Love kills

That's right...love kills. It kills my desire to do the job I love. It kills my marriage. It kills my relationship with my kids. Love makes me lose my entire sense of being. That's when lust is dressed up as love.

Love does not really kill. Love builds up and sustains. Love brings me close to the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. Love keeps me focused on the blessings in my life.

I finally got my head out of my @$$ and woke up to the reality: it is not getting what you want, but wanting what you get. I have a wonderful family and was willing to risk it all. For what? For some sort of conquest. Now I know that hormones will cloud my head and make me think my heart is talking. It's not my heart that is speaking, but rather a desire to be desired.

I have to admit, it is probably not going to be black and white. One day infatuated, the next disgusted. However, now I think I can manage to keep my mind on the job, rather than thinking up ways to run into the person enticing me.

This process has been gradual, which probably means that my reaction is rational rather than psychotic. Let's hope anyway.

Through this challenge I have been able to grow in my faith. I asked to have this resolved and my prayers have been answered. I have to say that the friend that I am so enamored with has been nothing but respectful. For this I am grateful. I was able to tell him I had a crush and he did not make me feel bad nor silly. I have a lot of respect for this person. In the end, I have gained self-respect through this walk.

Thanks be to God!

Let the Wild Rumpus Start

I am convinced we are all waiting for our king to start the rumpus in our lives-to give us that feeling of being alive. The wild rush that comes from teenage love is impossible to replicate. Yet we are all searching to capture that wild moment once again. See the character in the far right corner? That is me. Falling back into the total ecstasy of the rumpus. This is what is driving me right now. I feel like the guy in a mid-life crisis that needs to buy the Lamborghini to satisfy those urges once again. Wine used to placate those urges and give me the feeling of that rise every time a popped the cork. Now that it is nearly 18 months since I've touched a cork, I am looking to seize the feeling in other ways. I am falling for the slightest little attention that comes my way. I feel ravenous for love. Yet I know in my mind that this deep desire that I have must come from another source than what I am seeking. I am in touch with God everyday looking for a way to satisfy that hunger. So here is what I hear:

1. Bike rides give you that rush.
2. Awesome lessons where the kids really get it....Yeah!
3. Killer workouts and then walking out into the morning feel like heaven.

So take heart and let the Rumpus begin. Find those moments each day and forget the teenage love trap. We all love that exhilarating surge that comes from the limbic part of our brain. Harness that emotion and send it into all the right directions.

Poison Oak

Have you ever had poison oak? You know that burning itch that won't go away. All you want to do is scratch it until the poison juices are out of your skin. I once had to get a hydrocortisone shot and another time I had to take prednisone because the inflammation had gotten so bad. The prednisone was the worst because the withdrawl made me nuts.

This is exactly what is happening to me emotionally right now. My friend has gotten so under my skin that all I can do is think of itching it. I am telling myself this is not my fault. Yet I know that I am not the first to be smitten with another while committed to a marriage. So what is the antidote? I have no idea. I wait everyday to see him just for a moment, to share a quick conversation. I feel like a nube from The Office. I just keep praying that God will present the solution. However, even my dreams are affected. I dreamt that we were playing footsies under the table with our soles touching. Okay, this is cheesy, but I woke up thinking "soul mates." See, I am just like those dorks on The Office. So now I am so distracted I cannot even concentrate on my work. My work is my lifeline. It is what makes me feel alive. Yet, this person has been able to interrupt that lifeline and make me want to put all aside just to have a stupid cup of coffee.

Lord help me because I am powerless over this. Help me to see the truth in my heart and follow in your ways. Guide me to the path that is the best for all concerned. Horrible feelings from my teenage life are flooding in like a tidal wave.
I so wanted to be loved and once I thought I had found that love, it was ripped out from underneath me. I know that people around the world suffer fantastic trials. That my piddly little story is nothing. Help me to put this into perspective and concentrate on the true love that supercedes all these itchings. At least offer up some salve to calm the burn.

Love the one you're with....

So I am learning to continue to love the one I am with. He has been by my side through thick and thin. And I mean that literally. As I have gained weight, he has continued to make me feel like the apple of his eye. As I have lost weight, he has complemented me and humored me as I pounce on him like a dog in heat. So as I pray for the resistance to the fruit of another, I am strengthened in my faith. I can not do this alone. I have to ask for help. Yes, I am still like a school girl, giddy with desire. But now I have the ability to fully metastasize the hurt that would come from irresponsible behavior. It comes back to an ability to self-control and discipline. This was my challenge with alcohol and continues to erupt in other areas in my life. It would be helpful if someone shared their experience as a learning tool. No one ever writes a book on how they deal with these feelings in a healthy manner. Martin Luther King, Jr. couldn't even make the right choices and he was a minister. Is the feeling of acceleration that comes from a new found crush so powerful that it robs rationality from the most chaste? God gave us a powerful draw to the opposite sex to ensure the survival of the species. With this gift came a curse. How do we temper those urges and channel them into healthy endeavors?

The Love Bug Bites

I have been bitten! The love bug stung me right in the heart. I don't know what to do.....I fell for a co-worker and I thought this would never happen. I work in a safe environment: mostly women. How did I get stuck on this one?

