefore, she is going to be my life preserver. Maureen will watch over me like a guardian angel and get me to pull my head out of the clouds (euphemism for out of my @$$) and see all the blessings in my life.
I must be thinking of her more often than not these days. For every time the power of those green eyes starts to overcome me, I will think of her. Hopefully, I can get past the lusting and back to the real loving. Loving a man that has seen me through thick and thin, drunk and sober, sanity and insanity. Yes, I must be insane not to value such a relationship and do everything in my power to save it. With the help of God all things are possible.
With a little luck, we can work this whole damn thing out....remember that Wings song? I heard it about a month ago while shopping at Big Lots. First you have to know Big Lots is an experience unto itself. It's basically a salvage store that hires ex-convicts. I have found some of the best deals in this Target meets the Salvation Army and yes they usually have a hip sound track playing. However, they were playing this blast from my past and I had to just stop and sing along. I was thrown back to my teenage years and all that love and angst that was oozing out of my pores came flooding back. I am reliving my teenage years right now. Given I didn't seem to leave those years fully mature, it is no surprise.
I have yet to make it past all those school girl yearnings that make you feel alive and crazy all at the same time. This explains my school girl crush. My skin feels like it is crawling and my heart is beating out of my chest. Sound familiar. It's exhilarating and frustrating all at once.
Add to this a lusty fragrance and I am nearly at my wit's end. So I give this some time. Let it wear off. With a little luck, I can work this whole damn thing out.
That's right...love kills. It kills my desire to do the job I love. It kills my marriage. It kills my relationship with my kids. Love makes me lose my entire sense of being. That's when lust is dressed up as love.
Love does not really kill. Love builds up and sustains. Love brings me close to the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. Love keeps me focused on the blessings in my life.
I finally got my head out of my @$$ and woke up to the reality: it is not getting what you want, but wanting what you get. I have a wonderful family and was willing to risk it all. For what? For some sort of conquest. Now I know that hormones will cloud my head and make me think my heart is talking. It's not my heart that is speaking, but rather a desire to be desired.
I have to admit, it is probably not going to be black and white. One day infatuated, the next disgusted. However, now I think I can manage to keep my mind on the job, rather than thinking up ways to run into the person enticing me.
This process has been gradual, which probably means that my reaction is rational rather than psychotic. Let's hope anyway.
Through this challenge I have been able to grow in my faith. I asked to have this resolved and my prayers have been answered. I have to say that the friend that I am so enamored with has been nothing but respectful. For this I am grateful. I was able to tell him I had a crush and he did not make me feel bad nor silly. I have a lot of respect for this person. In the end, I have gained self-respect through this walk.
Thanks be to God!
I am convinced we are all waiting for our king to start the rumpus in our lives-to give us that feeling of being alive. The wild rush that comes from teenage love is impossible to replicate. Yet we are all searching to capture that wild moment once again. See the character in the far right corner? That is me. Falling back into the total ecstasy of the rumpus. This is what is driving me right now. I feel like the guy in a mid-life crisis that needs to buy the Lamborghini to satisfy those urges once again. Wine used to placate those urges and give me the feeling of that rise every time a popped the cork. Now that it is nearly 18 months since I've touched a cork, I am looking to seize the feeling in other ways. I am falling for the slightest little attention that comes my way. I feel ravenous for love. Yet I know in my mind that this deep desire that I have must come from another source than what I am seeking. I am in touch with God everyday looking for a way to satisfy that hunger. So here is what I hear:
1. Bike rides give you that rush.
2. Awesome lessons where the kids really get it....Yeah!
3. Killer workouts and then walking out into the morning feel like heaven.
So take heart and let the Rumpus begin. Find those moments each day and forget the teenage love trap. We all love that exhilarating surge that comes from the limbic part of our brain. Harness that emotion and send it into all the right directions.
