With a little luck, we can work this whole damn thing out....remember that Wings song? I heard it about a month ago while shopping at Big Lots. First you have to know Big Lots is an experience unto itself. It's basically a salvage store that hires ex-convicts. I have found some of the best deals in this Target meets the Salvation Army and yes they usually have a hip sound track playing. However, they were playing this blast from my past and I had to just stop and sing along. I was thrown back to my teenage years and all that love and angst that was oozing out of my pores came flooding back. I am reliving my teenage years right now. Given I didn't seem to leave those years fully mature, it is no surprise.
I have yet to make it past all those school girl yearnings that make you feel alive and crazy all at the same time. This explains my school girl crush. My skin feels like it is crawling and my heart is beating out of my chest. Sound familiar. It's exhilarating and frustrating all at once.
Add to this a lusty fragrance and I am nearly at my wit's end. So I give this some time. Let it wear off. With a little luck, I can work this whole damn thing out.
That's right...love kills. It kills my desire to do the job I love. It kills my marriage. It kills my relationship with my kids. Love makes me lose my entire sense of being. That's when lust is dressed up as love.
Love does not really kill. Love builds up and sustains. Love brings me close to the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. Love keeps me focused on the blessings in my life.
I finally got my head out of my @$$ and woke up to the reality: it is not getting what you want, but wanting what you get. I have a wonderful family and was willing to risk it all. For what? For some sort of conquest. Now I know that hormones will cloud my head and make me think my heart is talking. It's not my heart that is speaking, but rather a desire to be desired.
I have to admit, it is probably not going to be black and white. One day infatuated, the next disgusted. However, now I think I can manage to keep my mind on the job, rather than thinking up ways to run into the person enticing me.
This process has been gradual, which probably means that my reaction is rational rather than psychotic. Let's hope anyway.
Through this challenge I have been able to grow in my faith. I asked to have this resolved and my prayers have been answered. I have to say that the friend that I am so enamored with has been nothing but respectful. For this I am grateful. I was able to tell him I had a crush and he did not make me feel bad nor silly. I have a lot of respect for this person. In the end, I have gained self-respect through this walk.
Thanks be to God!
I am convinced we are all waiting for our king to start the rumpus in our lives-to give us that feeling of being alive. The wild rush that comes from teenage love is impossible to replicate. Yet we are all searching to capture that wild moment once again. See the character in the far right corner? That is me. Falling back into the total ecstasy of the rumpus. This is what is driving me right now. I feel like the guy in a mid-life crisis that needs to buy the Lamborghini to satisfy those urges once again. Wine used to placate those urges and give me the feeling of that rise every time a popped the cork. Now that it is nearly 18 months since I've touched a cork, I am looking to seize the feeling in other ways. I am falling for the slightest little attention that comes my way. I feel ravenous for love. Yet I know in my mind that this deep desire that I have must come from another source than what I am seeking. I am in touch with God everyday looking for a way to satisfy that hunger. So here is what I hear:
1. Bike rides give you that rush.
2. Awesome lessons where the kids really get it....Yeah!
3. Killer workouts and then walking out into the morning feel like heaven.
So take heart and let the Rumpus begin. Find those moments each day and forget the teenage love trap. We all love that exhilarating surge that comes from the limbic part of our brain. Harness that emotion and send it into all the right directions.
Have you ever had poison oak? You know that burning itch that won't go away. All you want to do is scratch it until the poison juices are out of your skin. I once had to get a hydrocortisone shot and another time I had to take prednisone because the inflammation had gotten so bad. The prednisone was the worst because the withdrawl made me nuts.
This is exactly what is happening to me emotionally right now. My friend has gotten so under my skin that all I can do is think of itching it. I am telling myself this is not my fault. Yet I know that I am not the first to be smitten with another while committed to a marriage. So what is the antidote? I have no idea. I wait everyday to see him just for a moment, to share a quick conversation. I feel like a nube from The Office. I just keep praying that God will present the solution. However, even my dreams are affected. I dreamt that we were playing footsies under the table with our soles touching. Okay, this is cheesy, but I woke up thinking "soul mates." See, I am just like those dorks on The Office. So now I am so distracted I cannot even concentrate on my work. My work is my lifeline. It is what makes me feel alive. Yet, this person has been able to interrupt that lifeline and make me want to put all aside just to have a stupid cup of coffee.