I have been so busy going to the gym and cleaning up my house that I haven't written in my journal. Now I am feeling the urgent need to do so. I think that if I can compose my thoughts here, then I will be able to face my feelings out there. Maybe it is like a riptide, just swim parallel and wait until it is safe to swim ashore. All I know is that I am sick! Love sick. Forty-four years old and unable to control my thoughts or emotions. The good news is that no longer am I drowning out feelings and emotions. I am being forced to mature and learn to grapple with the natural inclinations of a woman hitting a mid-life crisis. Lord, help me. Now I understand Bill Clinton's philandering. How do you put a lid on those butterflies swarming in your stomach? I feel like a school girl anticipating every little encounter with this individual. I am so bad, that I invited him and his wife to dinner. It was bittersweet. I would catch myself lost in his eyes and have to snap out of it. Good grief, Charlie Brown! I can just hear Lucy in the back of my head trying to get to come to my senses. She is telling me that this too will pass. What if it doesn't? What if it gets worse. I don't even know why I like him. He is completely not what I would be looking for. He is about ten years older than me. He is seemingly unmotivated. He is, he is.....just not what I would picture. Yet my thoughts keep veering off the road. So here I am, trying to get my work done and instead spilling my guts, thinking that I can get it out of my system. Or does this just feed the fire?

By the way, I thought I was happily married. Does anybody relate to this?

You're trapped now

See how Iran is caught in the middle of our two wars: Iraq and Afghanistan? This is no accident. The Taliban has long been in pursuit of a gas line running through Turkmenistan. See the last entry on this timeline: http://www.worldpress.org/specials/pp/pipeline_timeline.htm. I believe that oil companies, largely staked in the US, have been pursuing this pipeline as well. Hence, the Iranian war has been in the works for more than ten years. Staging ourselves in Iraq and Afghanistan are just the precursor to invading the territory that suits the pipeline best. Currently, there is but one pipeline feeding the behemoth state of China. It runs through the very mountainous region of Azerbaijan. Whoever can run the second pipeline through the much friendlier terrain of Turkmenistan will no doubt have full coffers. So it is no wonder that the American public is being worked into a fervor over the unrest in Iran. (Okay the froth has since died down due to the "King of Pop's" death.) But you can see how another invasion could easily be sold in the light of human interest. Iran still hangs their people in the middle of intersections, above the street lights. They are second only to China in executions. Yet, if we go into Iran, why do we not go into China? Because China owns us. We are trapped now. We are like Iran. Stuck. We are stuck between our human interest and our financial interest and Iran is going to be caught in the fallout.

I call on the American public to get more informed before heading into another war. It may not even be our choice, however. China may put it to us that we must seek the pipeline in order to pay off our horrendous debt. We are trapped now!

Just as a sidebar, the Iranian people may be able to pull a lot of this off on their own. They staged a technological coup Tuesday night when they coordinated a blackout of Ahmadinejad's address by turning on all electrical appliances to overload the system. Brilliant!

Let the next year begin...

So here it is: one year of finding alternative ways to foster joy in my life. I thought the joy that came from a bottle could never be out done, but I was wrong. I have experienced a brand new sense of joy. Now I look for joy in every situation, down to the flat tire on my daughter's new bike. At times my joy is far beyond my dreams and other times I am wondering "what is the point?"


The first year in sobriety is like the first year in parenthood. You have a party to celebrate that you made it through that initial year. It's not really a party for the child as it is a party for the parents. Sure you invite kids to the party. But really, who is celebrating? The parents. This is true for my first year of sobriety. My family is so excited for me. Yet, I know I have just begun. I certainly don't want them to make a big deal of it. To me it is like congratulating a teenager for not doing drugs. Big deal. We want to honor true accomplishments such as volunteer efforts, good grades, wise choices. This is what I want to be honored for-my potential reached. I feel like I have just begun to make use of my abilities.

So as I just begin this first phase of my new life, I am going to list my blessings and goals.

Blessings:

1. A husband that supports my endeavors
2. Two beautiful children despite their teenage attitudes
3. A job that feels like play
4. A home to rest and find peace
5. Workouts
6. Bike rides
7. My pooches
8. Espresso con pana
9. Freedom
10. God's grace

Goals:

1. Friday activities that rejuvenate
2. Weekly bike rides
3. More volunteer work
4. More family time
5. More time for reading
6. Meditate
7. Laugh more
8. Listen more
9. Make time for friends
10. Find means to diminish depression

While I have not attended more than three AA meetings in the first year of my sobriety, I do not rule it out as a resource. I have been fortunate enough to find resources on the web, but there is nothing like meeting face to face with others trying to fight the same battle. The battle that is present for me now is depression. I know that much of it has to do with the lack of dopamine. That was the draw of alcohol in the first place. It placated my starving nerve receptors. Unfortunately, the body is so adaptable that the more one drinks, the more receptors the brain creates to handle the alcohol. So now I am stuck with even more receptors and still lacking levels of dopamine. Working toward alternative means to create the sensation of dopamine is quite a struggle. Monday nights I work out for two hours to create a feeling of euphoria. Friday nights I just resign to my bed. Now that it is summer, I am not exhausted enough to fall into bed when my brain feels the need to leisure. This is the problem. I do not know how to enjoy leisure time. The only time that I really can relax is when I am at the beach. With nowhere to go and nothing to clean, I finally fall into the reading/nap mode. I wish to find that kind of feeling in my own home. I could do it with a glass of wine (I mean a bottle). Now I have to find the alternative ways to achieve that euphoria. Hence the abundance of exercise on my list of goals. I think it is the best way to get to that relaxed sense of well being.

Also, I always felt so grateful when drinking. Now I have trouble getting that sense. I know what I should be grateful for, but lack the actual feeling. It's kind of like being book smart and having no gut sense. I suppose with time the sense of well being will come more often. There are times that I feel rapture and enlightenment. I just want them to come more often. As I delve deeper into meditation, I hope to reach these states of gratitude and enlightenment with more regularity. So here is to the next year of living life out of the shackles of addiction and stretching toward my full potential.