Lord help me because I am powerless over this. Help me to see the truth in my heart and follow in your ways. Guide me to the path that is the best for all concerned. Horrible feelings from my teenage life are flooding in like a tidal wave.
I so wanted to be loved and once I thought I had found that love, it was ripped out from underneath me. I know that people around the world suffer fantastic trials. That my piddly little story is nothing. Help me to put this into perspective and concentrate on the true love that supercedes all these itchings. At least offer up some salve to calm the burn.
So I am learning to continue to love the one I am with. He has been by my side through thick and thin. And I mean that literally. As I have gained weight, he has continued to make me feel like the apple of his eye. As I have lost weight, he has complemented me and humored me as I pounce on him like a dog in heat. So as I pray for the resistance to the fruit of another, I am strengthened in my faith. I can not do this alone. I have to ask for help. Yes, I am still like a school girl, giddy with desire. But now I have the ability to fully metastasize the hurt that would come from irresponsible behavior. It comes back to an ability to self-control and discipline. This was my challenge with alcohol and continues to erupt in other areas in my life. It would be helpful if someone shared their experience as a learning tool. No one ever writes a book on how they deal with these feelings in a healthy manner. Martin Luther King, Jr. couldn't even make the right choices and he was a minister. Is the feeling of acceleration that comes from a new found crush so powerful that it robs rationality from the most chaste? God gave us a powerful draw to the opposite sex to ensure the survival of the species. With this gift came a curse. How do we temper those urges and channel them into healthy endeavors?
I have been bitten! The love bug stung me right in the heart. I don't know what to do.....I fell for a co-worker and I thought this would never happen. I work in a safe environment: mostly women. How did I get stuck on this one?
I have been so busy going to the gym and cleaning up my house that I haven't written in my journal. Now I am feeling the urgent need to do so. I think that if I can compose my thoughts here, then I will be able to face my feelings out there. Maybe it is like a riptide, just swim parallel and wait until it is safe to swim ashore. All I know is that I am sick! Love sick. Forty-four years old and unable to control my thoughts or emotions. The good news is that no longer am I drowning out feelings and emotions. I am being forced to mature and learn to grapple with the natural inclinations of a woman hitting a mid-life crisis. Lord, help me. Now I understand Bill Clinton's philandering. How do you put a lid on those butterflies swarming in your stomach? I feel like a school girl anticipating every little encounter with this individual. I am so bad, that I invited him and his wife to dinner. It was bittersweet. I would catch myself lost in his eyes and have to snap out of it. Good grief, Charlie Brown! I can just hear Lucy in the back of my head trying to get to come to my senses. She is telling me that this too will pass. What if it doesn't? What if it gets worse. I don't even know why I like him. He is completely not what I would be looking for. He is about ten years older than me. He is seemingly unmotivated. He is, he is.....just not what I would picture. Yet my thoughts keep veering off the road. So here I am, trying to get my work done and instead spilling my guts, thinking that I can get it out of my system. Or does this just feed the fire?
By the way, I thought I was happily married. Does anybody relate to this?
With a little luck, we can work this whole damn thing out....remember that Wings song? I heard it about a month ago while shopping at Big Lots. First you have to know Big Lots is an experience unto itself. It's basically a salvage store that hires ex-convicts. I have found some of the best deals in this Target meets the Salvation Army and yes they usually have a hip sound track playing. However, they were playing this blast from my past and I had to just stop and sing along. I was thrown back to my teenage years and all that love and angst that was oozing out of my pores came flooding back. I am reliving my teenage years right now. Given I didn't seem to leave those years fully mature, it is no surprise.
